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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-10-30 04:01:02+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/trwwwwsisthelp

My(23F) sister(25F) and friends(20s) talked about how I’m not good enough for my boyfriend(25M). They don’t know I heard and I don’t know what to do

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: golden child syndrome, favoritism, ableism

Original Post  Sept 13, 2018

Firstly, my sister and this group of friends are what I would consider my closest friends. I love this girls to death. I literally tried to donate a kidney for one of them. I am 100% heart broken

My bf is an amazing guy, kind, funny, smart as hell and pretty much a model. He’s just gorgeous. And asexual.

This isn’t a problem to me and we worked it out. He’s also very open to it and everyone knows(which I entirely support!).

We were supposed to hang out a week ago but after spending about half an hour his job called him and he had to leave. This didn’t bother me a lot bc I had a killer headache and went home.

My sister and I share an ap. to save money and we have a year long lease so I guess I’m screwed.

Long story short, I closed my door, didn’t light up and got a nap. Next thing I know I wake up to my sister voice. She and those friends were at our house(from what I heard they were going to a club and were drinking a bit/waiting for the others).

I didn’t get up bc I was lazy and would have to put pants. Then they started talking about me. I’m not proud but I was curious.

They were talking aboyt how they couldn’t believe I was dating my bf, how he was too good for me, how I was too ugly to get a guy like him. My sister then started telling how being asexual is obviously a excuse to not have sex with me.

I’m not pretty and while it does makes me insecure I know I have other good characteristics but it was very hard hearing that.

They also made fun of my learning disability(they calle the r-word, which I can’t even fucking write it). That I wasn’t even financially stable, made fun of my job. They said I had to beg to be fucked.

All of my friends laughed and all of them shit talked me. I was crying pretty hard at that point. They left and I didn’t know what to do.

I went to bed and basically made myself scarce this week. I get up earlier, get home later or stay at my bf. I have answered their messages but was somewhat cold.

I know I have to talk with them, even if it’s to just cut off contact but I can’t open my mouth right now. I feel so ashamed and sad.

My bf is also worried but I can’t get what they said from my head. I know it’s not true and my bf is asexual but I feel like I’m not worth being with him.

My sister is my best friend. I fucking told her how I feel too ugly and stupid to be with him. I showed her our messages and we spoke about his asexuality. I love her so much it hurts. I can’t stand looking at her knowing she was saying those on my back, and that none of my friends said anything.

I just don’t know what to do. I could break my lease, I guess(even tho it would be very expensive) but I don’t know how to say why I’m doing it or how I can face them. I don’t know if I should tell my bf.

TL;DR: my sister and friends mocked me for not being good enough for my bf. They don’t know I heard them and I don’t know what to do

Edit: I can’t begin to explain how much you guys rock! Thank you so much for all the advice, support and tough love, it has truly helped me and it warms my heart ti see so many people taking their time to write to a stranger on the internet

I’m trying to respond to all the comments but if I haven’t please know I have read it and and considered!

I promise I will talk with my boyfriend tomorrow, we are going to his place and I’ll probably just show him this post

Edit 2: hey guys, again, thank you so much for all the messages and well wishes! It truly made a moment of pain more bearable and it made me feel better to know there are so many of those who care!

I really need to sleep now but will do my best to respond to the comments tomorrow!

Thanks everyone

Update  Sept 23, 2018 (10 days later)

Hey everyone, first of all, I’d like to thank everyone for the messages and comments on my last post, it truly helped me get off the bed and face the day.

I showed my BF the last post bc I just didn’t know how I could say it. He was very sad and disappointed but being asexual he has had his fair number of assholes, but he mostly felt angry for me and agreed with the majority of advices that I should confront her. We decided a letter would be the best choice since I actually write a lot of letters and it’s not direct confrontation.

I like writing letters for moments(like, letters for when the person is sad, happy, angry, scared, ect) so I do have some techinique but this was, with no doubt, the hardest things I ever wrote. I decided to go for the simple and blunt. Told her I heard what they said about me and while I was willing to work on our relationship, I needed distance from her and this whole situation.

I talked with my landlord(lady?) and she was super sweet and had no problem breaking the lease, I offered to find someone to take up my place but apparently she has someone that could use the room so that’s cool

I intended to pack and leave the letter on her bed but she came home early and caught me. I basically said fuck it to myself and told her I heard them saying I wasn’t good enough and calling me names.

First she tried to deny, which I wasn’t having it, then she tried to justify and say I was overreacting but I just stared at her. Then she finally started to apologize and cry. At that moment I actually thought we might be able to save the relationship but then she started making herself the victim. The main points were

1- I just can’t understand how hard it is to be pretty(not even kidding)

2- I don’t understand how she feels bc I’m used at not being the best

3-It’s not fair I get a gorgeous BF, who is completely out of my league while she’s single

4-She feels embarassed when we go out together and she has to tell people that my BF is actually mine, not hers

5-She knows asexuality doesn’t exist and we’re doing this just for attention.

I just kinda froze, I wish I had said something but I couldn’t open my mouth. She then said she was going out to “recover from our traumatic conversation” and left.

I just packed the rest of my things and left the letters on her bed.

I’m currently at my BF’s place but I’m looking for a free room that is not super far from my job.

I also wrote and sent letters to my “friends” a and then blocked their social media/contacts. I’m certain they’ll find a way to approach me as we work close but I can’t give a fuck.

Besides all of that, last friday I had dinner with my parents, I gave them an edited version of what happened(bc I don’t wanna talk about my sex life) and that I broke the lease/blocked my friends. They said I shouldn’t be angry bc it was true and that the first time they met my BF they thought I was playing a prank. My dad then started saying I was veing selfish by breaking the lease and, I shit you not, betraying my sister trust and that you don’t do this with family.

So yeah, I’ve been ignoring them since this happened, as well as my sister.

Overall, I’m fine, I actually feel more tired than angry or sad

TL;DR: talked with my BF, it went well. Talked with my sister, didn’t go well. Moved out. Talked with my parents, they said I’m selfish

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

This is a little bit off topic, but I’m curious as to how your relationship dynamic works with your boyfriend. I don’t know too much about asexuality/you mentioned you have a disability, so if it isn’t too personal for me to ask - how does your relationship work? How do you go about a sex life? I don’t mean to be offensive or nosy so apologies in advance, I’m just curious :)

OOP

Don’t worry!

Asexuality is a scale, like the hetero/gay, at one side you have the asexual and on the other the allosexual. Between you have differents shades of grey. Some people don’t feel sexual attraction but don’t really care about having sex if it makes their partners happy, some really don’t want to do it, some only feel sexual attraction for those they have an emotional connection. It’s a very diverse community

As for the obstacles of dating an asexual man, I guess it mostly falls into what you consider a deal breaker, what are your needs, ect.

I can live without sex. I can live happy without sex. Again, it’s about compromise, there are other thing in my relationship that are more important to me than sex and they are being met so I’m happy.

I guess it just goes down to: if you can’t date someone without sex, that’s ok. If you can, that’s ok too. The only wrong thing is to start shitting rules.

OOP on if her parents always treated her sister as the golden child

I checked it out some of the links people sent me and I believe  they did… things like having to give her my clothes if she liked them or having to eat her food if she didn’t want anymore

I don…

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