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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2025-01-27 05:04:02+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/PurpleWo1

WIBITA for not wanting to participate in my family’s “one gift swap” Christmas idea?

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

BoRU 1

TRIGGER WARNING: controlling behavior, PTSD, favoritism

Original Post  Nov 2, 2024

So, last night, I (22M) went with my mom to visit my brother, Leaf (27M), at his apartment. My other brother, Dax (24M), was also there. We were hanging out, eating, and just catching up since it’s rare we’re all free at the same time.

Christmas is going to be weird this year because for the first time, we’re not all spending it together. Dax is spending the holiday with his in-laws, wife, and kids, and Leaf is doing the same. I’ll be with my mom, stepdad, my partner, and grandma. We’re planning to get together sometime after Christmas so we can all see each other, but it’s not the same.

Anyway, while we were talking, Dax brought up an idea he’s really excited about: he wants us all to spend $50 on a single gift, wrap it in neutral wrapping paper, and then do a gift swap. The way it works is the first person picks a gift, and each person after can either pick a new gift or “steal” an opened one. At the end, the first person gets one last chance to swap with anyone if they want.

The thing is… I really don’t want to do this. To me, Christmas isn’t about receiving gifts; it’s about giving them. I love spending time picking out something thoughtful for each person, something I think will genuinely make them happy. Seeing their reactions means a lot to me. This “one gift swap” thing just feels too impersonal and, honestly, kind of corporate.

And before anyone asks, no, my brother isn’t tight on money. He’s actually pretty well-off, much more than me, but that’s not the point.

So, WIBTA if I told my brother I’d rather not participate in his gift swap idea? I’d still love to give everyone personal gifts, but I just don’t want to do this impersonal gift exchange. It just doesn’t feel right to me.

EDIT****

Wow, I wasn’t expecting so many replies, and I can’t respond to everyone, so I thought it would be best to put this all in an edit. Anyway, everyone in my family is pretty well off, including all of Dax’s in-laws, Leaf and his in-laws, etc. Leaf and his wife aren’t really into the idea of doing White Elephant this year, and neither are my mom or stepdad. We all know how complicated Christmas gets as the family grows, and we’d honestly prefer to do Secret Santa instead.

Also, just for context, Dax’s mother-in-law is outright refusing to participate in White Elephant and is insisting on an expensive gift instead. If she doesn’t get one, she won’t come to their Christmas celebration, which is just adding to the drama. My brother Dax can be very controlling, and most of the time we just let him have his way because it’s easier than dealing with the tension if he doesn’t. He tends to make everyone uncomfortable if things aren’t exactly how he wants them.

My mom also isn’t thrilled about doing White Elephant because of what happened last year. She and my grandma booked a holiday home in Salem for Christmas, with my mom covering about 90% of the cost and my grandma pitching in around 10%. But then my brothers ended up getting our grandma a gift to thank her while giving nothing to our mom, who had covered most of the expenses. To make it worse, Dax and Leaf both got their mothers-in-law expensive gifts, but didn’t even think to give our mom something small. My mom isn’t materialistic at all; she’d be happy with just a thank-you card. But that’s part of why she’s not on board with White Elephant this year.

For me, I’d rather skip getting a gift altogether than end up with something I don’t want. So, this year, I’ve decided to focus on gifts for my partner (it’s her second Christmas with us, and her family doesn’t celebrate), as well as gifts for my mom, stepdad, grandma, and all the nieces and nephews.

At the end of the day, we just want to find a middle ground that works for everyone. We’re hoping Dax can feel satisfied too, but we’ll see. I’ll keep you updated on any compromises or what ends up happening in December.

Update  Nov 27, 2024

So, I posted here a while back about this (WIBTA for not wanting to do my family’s “one gift swap” Christmas idea). Well, buckle up because here’s the update. - You can find the original on my page.

