**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** u/SneezedOnAndFedUp. She posted in r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC Thanks to u/benificialbenefactor for the...
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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2024-06-23 06:28:06+00:00.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/SneezedOnAndFedUp. She posted in r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC

Thanks to u/benificialbenefactor for the rec!

Trigger Warning: abuse

Mood Spoiler: frustrating and confusing

Do NOT comment on Original Posts or DM the Original Poster. See rule 7. OOP gave me permission to post this. Remember to be civil in the comments.

Original Post: June 10, 2024

My husband (41M) and I (32F) have been married for 10 years and have a routine where we eat dinner while watching TV. We sit next to each other in our big, comfy chairs, using little TV trays. However, he prefers to hold his food instead of using his tray (this is important later). He works from home most days, while I work from home fully. We talk throughout the day during breaks, so we don’t really have traditional dinner conversations (e.g., “how was your day”).

My husband suffers from seasonal allergies, and some months are rougher than others. He has allergy meds and we always keep tissues nearby, but he often says he “doesn’t have time” to reach for them when we’re eating (because he’s holding his plate and refuses to use the TV tray). Over the past year, he’s started doing something that I find extremely disrespectful and disgusting. When he feels a sneeze coming on, he moves his plate to the right and turns his head left—toward me and my plate. He doesn’t warn me, and if I’m not paying attention (scrolling netflix for something for us to watch, or already chowing down), I don’t notice until it’s too late.

He sneezes violently and repeatedly, without covering his mouth, all over me and my food.

[OOP] Editing: Seems as people think this is a nightly thing, it’s not and never has been. It’s just too frequent, and annoying, for me. It’s not only when we’re eating, either. It’s not only when I’m around, or never around other people, either. I’m not sure why these assumptions were made. I hope this clears things up.

When I tell him how gross it is, he says it’s “not that bad.” I’ve had to throw my food away multiple times because I refuse to eat it after it’s been sneezed on. I’m sorry, it’s gross, I don’t think asking me to eat whatever was expelled from his nose and mouth is reasonable. I’ve also had to clean myself off several times because I don’t want spittle and whatever else all over me.

When I threw the food away, he said I was overreacting and being “unreasonable.” I told him he should either use the TV tray, or sneeze in the direction of his own damned plate if it’s “no big deal” (as he says). He has refused to trade plates with me several times when this happens, and he groans and acts like I’m causing an issue when I say we should trade. Once when we were having takeout and didn’t have any leftovers, he even added so much chili to his food that it was too hot for me to eat, and sat there, smugly, saying how now I couldn’t ask him to trade. It felt childish AF. This has just added to the feeling of disrespect coming from him. I’m tired of throwing away food, but I also don’t want to eat it after what he does to it. It’s gross.

WIBTA if I just moved my chair away from him while I’m eating? He says he can’t control this, so I don’t see another solution if he’s unwilling to not sneeze in my general direction. I know he’ll huff and puff and roll his eyes and say that I’m being “unreasonable,” but I doubt he’ll make more of a fuss than that. But would this make me TA? I just want to eat my food without his nasal contributions, is that really too much to ask?

Editing to add:

A sincere thank you to the folks who actually gave good advice, listened, and cared: Thank you, from the bottom of my anxiety-riddled heart. I mean it; it means something to me to know that someone, somewhere, genuinely cares about a random stranger on the internet. You’re not as rare as I thought, which is nice to know in the grand scheme of things.

I’m beyond overwhelmed with the replies. I’m not an extrovert, I’m trying to keep up with the replies but (as said), I’m also trying to get some work done. I never expected this many reactions. It’s a lot to sort through and I’m sorry to those who left genuine comments, that I missed. I will try to go through and answer everyone, but if I miss you, sorry about that.

I’ve gone from thinking this was just a “move the chair / don’t move the chair, it’s not worth the drama” post to questioning whether or not I’m in an abusive marriage. And what that means for me, for him, for us, going forward. I honestly wasn’t thinking of this as abusive. I feel more than a little stupid for not recognizing it, especially because, if I read this story from someone else, I’d be outraged.

