My [23F] best friend [26F] of 10+ year's boyfriend [26M] of three years has admitted to having strong feelings for me. Previously, best friend has told me if anything like this happened she wouldn't want to know. Need help (long)
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**I am not The OOP, OOP is u/adviceeneeded** **My [23F] best friend [26F] of 10+ year's boyfriend [26M] of three years has admitted to having...
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Original Title: My [23F] best friend [26F] of 10+ year’s boyfriend [26M] of three years has admitted to having strong feelings for me. Previously, best friend has told me if anything like this happened she wouldn’t want to know. Need help (long)

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/adviceeneeded

My [23F] best friend [26F] of 10+ year’s boyfriend [26M] of three years has admitted to having strong feelings for me. Previously, best friend has told me if anything like this happened she wouldn’t want to know. Need help.

TRIGGER WARNING: Harassment, obsessive behaviour, emotional infidelity

Original Post  Sept 11, 2016

Copy of the post

Oh boy, Reddit. Oh boy. I totally vented and rambled. Much needed Tl;dr at the bottom.

So, my best friend and I have known each other forever, and I love her with all my heart. We’re extremely open and honest with each other, about as close as two people can be without being romantically involved, though it’s a running joke that we’re ‘wives’. Because of this (and because of her meticulous nature), we’ve previously run over random scenarios and what we’d like the other person to do in said scenario.

Things like if a guy asked one of us out via the other one, if we both got feelings for the same person, even things like if the other one died. One of these was the dreaded ‘if I had a boyfriend and he had feelings for you’ scenario. The potential for this to happen has come up a few times in conversation over the years in varying degrees of seriousness, and while we agreed that it’d be awful and sucky, we didn’t agree on what we would want to know in the situation. I would always, under any circumstances, want to know, and she wouldn’t. She has been adamant about this every time it comes up, and no matter what question I hit her with or alteration to the scenario she always made it 100% clear that she would never want to know.

About 3 years back, she starts dating Guy. He’s been around, he’s kind of one of those ‘extended’ members of our group, so we both know him and I’d never thought much about him other than that he seems cool, nice, etc. Because of his proximity to her he joins the rest of our friends group and he hits it off with all of us. The boys love him, the gals are happy for Best Friend because he’s genuinely perfect for her. And most importantly, she is over the moon. All she’s ever wanted is to be in love, it’s a dream of hers, he treats her (and other people in general) with the upmost respect. Him and I get along well. We don’t hang out the two of us, but we’ll chat a bit (very basic stuff about music, our jobs, etc) and hang out the three of us. He had this small talk with some of our other friends too, and I always thought it was great because he was taking an interest in her life and the people around her.

I’ve always been a bit of the odd one out in my group of friends. I was put up a few years in school, and because of that all my friends are just a little older than me and I’ve been the ‘baby’ of the friends group my whole life (most of us went from High School to the same University). I’ve also always had a general disinterest in dating. I’ve had interest from guys, but I’m a bit of a day-dreamer, obsessed with my chosen field, and my future plans do not involve children and perhaps not even marriage. The idea of love always appealed to me, but I’ve just always been happy within myself and never in any kind of rush.

Because of this, there was a running joke in our friends group about me dying alone surrounded by nothing but dogs, etc. Harmless fun, and Guy joins in on these jokes as well over time. I noticed as he became closer to the group, he always seemed very interested in my love life, and encouraged me to pursue my dreams and take my time. Best Friend always did the same. I never thought much of it. Until…

About four months ago, I met a guy [25M] who completely sweeps me off my feet (we’ll call him Max, because that’s his name). Totally unexpected, just swooped in and we’ve had a very charming, fairy-tale like romance. Because of my inexperience in relationships, I’ve spent a lot of time talking to Best Friend about all the Feelings I’ve been having, etc. She’s happy for me, gives me advice, yada yada, Guy is in the same room when this is happening a lot of the time, so sometimes gives his input. Everything is perfect and awesome.

