**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** u/Forgotten_child9. She posted in r/AITAH Previous BORU post...
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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2024-11-05 05:11:12+00:00.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Forgotten_child9. She posted in r/AITAH

Previous BORU post here. Some comments removed for word limit. **New Update marked with *******

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old. This is a long post.

**Trigger Warning:**child neglect

Mood Spoiler: things are better for OOP

Original Post: September 10, 2024

TL; DR: My parents were married a couple of weeks ago in Hawaii and they invited my siblings and a few friends but forgot to include me in any part of the planning, the ceremony or the trip so I exposed them on social media and now they are furious.

I know this seems like a weird situation, but I just feel so angry and depressed that I feel the need to vent even if no one is listening. So I (17f) was recently forgotten about on the day of my parents wedding. My parents have been together for about 25 years, but they never actually got married. That’s why when my dad (50m) proposed to my mother(49f) on their anniversary (which they have always celebrated on the date my mother found out she was pregnant with my eldest sister even tough they were already together before) everyone, including me, was elated and celebrated the occasion with great joy.

This happened all the way back in February. They immediately jumped into wedding planning deciding very early on on a small event in Hawaii with just the closest family and friends for an intimate ceremony. Almost immediately my mother asked my sister (25f) to be her maid of honor, and my dad asked my brother (22m) to be his groomsman. I wasn’t surprised or offended by this; my sister had always been a mommy’s girl and they both enjoyed spending time with each other shopping and socializing so they had a very close bond and the same goes for my father and brother; they always played football together and messed around with cars; my father even trained my brother’s team for a while in middle school. That had always left me as the odd one out: I tried to insert myself on my family’s hobbies and groups that they had within our home but was always rebuffed: Maybe they could sense that my interest on their activities wasn’t all that genuine or maybe they just didn’t care. Either way I was used to being the last and least important member of my family. Mom had sis and dad had bro, my parents had each other and my two siblings were closer to each other than they ever were to me, leaving me very lonely and isolated in my own home.

During the preparation for the wedding initially it was suggested that I be the flower girl, but my sister thought that role would be more appropriate for her daughter (3f) so that idea was quickly tossed away. Later on my maternal grandmother suggested that I might read a poem or do a little bit of a speech during the ceremony, but both my parents refused because they wanted the wedding to be “low key”, and they didn’t think a “cheesy and sappy speech would fit their vision” (their literal words). I was still okay with all of this even though it hurt to know I would be the only member of the family to not actually be part of the wedding party or have any role at all on the day.

As the day approached my parents and siblings got more and more caught up on all the wedding planning. I noticed my mom didn’t invite me dress shopping and that whenever they would have discussions about the venue or the event I was left out so I decided to see if they would realize that I wasn’t being involved at all and kept quiet, waiting for them to ask me something, anything, about the wedding but that never happened.

The wedding was set for three weeks ago, the end of august. The day before the departure my mother casually asked if I had my luggage ready because we couldn’t be late to the airport. I bluntly told her that I hadn’t prepared anything. She got confused for a second and then snapped at me for not being prepared. I then asked her if I even had a ticket and her face went pale. Yep, they hadn’t even bought me a ticket and I’m not even sure if I had a room or any accommodations once there. Even though I was the only person in my family without an stable income (I work as a part-time baby-sitter) my parents had bought first class tickets for my siblings and the couple other friends that were attending the wedding but had forgotten me. My mom told me not to make a big deal out of it and that they can just find me a low-cost ticket last minute from a cheap airline, but I just replied by asking her “Then what? Do I even have a dress for the ceremony?” She went with sis to buy hers and all the other female guests months ago, but I wasn’t included.

That’s when my father came in and just told me to suck it up and that I’ve never been a girly girl so I could just wear whatever. I got mad at this because, even though I’m not the most feminine girl in the planet, I would have loved to be included in such an important part of my parents wedding, and it was about the fact that I was excluded for literally everything that had been going on for months. We all got into a fight with them calling me entitled and accusing me of making myself small intentionally so they would forget me (like that is a valid excuse for ignoring a child). They ended up telling me that if I was going to keep this attitude I might as well skip the whole thing altogether to which I responded with a defiant “Fine” and went to my room. Next morning they all left for Hawaii without me.