I’m ashamed and genuinely embarrassed. I can tell you one thing for sure: I will not be getting sneezed on today, and we will be having a conversation about it, soon.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: NTA. Why are you eating in the same room? This just grossed me out so bad. Manchild needs to grow up. I hope he has other redeeming qualities

OOP: As I mentioned (to another commenter), he tends to dig his heels in when he feels justified or believes something is acceptable (like sneezing on my food and me, apparently, sigh). In general, I enjoy spending time with him, even when we’re eating (with the exception of sneezing fits during the last year)—otherwise, we wouldn’t be married.

He’s usually patient, caring, polite, and affectionate, which is why this behavior feels so out of character and jarring for me. I’m really quite pissed at the moment, as this happened again last night and I’ve had it. Really frustrated.

Commenter: You’re fully aware that huffing and puffing is gaslighting, right? He’d not offended you don’t want to be sneezed on and “think” he’s not helping you by trying to not sneeze on you. He’d be mad you’re actually taking steps to keep him from fucking with you.

Let’s get real… He’s being an absolutely disgusting human being on purpose. Otherwise he’d swap meals and turn the other way. And you’re just taking it. He’d be upset because the fun would be gone and you’d be comfortable again. Let that sink in.

OOP: I cannot reconcile the idea that he’s doing this on purpose simply to “mess with me” with the same guy I’ve spent the last 10 years with. It’s just not like him. I think I’ll see how he reacts to me moving my chair while we eat. He may huff and puff, but he’ll accept it. I’ll move my seat back when his hands aren’t occupied, and he can again reach for his tissues. It’s not a big deal for me to move a chair in the grand scheme of things. I’m not going to assign him motives—that wouldn’t be fair to him.

Commenter: (part of a longer comment) I’m getting the impression this probably isn’t the first thing he has tried to convince you you’re overreacting to, is that the case?

OOP: It’s not the first time he’s told me I’m overreacting, no. It’s far from it. Unfortunately, I’ve responded to a lot of these comments and found myself defending the dumbest things. Things that, if friends told me their significant others were doing to them, I’d be so angry at their partners. It’s a sad place to find yourself.

I’m going to move my chair, we’re going to have a talk, and hopefully, he’ll agree to couples counseling. I don’t feel like this is normal.

Honestly, after some of the replies on here, I’m not sure I want to share more. I’m sorry, the more I share the more upset I get, and the more people claim it’s ragebait, which actually really hurts my feelings. So. Sort of a no-win situation for me.

What are you even doing here when you’re so obviously NTA? Smack him and be done with it

What I’m doing here is looking for support on moving my chair, because I’ve spent the last year going back and forth between “You’re overreacting” and “This is intolerable!” I wanted an outside perspective on moving the chair without having to share this disgusting, humiliating situation with anyone I know socially, as it’s embarrassing. As for why I’m not slapping his head off, I don’t hit people—I’d make a terrible Jerry Springer guest.

Commenter (part of a longer comment): NTA You can’t control other people’s actions, you can only control your own. So what if he huffs and puffs at least he won’t be getting snot on you. He’s going to huff and puff regardless because you’re going to get mad when he sneezes on you. At least this way, you get your way and if he gets mad he’d be the unreasonable one. And don’t even verbalize that

OOP: I think you’re right about the huffing and puffing, because he also complains when I throw food away. I won’t be saying “I’m more dry here”; it made me laugh, but it feels unnecessarily antagonistic and might just make him more upset, which isn’t my goal. My goal is simply mucus-free food.

I don’t generally go withou…

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1dmfv58/wibta_if_i_just_moved_my_chair_away_from_my/

  • @[email protected]MEnglish
    1•3 months ago

    Update (Same Post): June 12, 2024 (2 days later)

    Update/Answered Questions:

    Our Age Gap: There has been some speculation about my husband being a predator. We met online in a space where people weren’t sharing their ages. My avatar was a sketch I’d done, and his was a character from his favorite book series. He didn’t go trolling for “barely out of college girls”; we met through a shared hobby, which we still share and enjoy together. We eventually started flirting and then shared our contact information outside of the site. So, whatever story you’ve told yourself about him being some sort of creep, it’s not true. That’s not to say there isn’t an unhealthy power dynamic at play, but please don’t demonize a man for something he didn’t do. It’s unhelpful and hurtful. If you think it’s a red flag that I’m sticking up for someone I love, perhaps examine why you wouldn’t stick up for those you love when they’re falsely accused of something, especially something like that.

