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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/CultureInner3316 on 2024-11-09 23:53:25+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Weekly_Size_407

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Trigger words: Cheating

Original Post - Oct 20, 2024

I don’t understand why I’m in this situation and honestly I’m frustrated because even MY own family tells me I’m the bad one here, I just need to vent and I don’t need any advice or somebody telling me “Do this” “I think you should tell her this” or “I would write her this or this”.

More than 17 years ago my ex-husband cheated on me with a woman I didn’t know but she knew me. He left me for her, our only daughter was a baby and I just moved on with my life. I’m never going to fight for a man who makes immature decisions without first thinking about the consequences.

He married that woman, I went on with my life preferring to have a healthy co-parenting for my daughter. He never showed remorse and he had even told me that ours was always a mistake and that woman was the love of his life, that helped me to realize that he’s a total dick and I don’t need a man like that in my life.

Now, he cheated on her and for some reason this woman who always had a really cold and distant relationship with me is insisting in trying to talk with me everyday. I found out about the infidelity from my daughter who wasn’t affected by that so I didn’t think too much about it, the only thing that worried me was to know if he was going to be able to continue having our daughter at his house on weekends as always.

But his wife started sending me messages explaining what happened when I never asked her that and in the past I only spoke to her if her husband didn’t answer my texts to ask something about my daughter.

It’s obvious that she needs to talk about it, it doesn’t matter if I answer dryly because she sends me long audios talking about it anyway. I mean, I understand that she needs to talk about her husband’s infidelity and blah, but why me? I don’t want to be rude but I don’t care how she or he feels.

In one of her audios she says “You know how I feel now”… Like, I guess? But that was 17 years ago, It’s not the same.

And If I’m being 100% honest, she can’t compare herself to me at all; a woman who has just given birth to whom her husband tells her that he has been cheating on her for long time with another woman who is not boring in bed and does know how to value him VS a woman who always knew that her husband is unfaithful and decided to marry him anyway.

Anyway, I’ve tried to ignore her as much as I can, but even when I talked to my family or friends about this, almost all of them told me things like: “Oh, but she must feel lonely”, “but she wasn’t to blame for being the other one”, “I think you should be more empathetic”, “We all need someone to talk to” or my favorite one: “She’s not to blame for him being a cheater, you should understand her because she needs help”

I understand that she is not to blame and he’s the cheater, but SHE a totally ADULT woman at that time decided to marry a man she knew was sleeping with her while his wife was pregnant, so why should I now carry the weight of helping her when she never helped me by telling me ‘Hey, your husband slept with me and that’s really shitty because he’s married with you’? Or that’s what I’d do if a married man flirted with me.

Now: If she didn’t do any of that, then why is it my duty as a feminist to force myself to be her friend? It doesn’t make sense and the worst thing is that almost all the women around me tells me that I should help her and be her ear when I don’t want or feel empathy for her or for him.

I think she and he knew very well what they were getting into, I don’t understand why I should be her free therapist now. Being cheated on is not my whole personality! I don’t need to talk about that 24/7 with her. I just chose to ignore her and that’s what I’m going to continue doing because I just don’t care how she feels even if I’m a bad feminist for not feeling empathy.

Sorry, my first lenguage is Spanish and I Wrote everything pretty annoyed.

Edit: No, I can’t block her because she’s still living with him and I need to have her contact in case of an emergency with my daughter.

And honestly it’s weird to have so many comments and even private messages from people wanting to tell me what I should send to her and even writing what I feel. I’m sorry but there’s no way I’m going to use the message of a stranger who doesn’t knows me how I feel or the whole situation to say something to someone. I feel like a lot of people in the comments are reflecting their own traumas.

Update - Nov 2, 2024 (13 days later)

Hi, it’s been a while since I posted And I just wanted to give a little update for people who were worried.

First of all; My mother was a lover for a long time when I was a teenager + during my adulthood. Their relationship lasted LONG years until he died, I think his wife never found about his affair.

That’s why my mom manipulates me so much into not judging my ex’s wife because “no one chooses who to fall in love with.” My mother always reflected herself on that woman and that’s why she said that my ex-husband and his lover (now wife) are soulmates and I shouldn’t get in the way.

I was very young, at the time I could only lean on my mother for a little support and well, narcissists always catch vulnerable people. Nowadays I don’t have much contact with her but my daughter spends time with my family.

And about my friends, well, I am a feminist activist and opinions regarding lovers are divided because most of them are in the liberal side. Most of the times is seen as something misogynistic to judge them because “they are single women and the man is the one we should blame” + “we need to be sororas with other girls” so I expected that reaction from most of them, I agree with that in most cases but not in this one. I can feel empathy when the woman did not know or when she is a minor being goomed but in this case I do not feel any pity because she knew well what she was doing, women can also be mean and cruel. Women can also choose to be the bad guys in the story without someone manipulating us, because we are not weak and my ex’s wife is that kind of woman. No one manipulated her into doing anything.

I’m sorry, that explanation was perhaps unnecessary but there were people who didn’t understand my family’s and friends behavior and honestly it feels good to vent.

I have spoken with my ex’s wife because honestly a few days ago I had a really stressful day and the last thing I needed was to see her messages in my WhatsApp so I just exploded, I planned to continue ignoring her but that day I was upset about things about my work and I ended up telling her everything.

I sent her an audio telling her that I am not interested in her life or in the fact she’s suffering. I told her that I am not her friend nor am I interested in being one, she never asked me for forgiveness and now she expects me to start the group of women cheated on by my ex.

I told her other things and I would love to be able to post audios here, I told her that she knew very well what she got herself into, she knew well that my ex was capable of cheating on the mother of his baby but she still decided to marry him and live the stupid fantasy that she could change him and that she was different from all the other women he was with. God, I hate long audios but it was +5 whole minutes telling her that her situation and mine are nothing alike, I think that was my greatest catharsis.

She got upset and we started arguing, it was quite tiring and the last thing I want is to have problems after 17 years of having normal co-parenting.

I know they are not going to get divorced and that means I will have to live with her in my life forever so I sent a message to my ex re-sending him one of the audios she sent me, I took the work to listen to them all and she never apologized to me (I don’t need her apologies, btw. I’m don’t care but some comments asked me about that), they were just audios complaining and wanting us both to speak badly about him or wanting to have me as her free therapist.

I told my ex to tell his wife to calm down and pay for a psychologist. He apologized to me and told me that they are both working on the marriage so they are at the stage where she still feels angry and insecure with him (like… Yes? Obviously! Idiot) So since I suffered the same (no, it’s not the same) she felt that we could share the pain. He told me that they both started going to the online conferences of I don’t know what couple who teach how to “get over an infidelity”, sometimes I feel envious of people who can scam others so easily, anyway.

I told him that I am not friends with her and that this affects our co-parenting so he should put a stop to her if she doesn’t understand what I say. In the end he reluctantly told me he was going to talk to her and I’ve gone three days without any message from her (Except today one where she just told me that my daughter was sleeping there) so I guess it worked.

I don’t care if they live a happy or miserable marriage, I don’t care if she’s happy knowing that he cheated on her but stays with…

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