The ceremony was really small, but they all posted loads of pictures on insta and facebook about how perfect and magical that whole week was being. People realized quickly that I wasn’t in any of the photos and asked my parents why to which they replied that unfortunately I had caught Covid before the trip and had to stay behind.

My blood boiled at this, I don’t know why this was the straw that broke the camel back for me, but it was. I decided to take a Covid test and published a picture of myself holding the negative test and captioned it “Not sick at all, just forgotten.” I tagged everyone that had questioned my absence from the trip and the wedding in the picture and, for good measure, also every person invited to it. I also wrote in the comments about how my parents had literally forgotten about anything to do with me until the day before parting and how they actually uninvited me.

Most people were on my side and others couldn’t believe it and thought there must be something more to the story than what I was saying but one thing is for certain, I completely ruined my parents wedding, and their day was overshadowed by my confession. At first I felt quite satisfied with myself for standing up on my own but, after a barrage of messages from my family calling me every name in the book and later, when they came back, them furiously attacking me for my immature actions and my spoiled behavior my pride deflated quickly, and I began to feel awful. I hate my family, and I hate being in this house but I’m a minor and can’t leave just yet. I do feel like I could’ve handled the situation better though and now I feel so depressed that I’m second guessing everything I did, from not speaking up before to the way I exposed them. I also feel guilty for the lack of connection between all of my family and me and maybe I could’ve done more? So Aitah for ruining my parents wedding when they forgot about me?

Some of OOP’s Comments:

Commenter: NTA Can you move in with grandma? Their history of rebuffing you whenever you try to participate with them says this wasn’t a one-off. It’s like they don’t even consider you family. No judge is going to force you back to their house at 17. If you have a place to go, get your things and your documents and go.

OOP: Hi thank you for your comment. I would like to live with my grandma but I am due to start my classes in college soon (I was able to arrange it for a start later on the schoolyear) and my school is in the same city were we live but grandma lives in another state so I would have to drop out to leave. I don’t have any other family here, just friends and I don’t want to be an imposition.

Grandma and other relatives:

OOP: My grandma was not able to attend the actual wedding, she lives in another state and traveling is very difficult for her due to mobility issues so we only see her when we go to my mom’s hometown. I know she saw my fb post and called me to ask how I was doing but I put on a brave face for her and I haven’t called her since but we text. I don’t know if she knows more of the context of what happened or if my parents have told her a different version of the story but she is very sweet to me and has always called out my parents for their favoritism.

I just feel exhausted lately from everything and the last thing I want is to bother her so I haven’t called her again since barely after the wedding.

(to a different commenter): No, my extended family wasn’t there. My grandma has a hard time traveling and my uncles live in t…

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1gjzbgn/new_update_aitah_for_exposing_my_parents_when/

  • @[email protected]MEnglish
    1•8 days ago

    Update Post 2: September 19, 2024 (4 days later, 9 from OG post)

    Hello! Sorry for not having re-updated sooner or commented, as you can imagine if you’ve seen my last posts, it’s been a busy week to say the least. There’s been a lot of people messaging me and commenting on the post and I haven’t had time to answer to no one until today and I’m sorry for that. You all have been so helpful and caring for me and my story and it’s been truly eye opening and terrifying to see how many people have gone through similar stories of neglect and abuse and I just want to thank you all for taking time out of your day to send some kind words to this internet stranger. This update will be long so sorry about that.

