**I am NOT OOP, OOP is** u/FamilyDramaCenter **Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes** **AITAH for asking my Sister for a proper apology after...
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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-01-31 05:00:08+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/FamilyDramaCenter

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

AITAH for asking my Sister for a proper apology after ruining my Honeymoon?

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Editor’s note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, bullying, homophobia, invasion of privacy

Original post: December 11, 2024

Hi. Sorry if this is too long. My life is spiraling. And as a long time viewer I would really like all of your takes. Throw-away account as my family uses media. Fake names used. If you don’t like long reads sorry. I shorted this from 7000 words… I did my best.

So, my full Family involved. I (37) Male, Husband (36) Male, Sister “Amber” (45) Female, Her Partner “Tim” (47) Male, Brother (42) Male, Mom (66) Female, “Kassy” (Special Needs) (67) female (Semi-Verbal).

Import information: My Mom, Sister and I are in the care field. My Mom is a Retired Care-worker for over 25 years, My sister 2 years in care field and I 11 years in care field. At any time. Kassy has to be with Either, my Mom, Sister or I. As she is not independent.

This was my Mom, Sister and Kassy’s Third Cruise. This was everyone else 1st ever cruise.

My Husband and I were married this year 2024 on our 11th year. My Mom has been talking for years about having her immediate family on one BIG Family Cruise on her retirement year. This year she retired. She informed my Husband and I that she would pay for our portion as well as a balcony suit as a honeymoon present. She told us that though this is a Family Cruise, we are to treat it like a Honeymoon and relax, enjoy and not to stress. Also to have lots of time to ourselves.

We were both worried as it was a lot of money. Plus mixing a Honeymoon with a Family Cruise seemed daunting. We weren’t sure how to juggle everything. But my Mom told us not to worry. We convinced her to allow us to pay for any extra expenses, like drinks, items bought on and off cruise. She agreed. We both thanked her profusely and showed how grateful we were throughout the trip.

Unfortunately, our Honeymoon/Family Cruise ended up being an emotional disaster. Though my Husband and I had times we were happy and did our best to overcome the overwhelming stress. There was a lot of bullying and temper tantrums from my sister that were unnecessary and uncalled for directed towards me mostly and sometimes at everyone else.

Though my sister has always been high-strung and over-opinionated about most situations. She has also been one of my husband and my biggest supporters. Which we value highly. Just by being gay my husband lost his entire family for his “choice”. So, any love and support is something we value highly. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. We love my Sister. But her treatment towards us was not ok.

Before the cruise. My siblings, Husband and Tim met up. The cruise topic came up and we all agreed that giving our Mom one day to herself to enjoy the cruise without having to take care of Kassy would be a nice thank you to her. My Mom was also paying for most of my sisters and Tims expenses and all brothers expenses as well. This was her choice.

We talked about how either Amber&Tim or Husband&Me would take Kassy for the first half of the day and then we would switch. Since both my Sister and I are in the care field it only made sense to not have us together. It was a discussion. Not a set in stone plan.

However, on the cruise it quickly became clear that my brother and Tim got a free pass not to look after Kassy, and the one day of taking Kassy turned into four days of care. Lasting between 3 to 5 hours on our downtime each time.

This was never agreed upon. Never discussed, never brought up to me or my Husband. The three occasions that Kassy was put into my care were out of nowhere. Though I accepted all three times as to not cause a scene and of course I wanted my Mom to relax. All three times my Sister and Mom would go to the spa to spend time together. The fourth time my Husband and I looked after Kassy just us so my Mom could enjoy around 4 hours by herself alone because she needed a break. This time it was our choice as she looked so stressed. She enjoyed the solo time alone.

I love Kassy. She’s family. But she’s also work. She needs a lot of help to do most things. My Husband did his best to help out, but I was the primary care. I was happy Kassy was happy but the three times I was given the task was by Amber not my Mom. Each time My husband and I had to cancel our plans together. There were one time events and couple activities on the cruise we wanted to experience and weren’t given a choice.

It was “Our Turn” to take her. And We did.

No matter what I did. I always managed to do something wrong. No matter how hard I tried to follow Ambers instructions. I always missed something. She never stopped reminding me how lucky it was that Mom was spending so much money on my Husband and I. How grateful we should be. Each time we went to by a special drink she would remind us it cost extra money. Each time we discussed buying pictures or merchandise, she reminded us not to abuse our Moms kindness.

