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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/MercuryBORU on 2024-07-21 09:04:59+00:00.

I am NOT OOP. Original post by u/ThrowRABritaboo in r/AmITheAsshole and r/Relationship_Advice 

Trigger Warnings: Diet conflict, relationship tension, cultural misunderstandings, family conflict.

Original - 31 May 2024

Update 1 - 14th July 2024

AITA for refusing to eat my girlfriend’s parents’ “ethnic food”? - 31 May 2024

(Fake names used)

Olivia (F22) and I (M18) have been dating for about 7 months, we met at Uni as we’re both doing a BA in Primary Education. She’s in her second year, but we met through the course. Olivia is Japanese, her family has been in England for about 8 years. Her whole family, but especially Olivia, are obsessed with English culture, I joke that she is a “Britaboo”, which is honestly quite accurate. (She cried when the Queen died lol).

On the Wednesday just passed, I was invited to a meal with Olivia’s family. This was a big deal, the first time I would meet them. I had seen pictures and whatever but never met them. She told me that they’re more relaxed now since moving to England, but they are still very “traditional” and honestly, I am still not too sure what that means in Japanese terms. I know what it would mean if someone here said their parents were very “traditional”, but not for a Japanese family. But anyway, I wanted to make a good impression, so I told her to instruct me how to behave in the house and when meeting them. Olivia said she was really excited for me to try her family’s “ethnic food” (that is how she described it) and I was looking forward to it also.

Fast forward to the night, it was all going great. We sat down to eat, and this is where things went wrong. When Olivia’s mom brought out the food it was udon noodles with chicken and a fried egg on top, as well as what looked to be chicken kebabs (they called them something different, but I can’t remember the name).

I instantly felt embarrassed, I looked over to Olivia who was smiling and signalling for me to eat it. This is where I think I f-ed up. I just blurted out “I can’t eat this”, I think overly bluntly, and looked at the mom. I thought there had been some mistake. I was raised, and still am vegan. Olivia knows this, I thought she would have communicated it to her parents. Olivia looked embarrassed, I felt embarrassed. She was like “just try it, just try” but I told her no, I can’t eat it if it’s meat. Her parents seemed confused; I explained that I was vegan. And they were just like “why didn’t you say before we cooked?” And I just said I thought Olivia would have told you. I just looked at her, I felt so embarrassed, and she was still telling me to try it because “you’ve never had this type before”.

I refused to eat it, she Olivia’s mom went and brought me something else out which she said had no meat. But the whole evening after that was incredibly awkward. After I left Olivia messaged me and we had a huge fight. She said how I embarrassed her by not even trying the food, I told her I couldn’t try it even if I wanted to. I’ve never eaten meat or any animal products in my life, if I had eaten it then I would have gotten sick. I asked why she didn’t tell her parents I was vegan, she said she thought I would “just break it for the one night”. She said her mom disappointed she had to waste all the food she had cooked for me because it was so expensive.

Top Comments

shiny-baby-cheetah

NTA, the title is a bit misleading. You didn’t refuse to eat ethnic food, you refused to eat meat, because you’re a lifelong vegan. Olivia is in the wrong here. She should have told her parents so they could make you a meal you could eat. It seems like Olivia wanted you to break your own convictions, to make a good impression. And that was wrong of her.

ThrowRABritaboo (OOP) responding to shiny-baby-cheetah

I think I failed to express it well in the post, but Olivia made it seem like I refused to eat it because it was “ethnic food” which wasn’t the reason for me, it was because it was animal products. Which makes no sense, because I ate the food, they gave me afterwards which (I hope) had no animal products in.

the_net_my_side_ho

I read the title thinking “there’s no way that OP is not the AH.” But, after reading you’re NTA. If you are eggs after not eating them ever, not meat, you’d have a terrible night. Way more embarrassing. You could’ve finesse your reaction, maybe you did, with “sorry, this looks delicious but I’m vegan and haven’t eaten meat before. I’m having a hard time not trying it but I’m sure I’ll get sick, etc” this way the mom doesn’t feel like you rejected their food. But sounds like she didn’t and was understanding. Also, seems to me like your gf has an issue with you being vegan and hoped that this ploy would embarrass you enough to force you into changing your ways. Very rude and manipulative in my opinion.

wildflower7827

NTA - It’s your girlfriends fault and she needs to accept the blame for the lack of communication with her parents. She had no right to assume you would “just break it for one night” that’s not how true vegans do things and she’s plenty old enough to know that. She also could have discussed it with you first and asked if you would try the food so that you could’ve said no before ever even going over there and before her mother spent time and money on the meal. You should be mad at her, not the other way around. And if her mom is disappointed over the waste of food, she should be disappointed in her daughter.

archetyping101

NTA but Olivia is.

I’m Asian and my partner is white. I make it very clear to my parents what she won’t eat before we even decide where to go.

Why would Olivia not tell her parents? I absolutely do NOT think it’s ok to expect someone who’s vegan, vegetarian, pescatarian etc to have to change their diet even for one time because their partner wants them to. It wasn’t her call to make. She should have given her parents a heads up. Instead, she made it out like you were the issue and that this was your fault. Nope, this was Olivia’s fault.

My (M18) gf (F22) is still mad at me for something that happened 6 weeks ago, is the relationship over? I don’t know where to go from here? - 14th July 2024

About six weeks ago, I had my first dinner with Olivia’s family, which turned into a disaster because of a Oliva didn’t tell her parents that I was vegan. When they served meat dishes, I refused to eat them, which made Olivia really upset and apparently made her parents angry at me. Since then, things have been rough between us.

We talked things through initially, but the tension has stuck around. We’ve had several arguments about respect and communication. Olivia thinks I should have been more flexible for one night, while I feel my dietary choices are a core part of who I am and should be respected. I tried to smooth things over, but every time I’m around her family, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells.

Things have gotten worse between Olivia and me. She has been increasingly critical of my vegan lifestyle, making comments about how inconvenient it is and how it complicates things. Previously she was incredibly supportive, would look up what vegan options were at resturants before we went for example. I’ve told her how important it is for me but she doesn’t seem to care anymore.

Everything came to a head on last week, we were planning a weekend trip and I asked that we look for somewhere with good vegan options and she went mad at me. “Why do we always have to cater to your diet? Why can’t we go somewhere I enjoy?” I told her to go where she wanted, but if I couldn’t eat anything I wouldn’t join her. She could take her friends or whatever. I didn’t care. She said that I’m being too rigid and that I should be more willing to adapt.

I’m starting to feel like Olivia wants me to change who I am to fit better into her world. She keeps suggesting that I try to be more “normal” and flexible, but I don’t think my choices are abnormal or unreasonable. The strain is affecting our relationship, and I’m beginning to question if we’re truly compatible.

I really love Olivia, and I want to things to work out but I don’t know how. Are we just too different? How do I get her to understand what she knew before?

TL;DR: Six weeks ago, I had a disastrous dinner with my girlfriend Olivia’s parents because she didn’t tell them I’m vegan. Since then, we’ve had several arguments about my diet, and Olivia has become increasingly critical of it. Our latest fight happened when I asked to find vegan-friendly options for a weekend trip. Oli…

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