This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2024-06-23 06:28:06+00:00.
I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/SneezedOnAndFedUp. She posted in r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC
Thanks to u/benificialbenefactor for the rec!
Trigger Warning: abuse
Mood Spoiler: frustrating and confusing
Do NOT comment on Original Posts or DM the Original Poster. See rule 7. OOP gave me permission to post this. Remember to be civil in the comments.
Original Post: June 10, 2024
My husband (41M) and I (32F) have been married for 10 years and have a routine where we eat dinner while watching TV. We sit next to each other in our big, comfy chairs, using little TV trays. However, he prefers to hold his food instead of using his tray (this is important later). He works from home most days, while I work from home fully. We talk throughout the day during breaks, so we don’t really have traditional dinner conversations (e.g., “how was your day”).
My husband suffers from seasonal allergies, and some months are rougher than others. He has allergy meds and we always keep tissues nearby, but he often says he “doesn’t have time” to reach for them when we’re eating (because he’s holding his plate and refuses to use the TV tray). Over the past year, he’s started doing something that I find extremely disrespectful and disgusting. When he feels a sneeze coming on, he moves his plate to the right and turns his head left—toward me and my plate. He doesn’t warn me, and if I’m not paying attention (scrolling netflix for something for us to watch, or already chowing down), I don’t notice until it’s too late.
He sneezes violently and repeatedly, without covering his mouth, all over me and my food.
[OOP] Editing: Seems as people think this is a nightly thing, it’s not and never has been. It’s just too frequent, and annoying, for me. It’s not only when we’re eating, either. It’s not only when I’m around, or never around other people, either. I’m not sure why these assumptions were made. I hope this clears things up.
When I tell him how gross it is, he says it’s “not that bad.” I’ve had to throw my food away multiple times because I refuse to eat it after it’s been sneezed on. I’m sorry, it’s gross, I don’t think asking me to eat whatever was expelled from his nose and mouth is reasonable. I’ve also had to clean myself off several times because I don’t want spittle and whatever else all over me.
When I threw the food away, he said I was overreacting and being “unreasonable.” I told him he should either use the TV tray, or sneeze in the direction of his own damned plate if it’s “no big deal” (as he says). He has refused to trade plates with me several times when this happens, and he groans and acts like I’m causing an issue when I say we should trade. Once when we were having takeout and didn’t have any leftovers, he even added so much chili to his food that it was too hot for me to eat, and sat there, smugly, saying how now I couldn’t ask him to trade. It felt childish AF. This has just added to the feeling of disrespect coming from him. I’m tired of throwing away food, but I also don’t want to eat it after what he does to it. It’s gross.
WIBTA if I just moved my chair away from him while I’m eating? He says he can’t control this, so I don’t see another solution if he’s unwilling to not sneeze in my general direction. I know he’ll huff and puff and roll his eyes and say that I’m being “unreasonable,” but I doubt he’ll make more of a fuss than that. But would this make me TA? I just want to eat my food without his nasal contributions, is that really too much to ask?
Editing to add:
A sincere thank you to the folks who actually gave good advice, listened, and cared: Thank you, from the bottom of my anxiety-riddled heart. I mean it; it means something to me to know that someone, somewhere, genuinely cares about a random stranger on the internet. You’re not as rare as I thought, which is nice to know in the grand scheme of things.
I’m beyond overwhelmed with the replies. I’m not an extrovert, I’m trying to keep up with the replies but (as said), I’m also trying to get some work done. I never expected this many reactions. It’s a lot to sort through and I’m sorry to those who left genuine comments, that I missed. I will try to go through and answer everyone, but if I miss you, sorry about that.
I’ve gone from thinking this was just a “move the chair / don’t move the chair, it’s not worth the drama” post to questioning whether or not I’m in an abusive marriage. And what that means for me, for him, for us, going forward. I honestly wasn’t thinking of this as abusive. I feel more than a little stupid for not recognizing it, especially because, if I read this story from someone else, I’d be outraged.
I’m ashamed and genuinely embarrassed. I can tell you one thing for sure: I will not be getting sneezed on today, and we will be having a conversation about it, soon.
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: NTA. Why are you eating in the same room? This just grossed me out so bad. Manchild needs to grow up. I hope he has other redeeming qualities
OOP: As I mentioned (to another commenter), he tends to dig his heels in when he feels justified or believes something is acceptable (like sneezing on my food and me, apparently, sigh). In general, I enjoy spending time with him, even when we’re eating (with the exception of sneezing fits during the last year)—otherwise, we wouldn’t be married.