TL;DR Recap:

My brother Dax (24M) suggested doing white elephant for Christmas instead of exchanging individual gifts. This idea was… not well-received. I (22M) am in a family group chat with Dax, my other brother Leaf (27M), their wives Megan (29F) and Blaire (27F), our mom (61F), stepdad (60M), grandma (79F), stepsisters Edie (22F) and Tatum (19F), and my partner Maeve (23F)—who isn’t in the chat but is VERY relevant here. Dax announced his idea like a dictator issuing a decree, not like, “Hey, thoughts?”

Let’s just say… the family vibes have been shaken.

What Went Down:

A few days ago, Grandma told us Dax had something “important” to share. Turns out, it was him rehashing the white elephant plan, complete with rules. And not like, “What do you guys think?”—more like “This is what we’re doing, no discussion.”

Here’s the thing about Dax: he’s a control freak. Last year, he strong-armed us into Secret Santa, which most of us hated but didn’t challenge because… you don’t mess with Dax. This year, I decided to grow a spine and said, “Hey, this isn’t fun for most of us. White elephant feels corporate and joyless—it’s not what Christmas means to our family.” I even suggested sticking to Secret Santa if the issue is cost.

Apparently, this was blasphemy.

The Fallout:

Not long after, Mom called me in tears. She admitted the white elephant idea made her feel awful. She said it hurts that her sons don’t want to buy her a Christmas gift anymore, especially when she does so much for everyone. She then went full mom mode in the group chat:

1. She said she doesn’t like the white elephant idea because she loves personal gift-giving.
2. She directly asked Megan and Blaire if they planned to skip individual gifts for their own families too.

Both Megan and Blaire said, “Oh no, we’ll still get individual gifts for our families!” Cue Mom’s second call to me—angrier and sadder. She feels like she’s being treated as a second-class family member by her sons, who’ll put effort into gifts for their in-laws but can’t be bothered for her. (And honestly? She has a point. My brothers either buy her last-minute junk or forget entirely.)

Maeve and the Stepsisters Join the Rebellion:

I called Maeve to vent, and she was fuming. She’s been budgeting over $300 to get thoughtful gifts for everyone (first Christmas with my family, wants to make a good impression). She said if it’s going to be white elephant, it’s a waste—her gifts won’t even go to the right people.

Meanwhile, my stepsisters Edie and Tatum jumped in to say they also hate the white elephant idea. Edie even called it “lazy” on Dax’s part. (Hero.) Dax, feeling the heat, proposed a vote: White elephant or Secret Santa. By this point, though, I was done. I dropped out entirely, and so did Edie, Tatum, Maeve, Mom, Stepdad, and Grandma.

Enter Blaire, the Plot Twist Queen:

Blaire suddenly chimed in with a new idea: “Since so many people are dropping out, let’s just do gifts for the kids.” She framed it like a compromise, but really, it was her way of shutting down the adults entirely. Dax, Leaf, and Megan jumped on board, and Dax declared, “Christmas is only for kids.”

Okay, sure, Dax. 🙄

Where Things Stand:

So now? It’s chaos. Mom, Maeve, Edie, Tatum, and I have decided we’ll exchange gifts with each other. We’re still getting presents for the kids because they’re innocent in all this, but Dax, Leaf, Megan, and Blaire? They’re getting nothing from us.

Christmas plans are totally up in the air, and honestly, this whole thing has killed the holiday vibe for me. It’s a mess, and while it’s not the resolution I wanted, at least I know who’s on Team Christmas Spirit.

Final Thoughts:

If Christmas is “just for kids” now, then Dax, Leaf, Megan, and Blaire can go be kids together. Meanwhile, I’ll be over here with my mom, stepsisters, and Maeve, celebrating with love, laughter, and thoughtful gifts—

So yeah. Not the happy update, but there it is.

Thoughts? Am I still the a-hole? (Also, any tips for surviving awkward family Christmas dinners would be much appreciated…) 🎄

Update 2  Nov 28, 2024

Holy freakin’ shit… my brother might be in debt…

I’m at work right now, so sorry for any grammar mistakes. I’m literally typing this on my phone while heading back to my desk. But yeah…

So yeah, Dax finally came clean to my mom a…

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