**I am NOT OOP, OOP is** u/ScaredyCat1122 **Originally posted to r/AITAH** Previous BoRUs:...
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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-03-27 04:04:10+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ScaredyCat1122

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: 1

[New Update]: WIBTA for refusing to raise my husband’s affair children now that he and the woman he cheated with passed away?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, death of loved ones, emotional abuse and manipulation, bullying and religious coercion, entitlement, possible identity theft

RECAP

Original Post: August 24, 2024

Sorry for using a new account, I know that’s a red flag, but I don’t want to risk using my old reddit account.

My (45F) husband (49M) of 23 years had an affair with a twenty-years old girl since 2020. I found out this year when his affair partner gave birth to twin boys in March. Obviously we were going to divorce. We’ve been hashing things out since, it’s been a lengthy process due some properties in common and we needed to get an accountant since he used the shared account for his affair. Finally things seemed to be getting close to the end when both my husband and the woman he cheated with were killed in a car crash.

By some miracle the twin babies were not harmed in the crash. Now they are orphaned and neither set of grandparents can take them in permanently. My husband’s parents are both in assisted living, he has no siblings and the only aunt that could take them refuses. She’s been childfree her whole life. On the woman’s side, I’m not sure the details in full, but her parents are also not able to be involved long term and the one sister she has lives overseas.

Since we were still married and he had not updated his will, all his assets are set to pass to me and our two children. I’m not callous enough to leave those babies with nothing, so I agreed to let whoever is their legal guardian to have the remaining balance in the shared account. About twenty-five thousands in savings.

The issue is no one wants to take them in. Now my in-laws are pressuring me to take them in and raise them. The issue is, I don’t want to. At all. I wouldn’t love them and I don’t want to be the evil stepmother. But I know a big part of me will always have a level of resentment towards them. I will probably favor my own children.

It’s not their fault, but I truly loved my husband and I thought we were happy before I found out about the affair. We have two daughters (14 and 16). Obviously we had disagreements, but never insulted each others before. Then I found out about the affair and he began calling me names and blaming me for his cheating. He became abusive and even tried to kick me of the house, my childhood home that is not shared property for the record. I’m also raising teenagers alone now. I don’t have the energy to raise babies anymore.

My daughters hate their baby brothers. I tried to get them to spend time with their dad as we were divorcing, but they refused. Since this all was found out because of the babies, there wasn’t really a way to sugar coat the situation. And they are also too old to really get away with it.

Most of my friends agree its not my place to care for those children, but my in-laws, the affair woman’s parents and my mother want me to raise them. I know my mom is just having grandkids’ fever, but it hurts to not have her support.

I have to make a decision by next week or the boys will be going into foster care. At the moment they are temporarily placed with their maternal grandparents. I feel horrible, but I am very sure I can’t take them in.

WIBTA if I refused to take them in?

Small update:

Hey everyone, this blew up far more than I thought, and I appreciate the well wishes for my girls, the boys and myself. Also for the amount of lovely people offering to see about giving the twins a good home. I might not be their mother, but it does touch me and makes me glad there’s good people out there.

After thinking carefully and speaking to my lawyer, reading responses, doing research, etc. I plan to speak to the grandparents tomorrow and refuse to take legal guardianship of the boys. I will let them know of the usernames of people that offered meeting for private adoptions or fostering, but my daughters are my priority. It’ll be up to the twins’ grandparents to decide if they’ll proceed with adoption, keep them, or turn them to the state. I wish I had the mental capacity to be the person to do this, but I have two girls that are going through a lot and they need my full attention.

I’ll also be talking to the lawyers to figure out if the boys have any inheritance claim properly. If they do, I’ll separate it and leave it to the lawyers to do what they need to do for them to have access when its best. If they don’t, I’ll find a way to ensure they have access to the 25k I was going to give them since the beginning. I won’t do more, however. My moral compass might be biased, but I don’t believe I’m obligated neither morally nor legally to do more than what the word of law says. I can’t help everyone and I shouldn’t have to. I have two girls that lost their father, two girls that need therapy, two girls just about to get to college. They’ve gone through enough without seeing their mother favor the children of their father’s mistress.

Second Update: Hey everyone.