He’s usually patient, caring, polite, and affectionate, which is why this behavior feels so out of character and jarring for me. I’m really quite pissed at the moment, as this happened again last night and I’ve had it. Really frustrated.
Commenter: You’re fully aware that huffing and puffing is gaslighting, right? He’d not offended you don’t want to be sneezed on and “think” he’s not helping you by trying to not sneeze on you. He’d be mad you’re actually taking steps to keep him from fucking with you.
Let’s get real… He’s being an absolutely disgusting human being on purpose. Otherwise he’d swap meals and turn the other way. And you’re just taking it. He’d be upset because the fun would be gone and you’d be comfortable again. Let that sink in.
OOP: I cannot reconcile the idea that he’s doing this on purpose simply to “mess with me” with the same guy I’ve spent the last 10 years with. It’s just not like him. I think I’ll see how he reacts to me moving my chair while we eat. He may huff and puff, but he’ll accept it. I’ll move my seat back when his hands aren’t occupied, and he can again reach for his tissues. It’s not a big deal for me to move a chair in the grand scheme of things. I’m not going to assign him motives—that wouldn’t be fair to him.
Commenter: (part of a longer comment) I’m getting the impression this probably isn’t the first thing he has tried to convince you you’re overreacting to, is that the case?
OOP: It’s not the first time he’s told me I’m overreacting, no. It’s far from it. Unfortunately, I’ve responded to a lot of these comments and found myself defending the dumbest things. Things that, if friends told me their significant others were doing to them, I’d be so angry at their partners. It’s a sad place to find yourself.
I’m going to move my chair, we’re going to have a talk, and hopefully, he’ll agree to couples counseling. I don’t feel like this is normal.
Honestly, after some of the replies on here, I’m not sure I want to share more. I’m sorry, the more I share the more upset I get, and the more people claim it’s ragebait, which actually really hurts my feelings. So. Sort of a no-win situation for me.
What are you even doing here when you’re so obviously NTA? Smack him and be done with it
What I’m doing here is looking for support on moving my chair, because I’ve spent the last year going back and forth between “You’re overreacting” and “This is intolerable!” I wanted an outside perspective on moving the chair without having to share this disgusting, humiliating situation with anyone I know socially, as it’s embarrassing. As for why I’m not slapping his head off, I don’t hit people—I’d make a terrible Jerry Springer guest.
Commenter (part of a longer comment): NTA You can’t control other people’s actions, you can only control your own. So what if he huffs and puffs at least he won’t be getting snot on you. He’s going to huff and puff regardless because you’re going to get mad when he sneezes on you. At least this way, you get your way and if he gets mad he’d be the unreasonable one. And don’t even verbalize that
OOP: I think you’re right about the huffing and puffing, because he also complains when I throw food away. I won’t be saying “I’m more dry here”; it made me laugh, but it feels unnecessarily antagonistic and might just make him more upset, which isn’t my goal. My goal is simply mucus-free food.
I don’t generally go withou…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1dmfv58/wibta_if_i_just_moved_my_chair_away_from_my/
I don’t generally go without eating; you’re not the first person to mention this, so I should probably clarify in my main post. I grew up food insecure, so we usually have a full freezer. It’s very rare that I don’t have backups available (except that one time when we had a power outage and everything spoiled, that week was an absolute nightmare). We live in a city, so I can always order takeout or venture out to eat somewhere (even though I hate the idea of spending more money and wasting the other food).
It bothers me that he doesn’t apologize and avoids admitting fault quite a bit. But I don’t believe it’s vindictive; I think it’s just carelessness or a sort of disregard. I don’t mean to assign motives to him or paint him as a bad guy because he’s really not! I can’t believe that someone who treats me well in general is doing this intentionally to upset me. It just doesn’t feel like something he’d do.
I’ve shared such a tiny portion of our relationship, and based on some of the replies, people seem to be imagining him as some sort of pitchfork-wielding devil or needing a diaper, and these things just aren’t accurate. Maybe that’s my fault for asking in the first place.
I think I just need to move my chair, and try to really talk with him again.
Commenter: NTA Anybody that does something gross to you that they won’t do to themselves is TA. I am concerned about his completely unwillingness to compromise on any solution, though. Do he do that with anything else?
OOP: He tends to resist compromise, especially when he feels justified or believes something is acceptable. He really digs his heels in when he thinks he’s right and I (or anyone else) am wrong. We don’t clash often since he’s usually quite reasonable, polite, and respectful. I think that’s why it feels so jarring when he behaves this way.
