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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-11-09 05:01:03+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Nannythrow

Me [21F] with the family I nanny for. The son [13M]'s behavior is starting to creep me out, but I’m not sure if it actually is inappropriate or just a cultural difference.

TRIGGER WARNING: sexual harassment, child neglect, sexism

Original Post  Oct 10, 2016

Hey there, using a throwaway just in case.

So I am from the U.S. and recently moved to Italy to nanny. I feel this is important because so far I have not been able to tell if I’m struggling with a cultural difference here in Italy or if I actually have reason to be weirded out. 

It is easy to tell that the son, Dario, is in middle school, as he is already several inches taller than me and his mom, and has maybe 30lbs on me.

When I first got here, some of the stuff that freaked me out a little I could handle and I chalked it up to being an “Italy” thing. This includes stuff like talking almost exclusively in a “baby” voice when addressing his parents, calling his parents “mommy” and “daddy,” fighting physically with his little sister over who gets to sit on mom & dad’s lap multiple times throughout the day, fighting with the sister over who gets to sleep with the parents, getting extremely upset when mom or dad leaves for the day, and whining about not getting enough kisses or time laying in bed kissing with mom, and having his parents blow on chewed food in his mouth because it’s too hot.

Now I really don’t want to be critical of this if it’s normal here, ya know? But in the U.S. I seriously can’t imagine a single 7th grade boy engaging in any of these behaviors, so it’s really new to me. And really it hadn’t affected me, so I just let it be. The problem is though that now I’m starting to get involved and it’s making me really uncomfortable.

For example, our rooms have adjacent windows which allows the kids to see into my entire room at all times. To me, this is pretty inappropriate (what am I supposed to do when I need to change clothes??) but I also don’t want to seem like I am sexualizing children or accusing them of anything, so I just politely asked for curtains and took to changing in the bathroom. After weeks without curtains the family finally promised me that someone was coming to put them up… well he only put them in the kids’ room. Ever since then I find Dario peeping through the curtains at me multiple times a day. Now I’m sure he is just “checking on me” or curious about what I’m up to, but it makes me SO uncomfortable. I didn’t want to tell the family though because I’m afraid they would think I was accusing their baby of like, trying to spy on me changing so I just took matters into my own hands and hung a blanket up over my window.

Another issue has been when we stay at the kids’ grandparents’ house. There is a room for the parents, with a bed for one child, and a room for me with a bed for one child. I figured we would split up “boys and girls” and I would stay with the daughter, but nighttime rolls around and Dario is crawling into the bed next to mine. I was so uncomfortable I could hardly sleep. I have talked to my friends at home about this and they all think it’s really weird, because we aren’t related and he’s a teenager now! But this is of course an “American” opinion so I can’t tell for sure if we’re imposing our ideas on this family. Again if this is really a cultural thing though, I don’t know how to tell the family that where I am from, it’s kind of inappropriate for a boy so old to be sleeping next to me (especially when he’s been spying on me lately!) without causing issues.

Of course these behaviors affectother aspects of our life as well as it is hard to get Dario to do ANYTHING because he usually claims it’s “too hard” to do (making a bed at 13? too hard? are you kidding?!) and I often find myself wanting to tell him to grow up. What I need help with is knowing whether he does need to grow up or if all this behavior is normal here and I am the crazy American that needs to adjust. Is this behavior normal for a 12 year old, or is it immature? I feel like the parents still really see him as a young child, and usually he acts like it, but for the most part it seems like he plays up the baby act because he knows it makes his parents cater to him more. If this all is abnormal, does anyone have any suggestions about how to bring this up to the family?

EDIT: Just want to clarify that at the grandparents’ house there are two beds, and they are next to each other. Dario was not in MY bed but in the bed next to mine.     —     tl;dr: I nanny for a boy [13M] whose behavior makes me uncomfortable. I’m not sure if he is actually being inappropriate or if there is just a large cultural difference between my home country and this country.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

TheFreaky

It’s normal behavior for a spoiled 13 year old. Of course most adolescents would want to peek at you through the courtains. The problem is the parents, they have to stop that shit right now. Don’t you have authority as a nanny to scold him?

I’m spanish, we have a very similar culture to Italy, and that shit is inappropiate. The parents are educating a horrible child that will grow up to be an asshole that thinks the world should cater to him.

OOP

Oh my goodness the relief I am feeling right now to know that this isn’t normal!

So far I have not particularly felt like I have much authority because the times I would scold him, the parents are sitting right there, and how can I reprimand him in front of his own parents?

I didn’t include this in the post but he is already showing major signs of being an asshole. He is always so rude, critical, and ungrateful. Every meal I make he has something to insult about it, he treats his little sister like SHIT even though she is a doll and often acts more mature than him, and he LOVES ordering me around and telling me what I’m doing wrong. It drives me up the wall.

~

B186

We’ve established this kid’s behavior is weird. But wtf at the parents responding to your request for privacy/curtains by giving them to the child?

OOP

I have no clue… they’ve been really weird about some stuff. Like (this is TMI) but the mom KNEW I was on my period because I had to ask her where to buy tampons here and we get to the house and there’s no trashcan in the bathroom or in my room! I asked for one multiple times and she said she would get one and never did, and when I asked last she said “well the kids have a trashcan in there room if you need it” like WTF are you not an adult woman? Do you not understand how this works?

DO the parents discipline the kids

I asked about discipline when I interviewed and they said they “don’t really have to discipline” the kids… I should’ve taken it as a warning sign. Honestly the mom is VERY strict about some stuff, so they’re very good in certain areas that she deems important (etiquette, cleanliness) but when Dario picks on the daughter they just let the kids yell and scream and cry until I step in. They also seem to encourage many of Dario’s rude comments because technically he does word them “politely.”

For example I will bust my ass making a meal for the whole family (to be kind and helpful, it is not in my job description) and Dario will eat 4 plates of it and then say “I’m sorry but why would you cook this like that?” And I’ll say “that’s how we cook it in the US” and he’ll say “well I didn’t like it. The Italian way is much better” and then put his plate on mine for me to take it to the kitchen and leave. No “thanks for cooking” no “but I did like this part!” Just insult, clean my plate, bye. He loves to criticize.

Is the child autistic?

I thought about the autism initially but I’m fairly certain it isn’t that because when his parents are gone the “baby” act completely turns off and he acts like any other teenager (albeit manipulative and critical) I have ever known (and I have worked in childcare, int he classroom, and as a coach for years now.)

Update  Feb 6, 2017 (4 months later)

Hi all! I’m back (yeesh how long has it been) 3-4 months later with an update. Long story short: I quit.

Here’s the long version for those interested.

The curtain issue: Like I said in my last post I had just hung a blanket for privacy and since then there have been no peeping issues. I asked 2 more times for curtains and was reassured both times that the curtain man would come to hang them in my room. He did come back once and hung more curtains in the kids’ room, but again not in mine. Then I was told that they didn’t like him and would be finding another curtain guy to hang my curtains. It’s been 4 months, no more mention of it, I still use the blanket.

The vacation issue: I have simply refused to go on vacation with them. I’m off on weekends and I’ve reached a point where I just refuse to be home for the entire weekend and manage not to see them from Friday night until Monday morning if I can help it. I go on weekend trips, crash on couches, sneak into my room when they’re eating… things like …

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