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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2024-11-15 05:29:31+00:00.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is Complex_Life9849. She posted in r/Marriage

Thanks to u/diddyk2810 for the rec!

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Mood Spoiler: happier ending

Original Post: October 22, 2024

My (30F) best friend (29F) just recently lost her husband, home, car, and all income. Her husband suddenly passed and was the only one working while she stayed at home with her 1yo twins and 4yo.

They had nowhere to go, so we took them in until she can save up enough to get an apartment. There was no life insurance.

My husband isn’t happy that they are here. He has told me that he does not like my friend at all, that she has taken me away from him and has taken his home away. He is paranoid that she is stealing our things when we aren’t home and wants to put locks on our bedroom and office doors, as well as put cameras in them.

Today my friend went into our room to smoke a cigarette on our patio to take a second away from her kids when we weren’t home. She called me to tell me that she was going onto our patio, and my husband started freaking out. Now he says he feels like he needs to get an apartment, that he doesn’t feel safe, he doesn’t have a place in our home that they don’t have access to.

It breaks my heart that he hates my friend so much when she hasn’t done anything, she’s just going through one of the toughest times in her life. But I don’t know if I am being too trusting of my friend and inconsiderate of his feelings, or if he is being too paranoid.

Some of OOP’s Comments:

Commenter: I think there needs to be discussion of a timeline for when she is leaving. he agreed to take her in in the short term. (at least that is the impression I got reading this). So he needs to chill a bit a about them living in his space. That being said, suddenly having another woman he doesn’t like and 3 kids in the house is understandably not awesome. I think the solution is to set a timeline for when she is leaving. help her find a place, as her friend, but stick to the timeline.

OOP: (downvoted) The agreement was a “medium term” stay - 8 months to get her kids into daycare, get a job, save up for a car and home. I do think it was a mistake to not have a solid move out date set for her. Definitely time to set that. She’s only been here for a month now.

OOP answers some questions:

I agree that she should not have gone into our bedroom while we weren’t home and I need to re establish these boundaries with her immediately. I have no problem with him putting the cameras and locks up if this makes him feel better, even though I will be talking with her. I don’t have the option to be too afraid to talk to her, my husband is my priority over her feelings.

Daycare/job:

She is waiting to get approved for government daycare assistance but yes, she is actively looking for work and daycare. She’s only been with us for 1 month.

The office door is always locked and she has not gone in there at all, and she has not gone into our bedroom besides that one time. I guess that I’m aware of.

Commenter: If you are in the United States the children would be eligible for Social Security benefits. You should encourage your friend to apply for those if she hasn’t already. Your friend and her children may also qualify for Medicaid health benefits too.

OOP: She has been applying for everything possible, I will make sure she also has applied for these. Thank you!

Commenter: This OP: how long are they already in your home? Who is paying for food, diapers and the very important cigarettes?

Are you so sure your husband is not right and she is snooping everywhere where she should not snoop… when you live with friends you get to know them… why do you not let your husband put up camera’s? Are you afraid he is right and do you not want to stand up against your friend/for your husband? And if your husband is wrong he wil be reassured.

Look it is a lousy situation for your friend to be in, but this is bc of choices her husband and she made… she has to get her shit together ASAP for her kids sake… there is leaning on someone and taking advantage of someone…

OOP: She has been here for 1 month now. She is getting government assistance for food and diapers. We have a stash of cigarettes we’ve been giving her because we don’t smoke and a common gift from my husband’s family when they visit from overseas are cigarettes.

I have known this woman for 15 years, and I wouldn’t for a second think she would steal from us. There is no way for me to know 100% unless we put cameras up, which we will be doing. We already have cameras in the front yard, back yard, and living room.

It’s not that I’m not letting him, I did think it was just a bit excessive. We can put locks and cameras up. I disagree on this situation being her fault, but I 100% agree she needs to get her life together for her and the kids. But it takes more than 1 month to do that

Commenter: Not to mention that her [OOP’s] husband is Chinese - which means other culture, other way of dealing with things (they are known to be very reserved comparing to Occidental people).

And, from OP’s post history, it seems that their home is a constant shelter for any friend of hers. I’d be freaking out too if I had gotten married and ended up running a shelter for people, not being able to be with my family - and my family only - for some time. And we’re not even talking about all the other issues here (who’s paying the bills, who’s buying food for all of them, how even your very own bedroom is all of a sudden occupied by someone else…).

OP has to make a choice. Does she really want to be married? It seems to be the female version of the “my husband got married but is still behaving like he’s single” story.

OOP: Yes, he is Chinese. Our home has not been a constant shelter, although I do need to be better at saying no to my friends in need. She is the second person to stay with us. The first friend was a disaster, and I won’t make that mistake again. He was 100% on board with helping my current friend out. Her situation is heartbreaking, especially for her children. We did not want them to be homeless. There are a lot of details about their story that is just so fcking sad. She has no bills and she gets government assistance for food and diapers. Our room and the office are off limits, and I will be re establishing these rules and boundaries today. She cannot and will not be allowed to do what she did again.

I disagree that I am acting single. We both agreed to help a family in need. But it’s hard and I am realizing I need to be more firm with her. But I cannot read the mind of someone who tells me there is no problem until 1 month in.

Commenter: It’s his home too. Was he even part of the decision?

She needs to find her own place. She can’t stay with you forever.

OOP: We discussed the decision for a few weeks before letting her move in. We were both 100% on the same page at first, until now. It’s obvious that she cannot stay forever. She has only been here for 1 month.

To another commenter:

He was at first. We were both kind of excited to have the kids here, since we have been trying for children for over a year. We discussed her moving in extensively before allowing her to, and he was 100% on board.

To a third commenter asking if he had a say:

He did, he’s the one that originally brought it up. 🩷

Commenter: Why is she not staying with family?

OOP: She has no reliable family. Honestly it breaks my heart that absolutely no one on her side OR her husbands family has helped or even reached out in their own. I’ve known her for 15 years and it’s always been that way. She was staying with her grandparents in another state for a few months, but they are elderly with a lot of health problems and it became too much for them to handle in a 2 bedroom condo.

To another commenter:

Her family is…horrible. Her mother was in prison when she graduated high school, and her father kicked her out at 17 for not dropping out of school to care for his new child. It’s very sad.

His family:

They were no contact with his family even before he passed, unfortunately.

She’s taking advantage of you:

She is not taking us for granted at all. She keeps the house clean, cleans up after herself and her children, has assistance for groceries and diapers, waiting to get approved for other assistance. This is the only problem we’ve had with her in the month she’s been here. Her situation is heartbreaking especially for her 3 children. If it was just her we would have said no. My husband and I were on the same page with letting her stay. We agreed to 8 months, but I do agree that we need to set a specific move out date

Commenter: Did you agree with your husband for her to stay for 8 months? Why save to get a car? She needs deposit for house rental… she doesn’t have a job. Who wil…

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