**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [Ok\_Science4181](https://www.reddit.com/user/Ok_Science4181/)**.** He posted in r/AmItheAsshole # Do...
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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2025-04-18 04:31:45+00:00.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is Ok_Science4181. He posted in r/AmItheAsshole

Do NOT Comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Trigger Warning:

Mood Spoiler: Still some issues, but mostly ok

Original Post: March 26, 2025

Tag line says it all! But here’s some context. I (36m) have 2 kids with my ex, 9 and 11. We’ve been divorced for 3+ years and she remarried 2+ years ago. We have legit 50/50 custody and split everything down the middle pretty well. We have built a good routine for co parenting and things have been smooth for the last few years without any hostility.

If ever a time in the past where she had to leave for work she would ask me to watch them full time in her absence which u always do, happily. A few weeks ago she found out she’s deploying for 6 months overseas and asked if while she was gone her husband could kept the same routine 50/50. I said no, that I had assumed I would have full responsibility of them.

This upset them and it’s been a huge discussion ever since. She says I’m not thinking of the kids, their stability, their happiness. I argue that I disagree and that what parent wouldn’t want the opportunity to have them full again even if for a temporary time. I tried to explain that just because they are with me that I won’t cut their other lives out completely. They don’t want to hear it. The husband tries to make demands, every solution I’ve come up with doesn’t work for him and I clearly the bad guy to them.

I want to add that our custody agreement even states I get them if she deploys and we live in California. So even though I don’t think I’m in the wrong here, AITA?

EDIT: I want to clarify the biggest question that seems to be asked and the reason some feel I am TA. I have not told my kids about their mother deploying. I do not feel this is my position to. She will tell them when she is ready and I am respecting that. Of course I want to talk to my children about this and see what they think. I am trying my best to think of their stability, needs, and best interest.

EDIT 2: both my children are boys, because it’s also been asked a thousand times.

Some of OOP’s Comments:

Commenter: What do the kids want?

OOP: Haven’t asked them yet, don’t want to put my opinion onto them or make them feel forced one way or another

OOP expands in another comment:

I haven’t asked them their opinion because for the last 9-11 years each time the mother deployed or left we defaulted to it just being us. Even last year she left a few times and they came with me full time. It was unspoken but I thought it was the standard. Up until she asked me I had assumed in the scenario they would be with me fully. I thought / think they would feel the same. I spoke with the mother and we had both agreed we shouldn’t involve the kids until we came to a final decision. We are still trying to navigate this situation.

Commenter: INFO - The custody agreement is with your wife, not her husband, so you’re legally within your rights to keep 100% custody of the kids while she’s gone. That having been said, how do your kids feel about this? They’re the ones who should judge whether you’re TA or not in this situation. Will they be happy that you’re ripping them away from their friends and belongings for six months just to spite your ex’s husband?

OOP: That’s the thing, I’m not doing it to be mean or spite him. I want that time with my kids. I even offered visitation and stuff. Like I’m not saying guy is out of their lives, just that the live with me under my care.

Commenter: As a mom, I probably would not expect 50\50 time for my husband if I was not around. But you should give them some time over there if they want to go. That is literally their home too, and they might get home sick. Give the step-dad a weekend or after school. Again IF THE KIDS WANT. If the kids don’t ask about going over there then I wouldn’t bring it up.

However, if mom and stepdad have built a good family dynamic the kids will miss stepdad just as much as they miss mom, so I would not want to take 2 parental figures away.

OOP: I offered way more than that at one point and was threatened, told it wasn’t good enough, and that I would see them in court (from the step dad)

Commenter: Info: The hat would change daily/weekly/monthly for the kids other then not being with their mom and stepdad if they stay at your house? Also does any child support change if you have them? Does who claims them on taxes change?

OOP: We don’t pay child support in either direction. We do give each other money upon request if we are making big purchases involving them we feel we should split. IE baseball league fees, child care fees. We split 1 and 1 for taxes. AND he would still see them weekly! He is more than welcome to continue to come to sporting events, more than welcome to ask to hang out. He is not being shut out

OOP expands in a different comment:

Child support has no factor in my decision. I would not ask for it if I had 100% and I would give it even at 50% if they needed.

Commenter: NTA. Even if your kids say they want to stay with stepdad, don’t agree. They may get upset at first, but this is a power play by your ex. If you agree to let them stay, you can bet the house that your ex and her husband will tell the kids that you didn’t want to keep them while she is deployed and will work to try to replace you with him in their lives.