But then Guy starts acting weird. We’d be having drinks as a group and I’d be telling a story involving Max and he’d suddenly get really weird. He’d be ‘warning’ me, telling me completely normal stuff Max does is red flaggish. Max spontaneously showed up to take me out on a date star-gazing late at night (I love surprises, and I study/work in Astronomy) and Guy is going on about how dangerous it was for me to go alone, blah blah. Guy has always been friendly, supportive, nice to and about everyone. So much so that Best Friend starts to doubt Max and his intentions purely because Guy is “a great judge of character”, while all my other friends think Max sound great and laugh Guy off as bizarre.

During this time, Guy reveals to me he’s going to ask Best Friend to marry him. Hurray! Totally awesome. Have to keep it a secret for now, but I’m really pumped for them! He told me so he could get advice on the ring, and how she’d like to be proposed too. All good.

It finally reached the tipping point when Max met my friends, and they all really liked him. Everyone seems to be getting along and Max and Guy are chatting to aside. Suddenly, Guy just puts his glass down hard on the table and storms out of the bar. Best Friend is all “what?” and goes after him, and I go over to Max to see whats up. Max looks super shocked. He tells me Guy was doing a bit of the ‘big brother’ routine which he did get from a few of the guys in the group. Max said from most of the others it was playful banter type stuff, but Guy was a lot more serious. The point where he got up and stormed out was because Max had been talking about how serious he was about me (d’awh), no one had to worry, he would never dream of hurting me, etc. Later on, Max suggested maybe Guy was jealous or something, but I was pretty disbelieving of that. I cannot stress enough that Guy has never done, or said, anything that ever seemed like he had feelings for me. He’s treated me the same as anyone else in our friends group, the only difference being he’s gotten to know me more because I spend a lot of time at Best Friend and his’ place.

Deciding I had enough, I messaged Guy. First, I asked him if he was okay, then I went on to say that I hoped everything was cool between us all.

The following conversation reads:

Him: It’s not cool. I don’t trust that guy.

Me: Do you mind if I ask why not in specifics? No one else got bad vibes. _____ & _____ even invited him to the beach tmrow.

Him: He looks at you funny I can’t explain it properly. You’ve known me a while, you know I have your best interests at heart, trust me on this.

Me: I understand that you can’t help it if you get bad vibes, but no one else does, I’m sorry but I’d need more than ‘trust me’ to go on. Regardless, while I appreciate your concern I’m capable of making my own mistakes (and I do not think this is one). It’d really mean a lot to me if you could try and get along with him to make it easier to fit in. I plan on keeping him around for a while, and Best Friend wants to do double dates and stuff so you’re going to run into him eventually.

Him: 1. double dates sounds lame. 2. even if they it didn’t, I don’t want him to come.

Me: 1. Take that up with your lady, 2. Do you really not like him THAT much?

Him: Okay, he seems all right but kind of weird. how can a theatre kid be so alpha? It’s more that I’m jealous.

Me: I resent the notion that theatre guys can’t be manly, but also, Ik the group is really tight, but everyone really likes you, you’ve been one of us for years now. Max got a lot of attention tonight bc he’s the new guy. I’m sorry if you felt excluded, but I promise it’s really not like that.

(He didn’t reply for a while, and then sent this)

Him: Not of that. I’ve been thinking very carefully about how to phrase this message. I don’t want you to think I don’t love Best Friend, because I do. Very much. But… I am also in love with you, and have been for about two years. When I realised I thought about breaking up with Best Friend, but you were always so in your own world I thought I’d never have a shot anyway especially if I was your BFF’s ex. I pushed it down. Lived with it. It was hard, it sucked. I got over it, kind of. I thought that if I couldn’t be with you then at least I could have happiness with Best Friend and be near you. Then, you met Max, and watching you start to fall in love with him is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. I know this is cliche and dramatic, I know it’s fucked and I should just not say any of it, but I literally feel sick when you talk about him. I cannot tell you how much I wanted to hit the guy last night, and then how bad I felt about it when I realised he was actually a decent guy. I think the only thing worse than you being with another guy is you being with anoth…

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1groumo/my_23f_best_friend_26f_of_10_years_boyfriend_26m/

  • @[email protected]MEnglish
    1•3 hours ago

    Update Sept 16, 2016 (5 days later)

    Copy of the post

    Sorry, this’ll probably get long! (it does)

    SO, there were lots of conflicting opinions on what to do, and a lot of you had really good reasons behind those - however, there were consensus’ which seemed to be that 1. This sucks and there’s no ideal solution, and 2. Everyone seemed on board with the letter idea which was suggested by a few people.

