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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-11-06 05:00:11+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Poppy_Blossom_90

My (34 F) boyfriend (34 M) is upset that I’d consider breaking my vegetarianism during a weeklong trip to Japan. How do I navigate this?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Original Post  Sept 16, 2024

My boyfriend is upset that I’d consider breaking my vegetarianism during a weeklong trip to Japan.

I (34 F) have been vegetarian for about 4 years. My boyfriend (34 M) is a meat lover. He is an excellent cook and he loves steak and other types of meat. He’s never asked me to start eating meat. I have never asked him to stop eating meat. I don’t care what he eats; it’s 100% his (and everyone else’s) choice. I don’t talk about being vegetarian, don’t promote it, and I try to figure out my own food if I need to so I don’t inconvenience others. (Sometimes it’s hard to find a restaurant with a vegetarian choice besides a side salad so I’ll do the legwork to find a restaurant everyone will like.)

My choice to be vegetarian hasn’t SEEMED to be an issue or cause any big inconvenience. But maybe I’m wrong. When I went on vacation with my boyfriend’s family for a week, his mom revised her risotto recipe to use veggie broth instead of chicken broth so I could eat it. I didn’t ask; I think my boyfriend suggested it to her. I was really appreciative! When my boyfriend and I went on vacation for a week, we both looked up restaurants that would have a veg option for me. We mostly ate at seafood places because of where we were vacationing, and I managed to find a veggie burger or something like that at most places.

My take: I have a work trip to Japan coming up soon. I told my boyfriend I was considering eating meat during that week so I can fully experience the culture and food. That means sushi, wagyu, ramen, things like that. I’m not sure if I can actually get myself to eat meat during the trip because I think I’ll feel guilty about it (my choice to be veg is because I feel bad for how animals are raised, treated, farmed, and the nature of how they’re usually killed; I know I can get humanely raised meat but I choose to abstain all together). I miss sushi and steak the most, but again, I abstain.

My boyfriend’s take: He is upset that I would consider breaking vegetarianism for this weeklong trip, but I wouldn’t consider breaking vegetarianism to have a steak with him. It makes him feel like he’s not worth it. It makes him feel like the trip and the coworkers I’m going on the trip with are more important than him. I know he bonds over sharing food with people; he likes to cook for other people, and he’s never been able to cook a steak for me and we’ve never been able to share a steak dinner together. We’ve gone to steakhouses before but I just eat whatever else they have. It’s not the same as us both enjoying a steak. He also said that all the effort to accommodate me being vegetarian seems like a waste now (his mom going out of her way to make the risotto without chicken broth, looking up restaurants where I can eat something besides a salad, him cooking stir fry or other dishes and leaving the meat separate on the flat top grill until I serve myself the veggies and then after that he combines it all together with the meat, things like that, me not being able to enjoy the best shrimp he’s ever had on our vacation together.) He was to the point of tears over us not being able to eat a steak together.

I understand it would make him feel bad that I’d consider eating meat on the trip, but I haven’t offered to eat a steak with him.  I feel terrible for making him feel this way and making him feel less important or less worthy. I apologized for this and apologized for making him feel this way. I told him that’s not it, it’s not that he’s not worthy, that this trip is probably once in a lifetime and I’m afraid that if I have a steak here at home with him I’m concerned it’ll become a slippery slope. I told him I don’t want to stop being vegetarian.

How do I navigate this?

EDITING TO ADD:

• When he told me how he felt about this I listened, apologized for making him feel so poorly, and validated him. I understand why he feels bad, and I should have thought about how this might go before I said it (that I’m considering eating meat on the trip) out loud.

• During the conversation I thanked him for telling me how he was feeling and thanked him for telling me how important that would be to him. So I offered to have a steak with him, and I also let him know I don’t want it to become a regular thing because I prefer to stay vegetarian (or “mostly” vegetarian I guess, since having steak with him wouldn’t be vegetarian.)
• I know sharing meals together is important to him. It’s also important to me. What I did not know, however, is that he was so badly wanting to have a steak together where I eat it, too. When he cooks meat I always comment on how good it looks and smells, and he HAS said before, “I wish you could taste this!” In hindsight, that comment from him was probably hinting at him wishing I’d offer to eat a steak with him.
• He hasn’t asked me “hey can you please eat a steak with me tonight” or “would you ever consider eating meat with me or for me?” If he asked me those questions and I said no, and then I said I’m considering eating meat in Japan, that would be a different conversation. I haven’t rejected him that way, but I also haven’t offered to eat steak with him either until this conversation came up.
• I didn’t know this specific thing was something he wanted so badly. I thought because he eats meat as much as he wants and we eat many meals together that he was satisfied in this area.
• We’ve never been to a vegetarian restaurant together. I try to make my vegetarianism as “small” as possible; I don’t want it to be a “thing.” I bring food to his house, I get a side salad or kid’s grilled cheese at restaurants that don’t have any other veg options. I don’t make it a big deal.
• I completely understand why he feels bad. That’s not what this post is about. I’m just wondering how to best move forward. I also just told him I was considering eating meat on that trip without thinking about it first; I didn’t think about how he’d feel (he’d feel slighted), I didn’t think about how I’d feel (I’d feel guilty and anxious about the thought of actually going through with eating meat), etc.
• When we talked about it, I brought up that I’ll have to slowly incorporate meat into my diet leading up to us having a steak together or to going to Japan if I choose to eat meat on that trip. I know that’s a thing.
• Considering how anxious I feel about actually thinking more about going through with eating meat, I think it’s best for me to just not eat meat on the trip. But now I still have to figure out how to address the topic with my boyfriend because now I know he wants me to eat steak with him, and I offered to do that for him.

Thanks for all the feedback, everyone.

Update  Oct 30, 2024

Original post from about 5 weeks ago:

Here’s what happened. This is going to be really long.

During the two weeks leading up to me leaving for Japan, we got into a couple big arguments, and about 5 days before I left he told me he can’t do it anymore. He can’t take all the arguing, he’s exhausted, I don’t take responsibility for the things I’m doing wrong, and all I do is focus on what he’s doing wrong. I don’t talk enough about the things that I need to fix about myself, I don’t talk about my insecurities enough, and  I don’t take enough responsibility for the ways I communicate poorly and how that makes us fight.

A little more context about the arguments:

Argument 1:

We had a talk one Sunday about how I was feeling. He could tell I was down, and I told him I was feeling lonely. He asked how else I’d been feeling lately and I shared that I’ve also been conflicted about some work stuff and some family and friend stuff. We didn’t talk about the loneliness, just about the other things. He went into solution mode and was emotionless about it. It wasn’t what I needed, but I went through that process with him first since he seemed determined to get to the bottom of it. Throughout the discussion, a couple things rubbed me wrong way. First, he told me he doesn’t think I actually feel that way. And second, there was no empathy.

When he was done leading that discussion, he asked me how I feel. I told him poorly. The first thing I shared is that it’s disheartening when he asks me how I feel, I tell him how I feel, and then he replies with “I don’t think you feel that way.” This isn’t the first time this happened. Other times when he’s asked me how I feel or what I think about something, he’s told me: “I don’t believe you.” “I don’t think you feel that way.” “It doesn’t make sense to feel that way.” "I think you feel like that because of xyz [not because of the reason I gave him]. The second thing I shared is that I would have liked him to not only focus on analyzing the situation and to say something empathetic like, "Aw babe, that sucks you feel so lonely. I’m sorry to …

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