    I’m just going to continue where I left off. So my grandma called me to tell me she was coming here to see me and help me out. I was very stressed about it because my grandma has a very hard time traveling so for her to take this trip meant that she would be under enormous stress and I felt responsible for her since I was the one that called her. She arrived early Monday morning with my uncle and I went to get her at the airport. Ngl it was a very intense and emotional moment and as soon as I saw her I ran to her arms and broke down sobbing. I don’t even know if I was able to tell her anything at that moment because of how hard I was crying and I had so many things to say; Thank you for coming, for being so good to me, for having my back, I’m sorry to have made you take this trip, I feel awful at home, I don’t know if my parents love me but I know you do, am I an affair child? I truly was hit with all of this plus the guilt and the anxiety all at once when I saw her but she held me tight in her arms telling me everything was going to be okay. My uncle hugged us as well.

    I don’t know how long we stayed like this but it must’ve been a while until my uncle told me we should get going. We grabbed a cab and went to their hotel. My grandma had teary eyes and I could feel her breathing heavily which scared me but she kept hugging me and smiling all the way. She had reserved a double room so I could stay with her for these days and, once they were settled in and I was more calm, we sat down and I poured everything out for them. The years of neglect and the emotional abuse, how I was feeling miserable after the trip but also for years now, how my parents have been trying to make me feel guilty for all of this that has happened, how I was scared about my future but my n.1 priority at the moment now was to move out of that house even at the expense of my school work, how I have made arrangements to move in with my friend and I was looking for a job, and I told them about this post and how some people thought I might be an affair child and that I was beginning to question that as well.

    It was a lot and I could tell they were both really affected by what I was saying but they kept comforting me and making me feel safe to open up to them. After I unloaded all my concerns with them my grandma reassured me that I had nothing to worry about anymore and that she would be here for me always. First of all she reassured me that I was not an affair child and that both my parents were thrilled when my mother got pregnant with me and that she knew the ultimate deal-breaker for my mom was cheating and she believed it was the same for my father. Apparently the favoritism began showing when I was around 3 to 4 years old when my parents were constantly complaining about having a young kid in the house and they were bothered because they could take my older siblings to their stuff but not me and I was also very shy and a bit of a cry-baby which they had no patience with and made me very different from my siblings.

    She told me that she knew that my parents had saved more than enough for my college (they’re really well-off so that had never been a concern for me until now thinking they might pull the funds away from me for my education.) but that if they tried to not pay for my schooling she would take care of it and that she just wouldn’t let me drop out because of money concerns. She also told me she would help me with rent and an allowance to move out. She was very generous and I thanked her for it all but I also told her that this experience had been eye opening in the sense that I never realized how privileged I had been economically all my life.

    For all their faults my parents have pampered me, money wise, all my life; I went to private school, I have a rather large monthly allowance, I’ve had a card for years now and they have never objected to any of my expenses. Seeing the stories here I realized how good I’ve had it so far and how, being dependable on them all my life, made me so exposed to losing everything, and I want to be independent now, not just from my parents, but from everyone, I feel like I need to learn to stand up on my own. Writing this and having just read all the stories of people in truly awful situations makes me feel like I’ve been a spoiled brat all my life tbh. She insisted on me accepting my help until I don’t needed anymore and I accepted that but I’ll still will look for a job and try to make it out on my own.

    We relaxed for a while in the hotel because we were all exhausted from the morning but in the afternoon we grabbed a cab and went to my house. My parents were extremely surprised to see my grandma and uncle with me when I entered the door but before they could say anything my grandma told me to go pack all my essentials while they talked to them. I rushed upstairs and I could hear my grandma and uncle berating my parents for all that they had put me through. At first I also heard my parents trying to defend themselves but eventually they quiet down. When I came downstairs with two suitcases and my backpack full to the brim with everything important that I had in my room they were all in the living room. My father was beet red and my mother was sobbing like a child and when she saw me she extended her arms on my direction saying she was sorry but I just said “save it” with the coldest tone I could muster and my dad said that I “didn’t have to be jerk” to which both my uncle and grandma told him to shut up. I left the house at that moment and waited for the cab outside.