One day she would encourage talking to our Mom about purchasing something. The next day telling me I’m being selfish and not thinking about Mom. When all I did was re-tell what she said to me the previous day.

On many occasions during dinner in the crowded dining hall. She would either slow her speech to talk to me like a child. Or try and “teach” me how to do things properly so I don’t screw up next time.

There was even a time. She handed signature photo album book for our waitstaff to sign for Kassy. I was very overwhelmed and had an anxiety attack and kind of blanked. Amber was yelling instructions at me where she could have easily done what she wanted herself. Then after continued to berate me in front of over 40 people. I was utterly humiliated. She said she couldn’t fathom how I couldn’t understand the simplest of instructions.

I have never in all my life been so torn down by her. She treated me so poorly. I was up most nights sick. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong. I wanted to enjoy myself but felt like I was in a nightmare. My Husband was furious.

I asked my Mom if she knew what was going on. She said “Yes” but wouldn’t tell us. I said I’d go talk to Amber. My mom begged me not to. That Amber would come tell me what was going on, on her own. Well…. She never did. With each passing day, she got more and more unbearable to be around. She got meaner and meaner. Even publicly accusing me of forcing our Mom to do our laundry. When I was just asking how the machine worked.

Out of the 7 day Cruise. My husband and I only got 8 hours together alone to enjoy our Honeymoon.

Everything else was either spent with someone with the family, mostly catering to Kassy or Amber. Going on group excursions which most were fun. And wondering the ship with family again.

I love my family. But I will never ever travel with my Sister again. I’ve never ever treated her the way she treated me. I honestly felt like she hated me.

After the cruise I sent her a letter explaining how hurt I was. How I felt like her own personal goffer and punching bag. How I felt so disrespected and used.

She in tern wrote me a novel explaining her finances, my mother finances and listing the many reasons why she was acting the way she was acting to try and excuse her behaviour towards me.

She then wrote an “Apology” Or at least my Mom who read the letter said it was a good apology and to drop the situation and move on.

This is a copy paste from her “apology”

I’m not trying to pretend I’m some saint here. I should have realized how frustrated I was getting and asked you guys why you were making things so hard, and instead I assumed that you were being difficult for no reason and let my frustration build until my ‘fuse’ turned into a switch. I lost my cool a lot, and I know how I get when that happens. It’s not nice, at all, and I am genuinely sorry for that.

(Then Directly followed by this) In hindsight, I also should have been a lot more explicit that the whole spa thing was about Mom getting a break, not me wanting to monopolize her time, instead of assuming you would realize that on your own. And I could have made up a little calendar or something so we could all get on the same page about when it would happen, assuming you were willing, rather than hoping you’d be able to figure it out without me having to pester you every day. If nothing else, that would have given the two of you a chance to let me know that this never was a family cruise to you and that there was no way you were going to give up an hour of your honeymoon every day, even as a thank-you to Mom for paying for the whole thing. And then I could have figured out a plan B that wouldn’t have required a single thing from either of you.

Again I love my sister. I love my family. But the reactions have been terrible. My Mom has pretty much sided with my sister. Radio silent to my husband. They used to talk everyday. Saying I crushed Amber by calling her out. If it…

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1ie7bb6/aitah_for_asking_my_sister_for_a_proper_apology/

  • @[email protected]MEnglish
    2•2 months ago

    Editor’s note: CRA = Canada Revenue Agency

    BIG UPDATE: January 23, 2025

    Firstly. I’d like to thank all of the THT community for reaching out and giving me their honest opinions. It’s really helped me to look past my love for my family and accept the hard reality that I believe I was avoiding.

    Now for the update: When I wrote my first post I was not in a place where I was able to remove myself fully from my Mom. Reason being is this.

    Right off the Cruise. After I sent my sister Amber the letter explaining how she hurt me on my “Honeymoon” My mom was working on my Husband and I to let a family friend do our Taxes.

    (This was when she was still talking to my Husband and telling us she agreed my sister was wrong in her actions)

    We have been going to a company for years but she was extremely convincing. Saying her friend had 15 years accounting experience, her friend also said this. We accepted as she asked us to Trust her. And that Trust bit us in the ass HARD. This was back in August of 2024.