    The gist of it was that I should write a letter and put the screen caps, etc I took into it, and then offer the information to her again. That way, she would have some more agency to choose whether or not she wanted to know. I have to say letting her know there was something to know kind of felt like I was forcing her to choose to open it, but… well, here’s what happened:

    I made the envelope and went to her place while Guy was working just to hang out, pretty usual stuff. Reddit, I’m not a terrible actress but this woman knows me so well. She opened the door to let me in and immediately asked what was wrong, and to my ever lasting shame I immediately burst into tears. Super pathetic of me, and not ideal. Urgh.

    After I’d composed myself I started saying what I’d been practicing in my head. Pretty much, that there was something we’d talked about a lot in our scenarios that had happened, and she had always said she wouldn’t want to know, but I wanted to give her the option. I gave her the letter.

    Then without even opening it she also started to cry, which made me start up again, which was kind of okay because the ridiculousness of us both just standing in her living room sobbing all over each other made us laugh a little bit.

    A lot of people had guessed she had noticed or had some kind of idea of Guy’s feelings, and they were absolutely right. But it’s weirder than even that. I genuinely can’t believe I’m explaining this, it’s just… weird. I don’t know.

    Best Friend had thought Guy had a harmless little crush on me. The kind people in relationships just get sometimes. But when he didn’t talk to her about it she started to feel uncomfortable, and she did something she shouldn’t have, but you know how it goes. She snooped. She snooped on his laptop months ago, and found a file with my initials on it buried amongst a bunch of other stuff. She went and got his laptop and gave it to me to read while she read my letter.

    Inside it were stories he had written, like fanfiction? about the three of us living like a kind of poly relationship lifestyle where we were his wives? Some of it was sexual stuff which… you know, I think I could understand it better if it had just been sexual fantasies, but there were also really long documents about our lives together. And it goes deep too, there was a whole plot line about him trying to convince me to have kids (love them, but I’m childfree and everyone around me knows it)?? There were loads of stories, all different lengths, I didn’t read all of it, just kind of like skim read them with my mouth hanging open. It’s so hard to explain, it was really bizarre to read about myself like that. There were newer documents Best Friend hadn’t read, too.

    Best Friend goes on to tell me that she hadn’t minded because she was in all the stories as well, so she’s reassured in his love for her, but obviously me being part of their life in that way isn’t her ideal and she was disturbed by the way he’d spoken to me in the messages from the other day (and the ones he’s sent since). I asked her loads of questions, including if she felt safe, and she said she does. I asked her what she wanted to do, and she said she wanted to leave him.

    She also apologised for not telling me, and while it doesn’t sit well with me that she didn’t, because of what happened after this, I’ve basically forgiven her/put any talk of that on hold. She doesn’t need that now, and I’ve been so relieved she wasn’t mad at me for bursting her bubble, and concerned for her, that it seems very secondary.

    Of all the things I expected to happen during my visit, it was none of that. So then the conversation switched to me being worried about her safety because while he doesn’t seem dangerous this is very obsessive, and he’s clearly been upset by his fantasy becoming further from reality with Max in the picture, and now this. (I’m a little anxious about Max’s safety, too. I can’t tell if I’m being reasonable or paranoid). She assured me ten fold that she feels completely safe, he’s never done anything other than this that’s red flaggish, but that she still wants to leave, and she’s very cautious by nature so she’s taking some precautions.

    She got up and went to pack her bags, and started giving me typical her, business like instructions on the things she wanted me to grab from around the house. She filled up her suit cases, and I filled up a box of her personal stuff. Then, she wrote a note for Guy explaining that she didn’t think they should be together anymore, and she would only talk with him about it over messages or in person a few days from now (in a public place, she assured me).

    So, this is when I did something I maybe shouldn’t have, I don’t know. I carry a pen drive on my key chain. I told her that I wanted to take copies of the stories because if anything happens, even if she doesn’t think it will, it’s important that there’s something we can use to prove his obsessive behaviour. She said fine, so I now have a pen drive full of fanfiction (and playlists?!) about myself, my best friend and her ex. I’m not going to lie and say I’m not tempted to read them. Sheer morbid curiosity. But I’ve resisted so far.