    The Update: Last night, I moved my chair. Yes, it’s easy to move my chair; it glides right across the floor without issue. The positioning is such that unless he performs an exorcist-level head spin, sneezing at me/on me shouldn’t be a problem. He grumbled a bit as we ate, saying I was being “silly”. Tonight, there was no sneeze, as is typical on most nights (which, I guess I didn’t make clear enough in my original post that this isn’t an every-day thing). After we finished eating in our highly uncivilized, no-dinner-table way (which some of you were scarily offended by – live and let live, folks), I moved my chair back.

    I started a conversation with him about why I moved the chair and expressed that I was unhappy with him sneezing on me, that I found it vile and disgusting, and that expecting me to eat his germs was not okay. We live in a city, so I can always go out to eat or even order something in if I’m not in the mood to dig through the freezer, but I shouldn’t have to waste money. The compromise was either that I continue moving my chair OR that he starts using his TV tray and sneezing (at the very least) into his elbow. He told me (again) that it wasn’t on purpose and seemed annoyed that I’d bring it up at all. But he accepted it, and that was that. He switched the topic after saying the “Fine” that translates to “I’m accepting this, but I don’t like it”. We didn’t discuss it further. For the rest of the night, he acted like nothing was out of the ordinary, strange, or strained in any way. I’m sure that’s a red flag all by itself, but it’s the least of my problems right now.

    One small step. I’ll be working on slowly setting boundaries for myself and speaking up more. It’ll be a process. Not a very dramatic update, I know, but this is just what life is sometimes.

    Again, to the folks who have reached out, both privately and in the comment section, I appreciate you, your stories, and your feedback. Thank you for your commiseration, and yes, after some of the replies I’ve gotten, I absolutely understand why you didn’t want to share publicly. It’s still helpful to know I’m not alone in this. I also appreciate the patience of the folks who didn’t get mad that I couldn’t respond with absolute accuracy and communicate perfectly in a timely fashion while somehow also being able to analyze my entire relationship dynamic from an outside, totally objective perspective. That’s a big ask, and I appreciate the benefit of grace and patience from those who offered it.

    I clearly cannot keep up with the comments, and don’t have hours to spend replying each day, so I’m sorry if I missed you. I hope this update suffices.

    Relevant Comments:

    Commenter: He is intentionally spitting on you and you’re asking if you’re the asshole? Seriously? WTFFFFFF? This is so incredibly disrespectful, it is entry level abuse.

    Physical abuse may include being hit, beaten, pushed and shoved, burned, slapped, spit on, choked, kicked, bitten. A weapon can be used but may not be.

    I hope you are safe!

    OOP: I gave the update. Moving my chair was met with grumbling and comments about it being silly. But that’s it. He’s never hit me, which is, sadly enough, what I always told myself whenever I felt like he was hurting me, emotionally. Please don’t worry about that. He’s not that type.

    Commenter: I’ve read some of your other comments and it sounds like you’re having a difficult time with some of the things this post has brought up. Reddit can be harsh, but I’d encourage you to really pay attention to how he responds when you have this discussion. Is he open to considering your pov, or is he angry and defensive? Does he listen with a genuine intent to try to understand you, or is his focus more on finding opportunities to pick apart what you’ve said? Are you able to be in conflict without insults or put downs? Overall, what does his response to you advocating for your needs tell you about respect and love in your relationship?

    OOP: His default setting isn’t name-calling, physical aggression, or shouting. It’s more of an annoyed sigh, an eyeroll sometimes gets tossed in, a comment about me being unreasonable or silly, when I talk to him about things that I think are really wrong/upsetting. As I said before, it feels like a sort of indifference.

    But then, after the conversation/confrontation, whatever you want to call it, he reverts to acting like nothing is out of the ordinary or different in any way. He still wants to spend time doing our shared hobbies, still wants to cuddle when we go to bed, still laughs and jokes with me. It’s like it never happened. And sometimes he does change things - little things - but that’s what life is, really. Little things that add up to big things.