OOP: You may be the second person I believe to have something along these lines that I didn’t consider. What would my children think if they knew I had the opportunity to have them and chose not to? And also, if I give up custody this time for being nice that could set a precedent.

Top Comment:

Independent_Prior612: Family law legal assistant here. Not a lawyer. Not your lawyer. The following is merely my personal opinion.

Legally, NTA based on what you have said the decree states.

I’m curious where this is originating from. Does mom want it? Does step dad want it? Or do the kids want it and mom is playing bad guy to protect them from feeling like they are hurting your feelings?

If step dad wants it, it could be him making a power play in their marriage. But legally he has no standing and therefore needs to shut up and sit down.

If mom wants it, it makes the most sense for her to petition the court to modify the custody order. Just to protect everyone by having it enforceable in writing. Except that some provisions would need to be made for him to have legal powers in case something happens while they’re in his care.

If the kids want it, I think you need to figure that out, and I strongly encourage you to make it clear to them they are not hurting you by asking.

Whatever the case, please make sure that any given adult’s “rights to the children” are balanced with the NEEDS of the children. From what I have seen in my experience, the two aren’t always synonymous and the latter is easily forgotten. (Not an accusation against anyone in your story. I’m just saying.)

OOP: 100% believe step dad wants it. He has got in my face over the matter and stated that his role will not be reduced in mother’s absence. It doesn’t matter how many times I say you can still see them, anything less than what he feels ‘entitled’ too is unacceptable for him.

I want to also mention. He has a son of his own that he sees one month out of the year for the summer. I had mentioned my kids could spend time with him when he was around but he told me that he wasn’t sure if that worked for him because of his work schedule. He doesn’t know if he can have his kid for a full summer yet somehow can manage to support mine? Sort of a red flag there for me from a stability standpoint.

OOP is voted NTA

Update Post: April 11, 2025 (16 days later)

It’s been 16 days since OG post. Before I start, Not once did I say I believe stepdad to be malicious in any way. We don’t get along sure, doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. Next, I understand all the people who said I was TA was because I didn’t talk to my children about their wants. I understand their input matters in this very big decision.

Now, update! I spoke to a lawyer. As suspected, I was completely within my rights. Non-biological parent has no say in the matter. With Mom leaving I am sole guardian. No need to push anything on my end unless they try to, and even then it’s an uphill battle for them to prove I’m unfit.

As you can guess, they went to a lawyer also. I never sat down with Mom to discuss how it went. what I do know is that it didn’t go in their favor. How do I know you may ask? Well, I decided it was time to try and have a private chat with Stepdad. I was able to have a 5 minute conversation with him during my kids sporting event we both conveniently arrived early to. He basically conceded at that point and told me they would just eat the 6 months. I told him I’d talk to my ex but he …

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  • @[email protected]MEnglish
    1•2 days ago

    As you can guess, they went to a lawyer also. I never sat down with Mom to discuss how it went. what I do know is that it didn’t go in their favor. How do I know you may ask? Well, I decided it was time to try and have a private chat with Stepdad. I was able to have a 5 minute conversation with him during my kids sporting event we both conveniently arrived early to. He basically conceded at that point and told me they would just eat the 6 months. I told him I’d talk to my ex but he asked if I could give her some time. I get it, she just got the bad news, I obliged and left it alone. I did tell him that I wouldn’t stone wall him and that I respected his position in my kids life and that I only flexed back after I felt like they were trying to intimidate me. We both agreed the way we met didn’t start us off on the right foot and that we should take a step back and view the other’s perspective. I told him (and her eventually) that I was still willing to give time and my intent was never to shut them out.

    I would like to address that I myself am a child of divorce. My stepdad raised me and unless you knew me as a child you would have no idea. He deserves to never be reminded that we are not biologically related. He is and always will be the man I try to replicate and look up to. It was never downplaying the role of step parent. I know my children don’t have that relationship with their stepdad and it’s so fresh I don’t expect it. He is their friend, mentor, and one day I will have to accept that he is also their dad. I saw a lot of step parents responses and if I made you feel a way, I apologize. I respect you.

    What do the kids want!? Unfortunately, Mom still hasn’t told them about the deployment. Why? Idk. I was able to vaguely ask the right questions to get a feel for what they want. The expectation is they stay with me but still get to see Stepdad. I respect it, never against it. Ex and I still haven’t discussed what exactly the time split will look like but I did let her know stepdad was my go to if I needed any help, he was still welcome when events arise, and I would keep him involved. After stepdad and I spoke his entire demeanor changed. Regardless of reason, it’s much appreciated. Long story short, still in a sort of limbo but the future is bright.