    Next thing we know, the family friend screwed up on our taxes so bad we are now owing a large sum of money back to the government, double digits. We found this out unexpectedly in December 2024. And our world was immediately flipped upside down. But in a way I guess as bad as our financial situation is. It’s come with a lot of clarity.

    (FYI – With my husbands adoptive Mom’s help/experience. We have managed to hopefully be ok… somewhat. We can fix it in a couple of years maybe 5 or 6. Which is something. Unfortunately, our great credit we have been working on for over 9 years has been destroyed. Which is devastating)

    My mom refused to help in any way. Not even offering to help us find resources or solutions. Telling me that it was our fault for not doing our taxes in the first place. It was hard not to blame her for getting us to trust her friend. Be my Husband and I are adults, and we made the choice to put our trust in her.

    We own that choice. Still sucks though.

    Nobody sending happy birthdays on my birthday and or happy holidays for Christmas. Which was something never forgotten but this year was missed. Because of this on top of everything else. My husband and I decided to go no contact and did so with all family members, IE, Amber, Tim (Ambers Partner), Mom and Brother. As space we felt was for the best. We didn’t know how long but we knew for our health it was best.

    Now comes January 2025 when things took an even more bizarre and brutal turn.

    Suddenly on our social media accounts a poster left comments exposing our financial situation. It was so accurate that we knew who it came from as the only people who knew were my Husband and I, My Mom and her friend who did our taxes.

    I sent screenshots to my Mom asking if she knew anything about it. She denied having any involvement.

    We blocked the accounts and within an hour. Tim reached out through Facebook. (I forgot to block him) And he said that nobody knew he was sending me this message and he was checking up on me and that he and the family didn’t know how to act on how my husband, and I were acting.

    Right away we looked at the posts, the account that we blocked and put two and two together. The account that posted the private financial information was Tim.

    I again reached out to my mom but this time by phone. Said for her to tell me the truth about the post. She began to cry and said that she told Amber all our financial information because. “She just needed to talk to someone about it”. I informed her that she broke both my husband and my trust by doing so. She blatantly lied to me when I asked the first time. We asked her not to tell anyone and she told my sister who she knew we were going through problems. We had also discovered that my mom also told her best friend and Amber all of my and my husbands’ private medical information. Which shortly after. Amber created another account and began to slander us online with this information. Going across all our media sites we use and doing the same thing.

    This was shocking as my Mom never, ever divulged financial or medical information to me about my siblings when I’ve asked in the past. Always saying it was not her business and If I was curious, I had to ask them. So why was I and my husband not given the same respect.

    We were then dealing with this for over 2 weeks. Reporting and blocking accounts.

    It was so incredibly horrible. Again, I sent screenshots to my Mom to show her how the information she gave was now being used against us. Publicly. Proving it was Amber and Tim and yet she stood by them.

    Over time through the slander, my mom and brother we learned that my Mom, Amber, Tim and Brother had been constantly talking about my husband and I way before the wedding. Amber and my Mom especially and not in a positive way.

    We also found out through my sisters slander the true feelings towards my Husband. They HATE him. Which broke both our hearts. He’s too Gay. He’s a “drug abuser”(Clean 9 years), lazy, dirty, etc. Awful things.

    The family has made it known that they find me unstable, brainwashed and stupid. And that my Husband is a terrible manipulator who’s pulling the strings.

    My mom then began to send pictures of Kassy to my phone as I had her blocked on all other media. I asked her to stop as it was a form of guilt tripping and avoidance in regard to her actions. She got very mad at me trying to guilt me. So, I blocked her phone number which was the last form of contact we had.

    Now my whole immediate family is fully blocked, and I feel sick to my stomach. We only got married last July and I feel like my inner family literally died. It crushes me almost daily. I’m doing my best to get by, but my sleep and appetite are heavily affected. I have already been getting mental health help which has been good. That’s a big reason why I blocked them and am writing this update as it’s been recommended to just put it out into the world.

    I honestly don’t know what to do. If its even possible to have them in my life again. Nasty words were exchanged on both sides. My husband was so attacked by them all that honestly he’s emotionally done. I don’t blame him. I cannot ask him to allow them back into his life. They were awful to him. Which means that making things right feels impossible.

    We do have a good support group of family and friend we made though not connected by blood. Which we are both blessed and grateful. This does make it a bit better as we have people to fall back on. Thankfully.