On trying to avoid being angry:
“Avoid being angry” - I’ve already failed on that front. Last night he did it again, and I stood up, handed him my food, and left. I went out to eat alone, and I’m not really a fan of eating out at all, being solo made it strange. I told him, when I got back, to just let me know which show he watched so I could catch up later. He said I was being childish (which might be accurate), but our evening other than that was normal, when I got home he acted like everything was fine.
I’ll try explaining to him how it makes me feel. He can be really stubborn when he thinks my negative emotions (like feeling hurt or sad) are unreasonable. He has said, “I’m sorry that you feel that way about (whatever he did),” but it feels like he’s putting the responsibility for my feelings solely on me, as if other people wouldn’t feel the same in my situation. It comes across as dismissive.
Commenter: Yeah, you’re describing someone who does not give a shit about you unless you’re tiptoeing around displaying only emotions and behaviors that please him. Open your eyes. And what is this nonsense about not getting angry? HE IS DELIBERATELY GETTING HIS DISGUSTING SNOT ON YOUR ON YOUR FOOD and you’re supposed to meekly explain that it makes you feel sad? Fuck that.
It’s very hard to believe this isn’t fiction.
OOP: Believe it’s fake if you like. I’m an insecure person, and I have a hard time with confrontation. Right now, I’m actually hesitant to even post this, because you used caps, which (to me) is screaming, and I tend to avoid people who scream at others. That’s how much I don’t like confrontation. It’s very hard to believe that you haven’t seen worse on reddit to the point that my situation is somehow the end all be all of outrage here.
Commenter: Sometimes, people aren’t who we think or want them to be. We just fall in love with their potential. And sometimes, we think people love us, when they don’t know how to love others. Are you sure he is who you think he is and not who you want him to be or who he COULD be? And even if you truly love HIM, do you really think he loves you back the same? Not, “he loves me the best he can” but with the same level of respect you show him? Does he enrich your life for the better?
OOP: I’m starting to wonder if he’s fallen out of love with me a little? I don’t know. This thread has been…a lot. I just wanted a thumbs up on moving a chair, now I’m sitting here trying not to burst into tears.
Commenter: I hope you are able to talk to an independent third party soon. You deserve better than this. You really do. Long distance hug from Norway ❤️
OOP: I’ll be insisting on couple’s counselling. Answering all these questions has made me realize that he’s actually been doing a lot of things that are just not okay, at all, and I don’t think I want to live the rest of my life with someone who acts like this. It’s not okay. None of it is
Commenter: I’m so sorry sometimes we delude ourselves just to be able to tolerate behaviour we normally would not. I would suggest couples therapy and I don’t generally go there but I think you need the help to navigate this situation otherwise you are going to get to a point of no return. Unfortunately I would guess he won’t go saying that you are the problem he does nothing wrong (the delusion thing) but you at least may need to go to understand what you want for yourself. You actually sound like a really good person with someone who is not always a nice person.
OOP: This whole thread feels like a giant mistake. Like I just ruined my own life somehow, by asking too many questions, by reading too many replies, by giving too many examples of things that - viewing them from the outside - are so super screwed up.
Commenter: where s he charming & loving exactly? I’m not seeing any behavior to support that.
OOP: He wasn’t always like this. I never would have married him if he started out this way.
Another person, who was in a similar situation, said the same thing happened to them. That it started by letting small things go and, before they knew it, they were a doormat - and that’s how their marriage lasted as long as it did. Like you said, frog in a hotpot.
We still do our hobbies together, but he used do other things with me, too - we used to walk the dog together, cuddled in the afternoons, we’d take turns reading aloud to each other (whcih sounds stupid I’m sure, but it was sweet) while the other drew or painted, spent our weekends doing fun things, just the two of us. It was really nice.
He still does small things from time to time, like bringing me my favorite icecream when I had a really tough day (work related). I appreciated that, a lot. But asking him to walk our dog together, he’d just roll his eyes and say he’s really my dog (which he is, I do all the grooming, vet visits, and walking - but he was once OUR dog).
In answering all the questions I got, I realized just how messed up things had gotten. It was so gradual, though, I didn’t see it as it happened and now, here I am, asking if it’s worth being spit on to avoid a confrontation because I’m not sure it’s worth it. I updated saying I’d get counselling for us, and I’d love to tell you that’s going to happen. But I’m worried he’s going to pretend that I’m overreacting, and refuse to go. And I’m honestly not sure where that leaves me.