    In the hotel my grandma reassured me that I wouldn’t have to go back to them and that they told her my college tuition was never in question for them and that they had planned to throw me an extravagant birthday party to make up for the wedding mess and were going to be giving me a car as an apology for everything but my grandma was having none of that bs because it was pretty obvious to her that they were only trying to save face and they were coming up with this things on the fly and that a party and a car would not make up for all that they have put me through. Apparently the moment that broke my mother was when she told her that I had even questioned my paternity and she started crying then but my grandma told her that what else could they expect when they had excluded me repeatedly from all family events since I was a child. She told me that she would make sure they made the payments to my school unless I preferred to completely cut ties with them and have her pay until I can pay myself and I asked her to do that. I felt bad because I feel like it’s not her responsibility but I truly don’t want anything else from my parents anymore and, although my grandma is pretty well-off herself, she’s not as wealthy as my parents, but she reassured me that everything is alright and that everything going to me would be taken away from my mom’s inheritance.

    So the next day we went with my friend, her parents and grandma to the studio where we were planning to move and immediately upon arriving my grandma said “absolutely not”. I knew from pictures that the studio was very very small and dirty but we saw water damage and mold in the bathroom and kitchenette and there was also rust in the little old appliances. I knew all of this beforehand but I figured I could live with that, at least for a while, but the thing that the adults pointed out that actually made me and my friend change our minds was the fact that this studio was street level in a bad neighborhood in a building that didn’t seem particularly safe and had bullet holes on the walls which I didn’t even know what those were until my friend’s dad pointed it out. So grandma and my friend’s parents said they would look for an apartment for us in a better location and they’d help cover the costs. Both my friend and I want to be independent but we realize that with our most likely minimum wage jobs in such a high demand area we won’t be able to find anything better on our own so the plan is we’re going to look for a two bedroom apartment and me and my friend are going to pay what we had previously planned for the studio and her parents and my grandma will cover the difference. I know is still quite spoiled of me to expect that help from my grandma but after seeing the studio in person I truly wouldn’t have felt safe there.

    • @[email protected]MEnglish
      1•8 days ago

      My friend’s parents who were somewhat aware of what I was going through told me that I could move in with them until we find a nice apartment to which I’m extremely grateful since grandma is going back in a couple of days and I’ve been staying in the hotel with her ever since. Apparently my friend, her parents and my grandma spoke about this before coming to me to make sure I had some safe place to stay until we move into the apartment (Which is still to be found). I teared up a little as I thanked them seeing how people were rallying behind me to offer help.

      Since then I’ve been moving some of the stuff I had left at my parents and setting my space in my friend’s. My mom keeps crying and apologizing every time I go back and even my father has said sorry but I remain distant and cold towards them. My sister called and said that our mother was a mess and that I was a d*ck for what I had done but before she could say anything else I hanged up the phone and blocked her. I was going to block my brother as well when I saw that he had sent me a very long message apologizing again and again for all that he has done to me and for not realizing our parents were treating me so poorly. He says he’s been doing a lot of self-reflection on the days since grandma called and realized that he had been in the wrong for assuming I wasn’t on the trip because I wouldn’t want to go and for just allowing my parents to exclude me for all those years. I sent a brief reply thanking him for his words but telling him I need space and I was not ready to accept his apology. I feel like he might be genuine because he has never been nasty to me the way my sister has, just aloof towards me, but I also feel like I need to keep him away for the moment. Also keeping a bridge up with my family feels like the right thing to do right now that everything is so fresh. Maybe in the future he will show me he’s just as nasty as everyone else and I’d block him, but as long as he respects my boundaries I feel better not cutting him off completely.

      I’ve also made an appointment with a therapist who specializes in neglected teens and I have my first preliminary visit next week, again funded by my grandma, which makes me feel ever more eager to find a job ASAP to take the burden off of her even if she tells me time and time again she is happy to do all of this for me.

      That’s were things stand right now. I don’t know if I’ll update again, maybe when I start classes or move to the apartment, but right now I’m just trying to enjoy some time with my grandma and my uncle and learn to grow and get rid of this feelings of guilt and depression that have been plaguing me for so long.