    I’m hoping that, after last night’s talk and my moving the chair, he’ll change his behavior. We’ll see. It’s not a snap of the finger sort of thing, though.

    To a kinder comment:

    Thank you for actually having compassion and empathy. I’ve updated, and I’m basically going to slink off away from reddit. The amount of judgement, negativity, and just general rudeness in so many of the replies is depleting my batteries when I need them most. Thank you so much for trying to counteract that with a thoughtful, honest, empathetic reply.

    Commenter: hi op! i know that the person above said to consider couples counseling, but i actually would consider individual counseling instead. abusive partners tend to weaponize terms that they learn in marriage counseling against their partner. in individual counseling, you can focus on your feelings without worrying about potential weaponization from him

    OOP: I think solo counselling will be a thing, whether he wants to go, or not. Because I’ve clearly slipped into some sort of strange spiral of shame over things I haven’t even done, or that I shouldn’t be ashamed of to begin with. We’ll see how it goes. Thank you for the recommendation.

    OOP clarifies:

    Our conversation isn’t over, I’m just giving him a moment to accept and process, and then I’ll bring it up again. It’s a process, and it’s slow, but it also gives me time to recharge my batteries in between - I hate confrontation, and I have a very difficult time with boundaries and standing up for myself in general. Maybe this approach of the series of conversations, or pauses between, doesn’t work for everyone, and it’s probably not the healthiest approach. But (thus far) it seems to be at least making progress, which is ultimately my goal in this situation. I’d like to not move my chair at all, but more than that, I’d like to know why this is something that he’s okay with doing to someone he says he loves.

    TL;DR It’s far from resolved, it’s just not going to be a one conversation and done.

    Commenter: Interesting how when you weren’t next to him to be a target he no longer had a need to sneeze.

    OOP: It’s not a daily thing, though? It never was. It just happened often enough to become an irritation (he just had a sneezing fit a few moments ago, in the hobby room, by himself).

    One more comment from OOP:

    I’m not trying to win any battle, I’m trying to not be sneezed on. And I wanted to update people on the non-result of moving the chair, because other people said he might “escalate and retaliate” (which he did not). The red flag is that he seems to not want to dig into the deeper issue (of why he was doing it, and felt it was okay - that is a deeper issue for me), so that we can fix whatever the root of the problem is, so nothing like this happens again in future. I’m not sure how I could have communicated that better, but there it is now, I hope this helps clear things up.

    • @[email protected]MEnglish
      1•3 months ago

      Mini Update/More information/clarification in Comments: June 15, 2024

      I’m responding to the people who called him a creep, despite the fact that I was an adult when we met. They’ve also claimed I was ‘targeted’ by a ‘predator.’ I’m glad some of you missed those comments, but it doesn’t mean they don’t exist, and I’m not going to NOT push back against them, because they’re ridiculous and insulting. Not just to him, but also to me. I wasn’t a child bride.

      Broad generalizations about ages and problems that stem solely because of age are hardly going to help anything here. Mostly because not all relationships, or people of the same age, are alike. The age gap isn’t always a problem for all people.

      I don’t know what the problem is in this situation, which is why we’re trying to get to the root of it through talking and (hopefully soon), therapy. But I can tell you that you don’t actually know either. You’re guessing and using broad generalizations and assumptions to back up your guess.

      I’m not sorry that I’m choosing to work on my marriage, and not throw a whole person, whom I love, away. You don’t have any skin in the game on this, so I’m not expecting you to understand, but, seems as I’m now in my 30’s and somehow this garners more respect for some idiotic reason, I hope you accept my answer.

      Again, do NOT comment on Original Posts or DM the OP. See rule 7. Be civil. Editor’s Note: OOP and I chatted in dms- I wanted her permission to post since she expressed consternation about her husband finding it. She is ok with me posting since she believes he would have found it already (especially since it has been crossposted elsewhere and on youtube.) As indicated in her posts and her dms to me, she is already receiving harassment from reddit. Let’s not add to it, and don’t jeopardize the sub by commenting on original posts.

      Editor’s Note 2: On a COMPLETELY different note, I forgot to remind you all that if you want to toast to Ryan (from this post,) today is the day!