One last thought from OOP on this not being the only shitty thing he does:
No, turns out, it’s not. As I’ve answered other people’s questions, I’ve realized just how dysfunctional our relationship has become. I’ve slowly devolved into a doormat, because it was easier to just tolerate all the little things that hurt, than it was to go through an emotionally exhausting conversation about behaviors and changes that need to be made. I just let it slip. And now I’m on reddit, asking to move a chair, and realizing just how fucked up everything is.
Update (Same Post): June 12, 2024 (2 days later)
Update/Answered Questions:
Our Age Gap: There has been some speculation about my husband being a predator. We met online in a space where people weren’t sharing their ages. My avatar was a sketch I’d done, and his was a character from his favorite book series. He didn’t go trolling for “barely out of college girls”; we met through a shared hobby, which we still share and enjoy together. We eventually started flirting and then shared our contact information outside of the site. So, whatever story you’ve told yourself about him being some sort of creep, it’s not true. That’s not to say there isn’t an unhealthy power dynamic at play, but please don’t demonize a man for something he didn’t do. It’s unhelpful and hurtful. If you think it’s a red flag that I’m sticking up for someone I love, perhaps examine why you wouldn’t stick up for those you love when they’re falsely accused of something, especially something like that.
The Update: Last night, I moved my chair. Yes, it’s easy to move my chair; it glides right across the floor without issue. The positioning is such that unless he performs an exorcist-level head spin, sneezing at me/on me shouldn’t be a problem. He grumbled a bit as we ate, saying I was being “silly”. Tonight, there was no sneeze, as is typical on most nights (which, I guess I didn’t make clear enough in my original post that this isn’t an every-day thing). After we finished eating in our highly uncivilized, no-dinner-table way (which some of you were scarily offended by – live and let live, folks), I moved my chair back.
I started a conversation with him about why I moved the chair and expressed that I was unhappy with him sneezing on me, that I found it vile and disgusting, and that expecting me to eat his germs was not okay. We live in a city, so I can always go out to eat or even order something in if I’m not in the mood to dig through the freezer, but I shouldn’t have to waste money. The compromise was either that I continue moving my chair OR that he starts using his TV tray and sneezing (at the very least) into his elbow. He told me (again) that it wasn’t on purpose and seemed annoyed that I’d bring it up at all. But he accepted it, and that was that. He switched the topic after saying the “Fine” that translates to “I’m accepting this, but I don’t like it”. We didn’t discuss it further. For the rest of the night, he acted like nothing was out of the ordinary, strange, or strained in any way. I’m sure that’s a red flag all by itself, but it’s the least of my problems right now.
One small step. I’ll be working on slowly setting boundaries for myself and speaking up more. It’ll be a process. Not a very dramatic update, I know, but this is just what life is sometimes.
Again, to the folks who have reached out, both privately and in the comment section, I appreciate you, your stories, and your feedback. Thank you for your commiseration, and yes, after some of the replies I’ve gotten, I absolutely understand why you didn’t want to share publicly. It’s still helpful to know I’m not alone in this. I also appreciate the patience of the folks who didn’t get mad that I couldn’t respond with absolute accuracy and communicate perfectly in a timely fashion while somehow also being able to analyze my entire relationship dynamic from an outside, totally objective perspective. That’s a big ask, and I appreciate the benefit of grace and patience from those who offered it.
I clearly cannot keep up with the comments, and don’t have hours to spend replying each day, so I’m sorry if I missed you. I hope this update suffices.
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: He is intentionally spitting on you and you’re asking if you’re the asshole? Seriously? WTFFFFFF? This is so incredibly disrespectful, it is entry level abuse.
Physical abuse may include being hit, beaten, pushed and shoved, burned, slapped, spit on, choked, kicked, bitten. A weapon can be used but may not be.
I hope you are safe!
OOP: I gave the update. Moving my chair was met with grumbling and comments about it being silly. But that’s it. He’s never hit me, which is, sadly enough, what I always told myself whenever I felt like he was hurting me, emotionally. Please don’t worry about that. He’s not that type.
Commenter: I’ve read some of your other comments and it sounds like you’re having a difficult time with some of the things this post has brought up. Reddit can be harsh, but I’d encourage you to really pay attention to how he responds when you have this discussion. Is he open to considering your pov, or is he angry and defensive? Does he listen with a genuine intent to try to understand you, or is his focus more on finding opportunities to pick apart what you’ve said? Are you able to be in conflict without insults or put downs? Overall, what does his response to you advocating for your needs tell you about respect and love in your relationship?