So as I said two nights ago, I went yesterday to speak to the twin’s grandparents. I explained my position and refused to take guardianship of the boys. My mother-in-law almost slapped me when I said that, but thankfully this was all done in a public place and my father-in-law stopped her. The maternal grandparents kept pleading for me to raise them since they didn’t want to lose them. I kept saying no, and when they called me selfish, I lost it.

I told them to their face the only selfish people in this mess were them and their son and daughter. Their son, my husband, for cheating and then making the divorce hell on me and my girls. Their daughter because she was a wh*re (I used another word) that went after a married man twice her age. I told them if I heard from them again, I would request a cease and desist. I also informed my parents-in-law that they won’t have access to my daughters for the foreseeable future. I’ll explain why in a bit.

We were at a restaurant, but I didn’t stay for the meal. I also sent an email to my lawyer so he can ensure CPS and any agency involved in the welfare of the twins is aware I’m not going to be their guardian or be involved. Then I sent an email to my in-laws with all the usernames and websites from people here in reddit that have offered to do interviews for the twins adoption. I won’t be involved beyond this point, so please as lovely as it is, I can’t help you if you are interest in the boys. Yesterday was the end of my involvement.

As for why my in-laws won’t see my girls, I spoke to my daughters and decided to find out more about their thoughts before I went to meet the grandparents. My youngest refused to speak to me, which I found very out of place for her. My eldest then ask for just the two of us to speak. That’s when she explained that my in-laws had been going on about how the girls need to get ready to go to public school instead of their private school and to get jobs right out of high school since I will have to provide the twins with private schooling and college money. Apparently they also were told to start moving their stuff to share a room, my girls have separate rooms, since the twins need more space. This was not known to me. Mostly cause that would never happen. Apparently my in-laws have been basically bullying the girls because ‘the babies take priority’. Yeah, that’s not happening.

I told the girls that their grandparents have no say in where they go to school, their college funds, or how the rooms are set in our house. Also that I do agree they could use a part-time job during college and maybe a scholarship, but their tuition will be paid. I told them not to blame the babies for the stupidity of the adults. They told me they understand, but they still don’t want to interact with their brothers for now. That ‘for now’ part gives me hope they’ll get through things.

For now we’re going to do some changes in the house. The girls and I both don’t like there’s still an office space that my husband used. We’re going to make it into a gaming room for all of us. I plan to take down some pictures that have my husband in them and put them in albums for the girls. We just want to make the house more ours.

As for people wondering why my girls wanted nothing to do with their father: My daughters were the ones that discovered the affair and told me when my husband took them to meet the twins at the hospital. He had asked them to keep it secret, but my girls told me. After that, my husband began treating them horribly too. He burnt all bridges with the girls.

Very tiny update since there’s some people who keep harassing me in PMs: I spoke to a lawyer on Monday. The boys have no inheritance claim until a DNA test is done. After that, their only claim is against my in-laws. The shared account is not con…

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1jkvgrk/new_update_wibta_for_refusing_to_raise_my/

  • @[email protected]MEnglish
    1•20 days ago

    ----NEW UPDATES---- Editor’s note: OOP made 2nd update that is under 1st update in the same post

    Update #2: November 17, 2024 (one month later)

    Update:

    So, we had mediation this week for the grandparents’ right lawsuit. This is just to avoid taking space on a judge’s already heavily stressed docket, though I knew it would go nowhere. My ex-inlaws demands were for the girls to either be in their custody or spend weekdays with them and weekends with me. Even the court appointed mediator told them they were not being realistic with their expectations. My lawyer and I only had one offer and were not willing to negotiate: they will see my daughters only if they want and when they want. Mediator also thought we were being unfair. That’s when a detail came out. My ex-inlaws had claimed my daughters are 6 and 4 (a whole decade younger than they really are) to the mediator.

    I provided him wiht birth certificates, as well as show him a picture of the girls. Mediator shook his head and said he couldn’t help in this case. My daughters are too old for grandparents’ rights to even be considered. He will send a recommendation for the grandparents’ right lawsuit to be dropped, but the custody one will still be going since neither my ex-inlaws nor I agree on custody. I refuse to give them any single bit of legal control of my daughters. They are now also demanding I make them their legal guardian if I happened to pass away. Nope.