    I have no other updates. Hopefully they can leave us alone. Hopefully we can live in peace, and I can learn to get over loosing that part of my life.

    All of the THT family advice and words have been so eye opening, and both my Husband and I thank you for putting what was wrong to light. You were all right. I’m just so sad that it was all true.

    I’ll keep you posted if anything else happens. But hopefully it doesn’t.

    • @[email protected]MEnglish
      2•2 months ago

      Small edit as I keep seeing questions regarding our finances. I had to ask my Husband to give a small description as he is the one dealing directly with it.

      Mom’s friend Messed up and when we inquired she made sure and said to enjoy our money. So we went and paid of all our bills and wedding ect.

      In December we found out we owed and went into debt consolidation to help us pay off things as we were on route to bankruptcy.

      We don’t really want to go too much into detail as this could get legal. But we do have a lot of documents to show Mom’s friend believed she knew what she was doing. We don’t believe she did it on purpose but made a mistake. She’s now retired so doesn’t work for a company.

      We are still working on the financial side of things. So at the moment we must focus on stabilizing our situation before we can move forward if that is even an option or the payment plan for us will take approx. 5-6 years due to the large sum of money we spent (With the understanding it was our money to spend)

      Everyone, even the financial help we received are shocked the CRA did not catch the mistake right away on their end. But when they did, we only got the email in Dec. However the interest was built up from when the mistake was made. In Canada the CRA can be quite brutal. Thankfully we seem to be doing ok.

      But that’s all I have for now about that. I hope that clears some stuff up.

      Additional Information from OOP regarding the taxes issue

      OOP: We were late on our taxes as we got married in July and forgot to do them as we were hyper focused on the wedding. Canadian Taxes are done in March/April every year though we forgot.

      We left for 7 days at the start of August. Once back my mom convinced us to do our taxes with her friend for free. She was worried we would get charged a higher expense by the company we normally went to because we were so late on our taxes. Her friend ensured us she would do everything quickly and efficiently. She did it all really fast. Because neither of us do the actual paperwork and have always paid to have it done. We thought nothing of how fast she managed to complete our taxes.

      The amount of $ was an large amount. We were told everything was done right and not to worry. That the money was ours to spend. So we did. It was not the amount owing.

      The most we would have had to spend was $200 to $300 due to late fees but right after a very expensive wedding and cruise. She convinced us that free help would be better. We agreed as my Husband and I were pretty broke.

      I never said anything about credit cards. Just that because of this massive error our high credit score was destroyed. We were into 700+. IT took years to build it so high. We managed to not go bankrupt but in the process our credit suffered.

      Because we spent the money (which ended up being not ours due to the error) we now have to pay it all back including the interest. The money we would have gotten from our taxes has been absorbed. But it wasn’t a large amount.

      Nobody knows why the CRA didn’t catch this error as it was a large one. Normally they are good at catching things like this. Unfortunately it slipped by and I guess it was noticed closer to December. The email we received was sent in December though the taxes and money were received in August.

      To explain in greater detail which we have been advised not to do. Like actually giving you the amounts and the full process. It would be easier to explain.

      Hope this helps.

      Relevant Comments

      Commenter 1: I think it’s time to consult with an attorney. I would also consider getting new phone numbers and deleting all social media.

      OOP: We still have to deal with the final details of our finances before anything in that regard. Changing phone numbers is something we are considering. Deleting all social media will not be possible as that’s my Husbands job. Deleting it would delete years of work. So for now we just have to battle it.

      OOP should report this to the police and CRA

      OOP: We did contact the police, legal aid, back to police. Not sure how other countries deal with this kind of thing. But In Canada they have to make threats of violence or to post bank numbers or information where people could easily find us. Which they haven’t. However we are still in contact with help and are looking into other ways to keep them from us. It is still harassment and slander. Neither of us has had to deal with this before. Its all so new. So we are learning as we go.

      We are currently dealing with the CRA

      Commenter 2: You can also file amended tax returns. Take the return that is causing you trouble to someone reputable (maybe your prior company) to review.

      OOP: Sadly we can’t do that as we spent it thinking it was our money to spend. We did double check with my Mom’s friend. She confirmed she did everything right. Told us to enjoy the money. Sadly she messed up and now we cant fight it that way. But we are looking into other avenues.

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