OOP: His default setting isn’t name-calling, physical aggression, or shouting. It’s more of an annoyed sigh, an eyeroll sometimes gets tossed in, a comment about me being unreasonable or silly, when I talk to him about things that I think are really wrong/upsetting. As I said before, it feels like a sort of indifference.
But then, after the conversation/confrontation, whatever you want to call it, he reverts to acting like nothing is out of the ordinary or different in any way. He still wants to spend time doing our shared hobbies, still wants to cuddle when we go to bed, still laughs and jokes with me. It’s like it never happened. And sometimes he does change things - little things - but that’s what life is, really. Little things that add up to big things.
I’m hoping that, after last night’s talk and my moving the chair, he’ll change his behavior. We’ll see. It’s not a snap of the finger sort of thing, though.
To a kinder comment:
Thank you for actually having compassion and empathy. I’ve updated, and I’m basically going to slink off away from reddit. The amount of judgement, negativity, and just general rudeness in so many of the replies is depleting my batteries when I need them most. Thank you so much for trying to counteract that with a thoughtful, honest, empathetic reply.
Commenter: hi op! i know that the person above said to consider couples counseling, but i actually would consider individual counseling instead. abusive partners tend to weaponize terms that they learn in marriage counseling against their partner. in individual counseling, you can focus on your feelings without worrying about potential weaponization from him
OOP: I think solo counselling will be a thing, whether he wants to go, or not. Because I’ve clearly slipped into some sort of strange spiral of shame over things I haven’t even done, or that I shouldn’t be ashamed of to begin with. We’ll see how it goes. Thank you for the recommendation.
OOP clarifies:
Our conversation isn’t over, I’m just giving him a moment to accept and process, and then I’ll bring it up again. It’s a process, and it’s slow, but it also gives me time to recharge my batteries in between - I hate confrontation, and I have a very difficult time with boundaries and standing up for myself in general. Maybe this approach of the series of conversations, or pauses between, doesn’t work for everyone, and it’s probably not the healthiest approach. But (thus far) it seems to be at least making progress, which is ultimately my goal in this situation. I’d like to not move my chair at all, but more than that, I’d like to know why this is something that he’s okay with doing to someone he says he loves.
TL;DR It’s far from resolved, it’s just not going to be a one conversation and done.
Commenter: Interesting how when you weren’t next to him to be a target he no longer had a need to sneeze.
OOP: It’s not a daily thing, though? It never was. It just happened often enough to become an irritation (he just had a sneezing fit a few moments ago, in the hobby room, by himself).
One more comment from OOP:
I’m not trying to win any battle, I’m trying to not be sneezed on. And I wanted to update people on the non-result of moving the chair, because other people said he might “escalate and retaliate” (which he did not). The red flag is that he seems to not want to dig into the deeper issue (of why he was doing it, and felt it was okay - that is a deeper issue for me), so that we can fix whatever the root of the problem is, so nothing like this happens again in future. I’m not sure how I could have communicated that better, but there it is now, I hope this helps clear things up.
Mini Update/More information/clarification in Comments: June 15, 2024
I’m responding to the people who called him a creep, despite the fact that I was an adult when we met. They’ve also claimed I was ‘targeted’ by a ‘predator.’ I’m glad some of you missed those comments, but it doesn’t mean they don’t exist, and I’m not going to NOT push back against them, because they’re ridiculous and insulting. Not just to him, but also to me. I wasn’t a child bride.
Broad generalizations about ages and problems that stem solely because of age are hardly going to help anything here. Mostly because not all relationships, or people of the same age, are alike. The age gap isn’t always a problem for all people.
I don’t know what the problem is in this situation, which is why we’re trying to get to the root of it through talking and (hopefully soon), therapy. But I can tell you that you don’t actually know either. You’re guessing and using broad generalizations and assumptions to back up your guess.
I’m not sorry that I’m choosing to work on my marriage, and not throw a whole person, whom I love, away. You don’t have any skin in the game on this, so I’m not expecting you to understand, but, seems as I’m now in my 30’s and somehow this garners more respect for some idiotic reason, I hope you accept my answer.
Again, do NOT comment on Original Posts or DM the OP. See rule 7. Be civil. Editor’s Note: OOP and I chatted in dms- I wanted her permission to post since she expressed consternation about her husband finding it. She is ok with me posting since she believes he would have found it already (especially since it has been crossposted elsewhere and on youtube.) As indicated in her posts and her dms to me, she is already receiving harassment from reddit. Let’s not add to it, and don’t jeopardize the sub by commenting on original posts.
Editor’s Note 2: On a COMPLETELY different note, I forgot to remind you all that if you want to toast to Ryan (from this post,) today is the day!