      I want to thank once again all of this community for being so nice and helpful to me and all of you who have messaged me with your own personal stories of getting kicked out or having to learn how to make it on your own at a too early age, you’ve helped me feel a lot less alone and made me realize that things can get better if I work hard for it. I feel kind of spoiled for having such an amazing support system on my grandma, uncles and my friend, but you all guys are right, reaching out has been the absolute best decision I could have taken and opening up about my feelings to those who love me and to all of you internet friends has absolutely saved me so thank you, really I’m more grateful than words can ever tell.

      OOP’s Comments:

      Commenter: I’m curious—when you’ve gone back to collect things, what exactly have your parents been saying?

      OOP: My mother has been crying every time I’ve gone there and just saying I’m sorry over and over again but I haven’t had a conversation with her so she hasn’t mentioned specifics but I also haven’t given her a chance. My father has been mostly silent staring at me whenever I come and go but when he apologized it was more along the lines of “I’m sorry for everything” than bringing any wrongdoing for his part on anything. I don’t know if they are shocked right now by everything that’s happening (I myself feel overwhelmed) and haven’t had time to process or if they don’t think they’ve done anything wrong and are just acting for grandma. I don’t know myself so I can’t really answer.

      Commenter: […] don’t cut off your nose to spite your face in terms of college money. Your parents need to foot that bill in full. Don’t hamper yourself with that expense when they can afford it. It is the very least they can do.

      OOP: My grandma has already told me that it’s unacceptable for me not to go to college (if the reason is that my parents won’t pay) and she won’t allow me to get a student loan either, I asked if she would cosign and she flat out told me no, that she would pay herself rather than see me stressed about the financial aspect of it. I won’t jeopardize my education for my parents but, since I have this option to have my grandma pay, that’s what I’ll do because I rather this money not come from my parents, knowing them they would dangle this fact for the rest of my life like I owed them. I’m very lucky that my grandma will take care of this I feel like I don’t deserve her.

      Commenter: I hope you aren’t feeling guilty for coming from a well off family, OP. You’re not spoiled. You seem more self aware than a lot of people with your same background.

      Working and living a life independent of your family will open up the world to you. I truly don’t think you’re a spoiled rich kid. Working for the things we need and want can create character and teach us so many things i.e., how to handle difficult people and situations professionally, the value of each hour and dollar earned, teamwork, societal structures, and so on.

      I’m glad you have a safety net with your grandma and don’t listen to anyone who would degrade you for that. A lot of us are living hand to mouth and paycheck to paycheck and I absolutely do not wish that on someone just starting out in life.

      If you ever want to update about how things are, I’m definitely going to read it. Thank you for sharing a very difficult time in your life.

      OOP: I do feel, more than guilty angry about my background and how blind I’ve been all my life to all my privileges. This self-awareness that you are talking about I have discovered in the last couple of weeks because, when I first fought with my parents I barely thought about money or how would I sustain myself, that’s always been a given for me (which I guess is nice considering I’m not yet 18) but, after posting here, and seeing messages of people who have had to struggle so much with the financial repercussions of being neglected or cutting out your family or going out to the world at a very young age, made me realize how out of touch with reality I was. I’m angry for all the other redditors who haven’t had the same privileges that I did and I’m angry at myself for being so carefree about money and privileges that I feel most people don’t have. I want to be self-aware to 1. Thank the people who is helping me and appreciate what they’re giving me and 2. In the future I want to be independent and also aware of how hard it is for other people who didn’t grow up in a 5 bed house in an expensive neighborhood with private school and all the other gifts I’ve been given.

      • @[email protected]MEnglish
        1•8 days ago

        *****Update Post 3: October 29, 2024 (5.5 weeks from previous update, 7 weeks from OG post)*****

        Hello everybody! It’s been a while and I’m sorry I didn’t respond to messages or update sooner but I’ve been very busy and I’m also trying to grow away from all that’s happened to me but I’m back with an update on how things are going if anyone is interested to hear.