    On some strange news, I met the sister of my ex’s affair partner. She brought some items to my house that she knew had to be stolen from me. These are things that were supposed to be in storage. My wedding dress, an old jewelry box that had a picture of my grandparents, some of my coats that are a bit pricey, shoes, and what creeped me out the most copies of my personal documents (passport, IDs, etc). The sister told me she was cleaning up their place when she found my property and used the address shown in them. She was rather nice and apologized for her parents and sister. I did ask her why she refused to take the twins, and she told me that she did because she was tired of being the emergency plan for her family. She didn’t say more and I didn’t think it was right to ask her. She knew they were my items because apparently the affair partner had bragged about my ex-husband giving her these items, except for the documents. She has no idea what’s going on with that, but she didn’t want anything to do with identity theft. She did bring some things that weren’t mine and I let her know, so I only kept my property.

    I told my lawyer about the IDs issue and he helped me get my credit frozen. I’ll be getting new IDs and passports. We did report the possible identity theft to the police so we had the report in case my personal information was used for something illegal or to put me in any trouble. I didn’t know one could make a report on a dead person, but apparently this happens more often than I imagined. And no, this won’t turn into a posthumously conviction. It’s just paperwork to protect myself.

    And a last funny note, I am planning to burn that wedding dress and make smores over the fire. Petty? Yep.

    • @[email protected]MEnglish
      1•20 days ago

      My ex-MIL sent her Church friends to harass my daughters and I. I have now exposed her family to her church community and she’s getting shamed and shunned at Church.: March 16, 2025 (four months later)

      My (46F) daughters (17 and 15) have a strained relationship with my ex-husband’s parents (78M and 80F). My ex passed away in an accident last year and we’ve had some major family drama since due his cheating and him leaving two boys born with his affair partner orphaned. She also died. Part of the drama has been my ex-inlaws trying to get custody of my daughters and them also trying to live with us. First one we’re going to court over, second one will never happen.

      Where we live there’s a weekend market with fresh produce, eggs, meats, and other products straight from farmers. This week was extra special since it was my youngest’ birthday. Since her party is later in the month, I decided to give her a budget and set her loose on the market to get whatever she wanted. Mostly chocolate and sweets.

      After an hour, I did start getting worried, and just before I called her, she called me. She was crying, saying some weird people have cornered her. I ran to her with my oldest daughter to find six older women berating my daughter for being ‘unChristian’ for refusing to spend time with her paternal Grandparents or for wanting to be ‘a good big sister to her poor orphaned baby brothers’. My daughters are the ones that found out about my ex cheating and the babies, so they aren’t fond of the kids. It’s trauma and they are working with a therapist.

      I got between the group and my daughter, telling my eldest to go pay the stuff her sister had and to go to the car. Then I turned to the women, some who I knew from when we went to my ex-inlaws’ church, and rip them a new one. They told me I was worst for refusing to obey my ex-inlaws ‘like a good Christian wife’. Barf. Eventually the screaming turn too loud and we were all asked to leave the market. I met with my girls in the car, the women following me like a group of vultures. I managed to get in the car and drove away.

      After my girls went to bed, I got online to talk to another member of that church that I’m in good terms. I told him about what happened and after he apologized, he told me what was going on. My ex-mother-in-law posted this massive story in the church’s facebook group about how horrible my daughters and I are, how we are leaving them homeless and penniless (they inherited my ex’ personal bank account and his life insurance), and how my daughters don’t even talk to them. She also accused us of being the reasons she lost her grandsons. The boys are now living with distant relatives of my ex-husband. Basically, it was a sob story worthy of a Hallmark movie. And of course, they were getting all the love and support from the more extremist members of their church.

      This church and its members are a bit annoying especially with LGBTQ+ topics, but they have a small saving grace. They are incredibly strict about cheating. It’s a big no-no, be it from a husband or a wife equally. Now, how did she get around blaming me about affair children without exposing the cheating? She claimed the other woman was our surrogate since I was unable to have more children. Then said I didn’t want the babies because they were boys. Which is absolutely disgusting to be accused of.

      Well, I decided it was time to clean up this mess and since I was mid-divorce when my ex died, I had all the evidence needed. And since the divorce wasn’t completed, I don’t have any legal ramification for releasing all the evidence.

