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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/anon19191919191919 on 2023-09-02 23:10:46.
My mom is Indonesian-Chinese. It is traditional to give children gold jewelry. My grandparents gave me a pair of gold bracelets (galang) when I was born. I wore them my entire childhood. As a child, I never knew their monetary value and I don’t recall being overly complimented on them. As with anything worn everyday, I was mostly unaware of them. However, they always made me feel special, reminded me that my grandparents love me, and reminded me of my heritage.
My parents gave my daughter (3 yo) galang when she became a big sister a few months ago and she has been wearing them ever since. I never explicitly explained what the galang mean to my husband, but he had some idea. Neither of us talked about the galang to my in laws. My FIL is Taiwanese.
During this time, I heard from both my MIL and my husband that my FIL had misgivings about the galang in terms of safety and showing off. He called me after seeing pictures of my daughter at school orientation and very rationally told me his concerns. I was busy so I thanked him for thinking about it and I would do the same.
Yesterday, he told my husband to tell me to call him. The first thing he said “ok, so I told you to not let her wear the gold bracelets and you didn’t do it.” I explained to him that I didn’t know he was telling me take action and I had thought he was asking me to consider his opinion.
He then heatedly began his argument for why I should not let my daughter wear galang: 1) he worked in Indonesia in the 1990s and saw the extreme violence against the Chinese partly due to their wealth 2) safety 3) it is “disgraceful” to let her go to school wearing jewelry and “showing off.” I apologized, explained what the galang mean to me, discussed the safety aspect, and talked about her school (private preschool-6th grade, we are relatively middle class there, drive over 10 year old cars, don’t wear designer clothing, etc). After 20 min, he told me he was tired of this long conversation and asked if I was going to do what he said or not. I asked if we could please talk more. He refused, so I asked my husband to come in and hear his dad’s response. My husband has been really supportive and tried to reason with his dad. FIL began saying things like “you are a disappointment and all my efforts to raise you are a waste.” My FIL made the ultimatum that if we don’t take the galang off during school, that he nor my MIL would see us anymore.
My MIL and husband have voiced that they think he is being insane and support my decision, but they both hate confrontation and I know they wish I could just obey to keep the peace.
I feel that he has blown this out of proportion but won’t back down because at this point, it’s about control and having his children do what he says.
Am I wrong to consider calling his bluff? Please give me your advice. Thank you for reading.
You don’t sound like an asshole at all. I realize people have different cultural norms, but in my family, grandparents can’t impose their will on how our kids are raised by us and that’s a strict matter of principle. They’re free to opine, they’re free to disagree, but the buck stops there. Ego power trips are frowned upon :)
I’d say your FIL is making a big mistake with such an ultimatum and should be encouraged to reconsider.
If it’s just about the jewelry issue, it might seem like avoiding confrontation might be worth it depending on the family situation, but if it’s about the expectation of control, as it seems it might be, then it’s worth setting the boundaries right then and there.
If FIL’s concern is for the well-being and safety of his grandchild, then ask him to explain how cutting off ties with the family isn’t detrimental to the child. Either he’ll come to his senses or might make it more clear that it’s less about the child and more about control and seniority between him and your family, at which point you can discuss that directly.