        To do a recap where I left I moved to my friend’s house after my grandma visited me and we were able to stand up against my neglectful parents. My grandma and uncle left just a couple of days after I published my last update and it was a very emotional moment for us both, for the first time in my life I felt protected and loved with someone of my family. I’m sure throughout my life there must’ve been moments were I didn’t feel so down and alone but that week I spent with grandma I truly felt like someone was in my corner unconditionally and I’ll be forever grateful to her for being there for me.

        After she left back to her home-town I got settled in my friend’s parents home while we looked for an apartment. She was already working as a private tutor for young kids and she helped me get the same job as her so now we are also co-workers :) The job is great and the salary is quite nice for a first job so I was over the moon to be hired.

        We also found an apartment. Is near campus, has two bedrooms and a nice living area and kitchen. It’s not big but it’s clean and in a neighborhood that is primarily college students living in it so it’s quite nice and there’s plenty of cool spaces to hang and meet people. We’re actually just in the process of moving right now and I’m writing this update from my new bedroom.

        I celebrated my 18th birthday a couple of weeks ago and it was great, I went to a restaurant with a few friends and had a nice time. The only “drama” there’s been so far with my parents since the whole debacle is that they showed up in my friend’s home the day of my birthday asking to see me. I wasn’t there at the time but my friend’s dad was and he told me that they were both very apologetic and asked him to get me in contact with them. They left a letter with him in which they basically acknowledge that they have been awful parents but they want to rectify their mistakes and begged me to talk to them.

        Maybe I’m cold for doing what I did next but I decided not to answer them in any way and asked my friend’s dad to tell them to leave if they ever show up, which he respected. A part of me wanted to go to them and try to mend our relationship but I also felt like it had taken all of this effort for me just to show them I exist and how much they’ve hurt me through my life and, if I go back now, I’ll be betraying myself and all the work I’m putting on growing and becoming an independent person.

        After my birthday I had a couple of weeks before we could start moving into the new apartment so I went to visit my grandma at her house. I showed her the many pictures I took of the new apartment, told her all about my new job and the classes I’m about to start after new years, and she was so happy for me. We had a family get together to celebrate my birthday too and my uncles and cousins came to grandma’s were we had a bit of a party. My brother also came.

        I’ve slowly been talking more and more with my brother. Of all my immediate family he is the only one that has never treated me badly and, although he was neglectful towards me, and enjoyed my parents favoritism, he never treated me bad and I feel like he was also a victim of the toxic environment that was our house. I don’t trust him fully but he has apologized very sincerely and, since he lives near me, he wants me to feel like I can rely on him if I ever need something. I do feel safer knowing that I got at least one family member in my city that is worried about me and would help me if needed be.

        I asked him once how my parents were doing and he told me that, ever since I left, he himself has limited a lot contact with them and he blames them for the whole situation whereas my sister insists that I’m being selfish and causing pain on my parents because I’m the problem (not sure how that works.) My parents also seem to have been somewhat ostracized by many of their friends after news of what happened to me got out but according to my brother they are constantly asking for me and are now saying to anyone that might listen that they fucked up and don’t blame me for my actions, but they want to rectify their mistakes. I don’t know if I buy this act and I feel like they know that now the best thing they can do for their reputation is to try and put the ball on my court in regards to reconciliation so that they can look like they’ve done their part.

        I’m now more than ever focused on my future and I don’t really want to think of them. I go to therapy and I’m trying to grow and embrace the love of my new-found support system, my friend, her family, my grandma, my uncles and cousins, and maybe my brother.

        I hope this will be my last update since I want to close this chapter of my life and if I’m ever back here it will probably mean something has happened but I wanted to share the good news with all of you because you truly saved my life in a desperate moment. I was so down those days after the wedding I felt like curling up on my bed and try to disappear but you all helped me pull myself up and face the music and I’m now so much happier than I think I’ve ever been and I’m looking forward to all the wonderful things that are happening in my life so thanks to all of you!