      I was off the next day and went to a print shop to get copies of all the delightful pictures of my ex cheating, his text conversations with his affair partner, the ones with his parents confessing to his cheating and getting support from them, my ex-inlaws harassing me about the divorce, and my coup-de-grace: all the emails and text messages of them bullying my daughters about their baby brothers. In one of them they call my daughters ‘bastards’ and telling them it was their fault their father died since they told me about the affair and I began the divorce. This one was literally two days after my ex died.

      I paid extra for all of this to be printed in beautiful high quality paper. Then when I got home, I sat down for hours to make delightfully personalized binders. They look like the little prayer song packets the church give for everyone to take to sing hymns. The first picture when opening the binders is my ex and his side woman making out in our living room. Their faces are easy to discern and the girl looks nothing like me. Different skin tones and hair color. Underneath I wrote: ‘Ex-husband’s name’ and ‘Affair girl’s name’ love story. I took them to the church before service. There’s a desk in the back with the song books for people that need/forget their own, and they never check them.

      The gossip mill was quick and harsh. The names my ex and his affair partner got called in the facebook were so bad the pastor himself had to get involved just to keep things relatively PG-13. People were angry at my ex-inlaws for their abused to my daughters, but what made me laugh was that I was still in the wrong for the divorce, but ‘it is understandable that I failed on my duties after the shock and I possibly will one day return to the light, unlike my cheating husband and his Jezebel’. They used another word I can’t use here, I imagine. I got two apology letters in the mail for my girl and an invitation to join the church for ‘support’.

      As for my ex-inlaws? They got shamed into leaving the church. My ex-mother-in-law made a post on her wall about how alienated she feels and how no one cares for the elderly anymore. How she wished her ‘great son’ was still alive since he would have taken care of her and her husband. With what money, I don’t know, since I was the bread winner.

      Explanation on the will: My ex-husband had a will that named his parents as beneficiaries. As far as I was aware, he had told me he had named our daughters, not them. I never pushed for ME to be the beneficiary as my own will has my daughters as the beneficiaries, not him.

      Relevant Comments

      OOP clarifies the details on who actually got the life insurance and bank account due to her husband’s will

      OOP: No, the parents did. My daughters only got the value of two used luxury cars he owned after they sold.

      We both did our will some years ago and he listed them [the parents] as beneficiaries.

      They were the beneficiaries in his will. If he had died without a will, then yes, automatically I would get majority of assets. With a will, it gets complicated. I could in theory contest the will. I just don’t think the fight is worth the effort.

      Commenter 1: Still married but the parents end up with the life insurance and husband’s bank account? How’d that happen?

      OOP: His will. I could go to court over it, but its not worth it.

      Commenter 2: I sooo think it’s worth it…

      OOP: I am making more than he did and my daughters and I live in relative luxury. Contesting the will is a headache and half, plus it would just add more animosity. If I was pressed for money, sure, but at this point, I see it as an investment in cutting ties.

      OOP explains what she was told by her ex about the beneficiaries

      OOP: Well, my ex told me the girls were the beneficiaries. I did similar with my will leaving majority to my daughters, all my personal savings, bonds and life insurance, with him receiving my house (mine before marriage) and joint property. He lied, but I have learned that is the norm.

      It’s a blessing in disguise. I could contest it for sure, but that’s just a headache. And since there are two other children involved, contesting the will requires a ton of paperwork to divide what was my property, what was his, and what was joint. The latter two would have to be divided and its just a headache.

      OOP should move away and have a fresh start for herself and her daughters

      OOP: Oh, we’re on the process. There’s a lot of toxic stuff happening here involving my ex’s family and my family.

      What will happen to the twin boys?

      OOP: The boys are with relatives that want to adopt them. I’m not sure how that is going on, but I wish them all the best. My daughters and I are moving hopefully next year after my eldest graduates.

      OOP should make sure, in case if she passes, the custody of her daughters should NOT go to the in-laws

      OOP: Oh that’s been arranged for years. Neither my mother, who is a criminal nutcase, nor my ex’s parents will ever get a chance to take my girls if I die.

      We thankfully have sane extended family. My siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins, and amusingly my ex-husband’s aunts and cousins, have been a great support to the three of us.

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