    We went to my place first while we thought of what to do next, and her emotions were understandably all over the place. After I got a call from Max and filled him in he said to come stay with him since Guy doesn’t know where he lives. Best Friend preferred to stay at a nearby hotel, which we used my card to pay for, and after I hovered over her anxiously as she settled in she eventually said she wanted to be alone (which isn’t unusual for her when she’s upset). I’ve been to visit her and she’s been sending me messages the whole time, so I’m feeling pretty confident about where her head’s at (sad, but coping well considering) but still just general worriedness. I’m staying with Max until things settle down.

    I’ve gotten (and am still getting) messages from Guy. I have been since about 5pm that night, and it’s been two nights since since then. They’re very “I just want to talk” messages. Not aggressive or anything like that, I was going to block him on everything but Best Friend asked me not to because she’s worried about his mental state.

    As a side note: I’m not bashing poly relationships by any means in this post. That is most definitely not the thing about this I find weird and bizarre. You do you.

    tl;dr: I gave her the option of the letter. Turns out Best Friend knew the whole time because she snooped on Guy’s laptop months ago and found loads of stories he wrote of the three of us living some kind of fictional paradise where we’re his wives (I know, what?). She doesn’t feel unsafe but decided to leave him, and because of the weirdness of the situation she’s taking the appropriate precautions. I put her up at a hotel using my card because she’s not sure what Guy has access to, etc. - she seems as good as can be expected, wants to be alone but is still talking to me over messenger about everything.

    I’m staying at Maxs just in case. Guy is trying to talk to me and to her, but the only responses he’s gotten are to read the note she left him again.

    Lastly, thank you so much to the people who commented, especially the ones who wrote a lot and gave me such good advice and just sent general good feelings my way. or PM’d me. You guys were amazing. I’m super grateful for all the

    • @[email protected]MEnglish
      1•3 hours ago

      RELEVANT COMMENTS

      OOP shares a little about the fanfic

      OOP

      I had a lapse and checked one of the playlists, but then I saw that that new pop song with the Jonas Brother guy was on it and immediatley closed it. I don’t want to ruin any of the songs I like by being reminded when they come on the radio. Is it weird that I feel more embarrassed for Guy than I feel crept out?

      I think I cringed so hard at one of the parts I read that I made an entirely new facial expression.

      It was something like (gah I’m cringing even now remembering it) him waking up one morning and walking into ‘our’ living room, and story-me (wtf) runs up to him and throws her arms around him and then they make breakfast together. I stopped reading when it started getting sexual

      ~

      OOP

      It’s this combined with his aggressive behaviour towards Max, and the hourly messages I’m getting that lead me to call him obsessive. Also - these documents aren’t little stories, there aren’t a few of them. The biggest document is 50,000+ words. There are 22 documents in all, though three of them are lists of random stuff. He’s also been writing them for over a year.

      I’m sorry if it hurt your feelings that me (and other people in the thread) are calling it obsessive. It’s natural to get heavily invested when you really fall for someone you can’t be with, and to do things like draw them, think about them a lot, etc. However, there comes a point where it becomes unhealthy.

      Besides that, if you read my comments you’ll notice I say multiple times that I’m sure he wrote them because they’re fantasies no one was supposed to see, and that I feel bad for him more than anything else

      1 year later OOP commented on another post similar to her own posts

      dragonfliesloveme

      So I went back and read your link. What happened, did Guy just slink away? The more I read, the more unhinged he seemed, I hope your friend came out of that on her feet.

      OOP

      He didn’t, actually. It’s over now, but there was some more drama not long after my posts, but you’re generally only allowed one update post and there wasn’t much more advice I could get, haha. I’m happy to PM you (and copy/paste the message to anyone else) to tell you what happened, if you’d like to know.

      It’s a bit of a rabbit hole, I know, but I feel like posting it here would be a bit rude to OP or possibly against the rules since there was police involvement. I will say that everyone is fine, though! It’s been a while since then. It’s still strange to think back on it.

      THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

      DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP’s OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7