This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-04-19 04:02:06+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/FewImpression6465

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITA for telling my dad he has to decide between me attending his wedding and accepting I won’t take part in the family unity ceremony or accept I won’t be there?

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: child abandonment, manipulation, health issues, neglect, emotional abuse

Mood Spoilers: anger and sadness

Original Post: April 10, 2025

My dad’s engaged to his partner of 2ish years. They moved in together last month and their wedding is in December. I (17m) am dad’s only bio kid. His almost wife has 3 kids of her own. Her kids are younger like under 10, maybe they’re even all under 8 I’m not that sure. They decided they want to do a family unity ceremony and have it be about becoming one family instead of the two of them being a married couple. His future stepkids are excited by the idea and want to take part. I don’t and won’t take part. I already explained to him that I’m not interested and can’t be talked into it. He asked me why and pushed for me to reconsider. He told his wife and she’s freaking out because her kids have this idea that they’ll get a big brother out of this marriage and my dad and her told the kids we’ll be real siblings once the two of them are married.

All of this despite the fact I really don’t know her or her kids. I have really only spent any real time with the kids twice and it was more me trying not to be a dick than me wanting to spend time or get to know them. I think that and I think that’s obvious because I don’t know their actual ages.

Some background to explain some relationship dynamics because I’m sure there are questions. My dad raised me alone. My mom took off when I was less than a year old. I don’t remember her. I don’t remember her being around. Her family wasn’t around or in my life either. I didn’t have a lot of family besides my dad growing up. Except for one of his siblings. And for most of my life dad was a good dad. But when I was maybe 11 he started preparing me for the fact he wanted his own life and travel the world when I turned 18 and I’d be on my own. He talked about how I should not expect to see him very often and to expect we might not see each other for years sometimes and how he doesn’t want to be tied down until he dies. That he would call or answer calls when he wasn’t busy with life. He said some stuff that made me believe he resented the fact he raised me alone and had to change his life for me.

He never actually let up on that. He talked about it so much that we started to fight and I told him I got it and he was done being a dad at 18 and he told me I was being dramatic. I argued that he told me I could go five or maybe even more years without seeing him and he didn’t want to be tied down. That he might even ignore calls so he could “live life”. I told him that sounded like he wanted to stop being a dad. He told me I focused on the wrong parts. When we argued about it other times he said that he wanted the life he missed out on and he wasn’t waiting around for me to be ready. That I’d land on my feet eventually and I wouldn’t be his kid anymore I’d be his peer. Which he then said I picked up wrong.

But basically for years I have been prepared to leave at 18 and not have my dad in it.

Then he met his almost wife and all that talk about traveling the world was gone. He started to become a dad to her kids. He was spending time with them and building a life with them. Eventually he tried to include me but that was only really in the last four or five months. But I’ve ignored it. I did babysit twice for them. Once when his almost wife was rushed to hospital and the second time when his almost wife had a follow up surgery for health issues she has.

My dad has tried to argue that our family is growing and I should be trying harder to be included in it. I told him that won’t happen. And if he wants whatever half assed relationship he planned to have with me before then he needs to accept that. That I’ll come to his wedding if he wants me there as long as he accepts I won’t be a part of that ceremony and if he can’t accept it then I won’t go and he’ll need to accept that.

His almost wife heard us talk it out and she said I’m not taking the 11 good years into it and I’m punishing her children for my dad not being perfect and that isn’t fair to them. She told me a good person would be glad dad decided to stick around and love the new people, especially the kids, and want better for them.

AITA?

And for full disclosure I have about a month to go until I’m 18 and my plan is to move out that day.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Downvoted Commenter: This is a tough situation. I mean NTA for feeling how you feel towards your dad. It has to hurt being prepped to be solo at 18 for so long and then he changes his mind, for her.

However it sounds like your problem is with your dad and you’ve not really gotten a chance to know her or her kids. I wouldn’t immediately throw away the chance to build a strong family unit.

If anything I’d tell him no unless you two do some family therapy to see if you can overcome this.

OOP: I don’t want a family unit with them. I accepted before they came along that I would be on my own and there’s nothing dad can say or do now to change the fact he’ll stay for them but not me. Even therapy won’t make me want to work on overcoming this. I have friends who are more like family to me than he is now.

Commenter 1: NTAH. Your dad set the parameters of your relationship when you were still young and drummed them into your head. Now that his priorities have changed, he acts surprised that you are not interested in a different relationship. Go live your life.

OOP: He must have expected me to be the same upset 11 year old who first found out what his dad had planned. But I knew he was serious so I thought about and planned for when that time comes.

11 year old me was so sad and worried. It felt like nobody wanted me. My mom hadn’t wanted me and left and my dad was basically saying he regretted sticking around to raise me and would leave once he wouldn’t get in trouble for it. I had no idea what I was going to do.

Commenter 2: If those are the only resolutions you’re willing to accept then that would make you TAH. You’re essentially just saying you have no interest in being a family and that will 100% cause an everlasting crack in your family even if you ever decide to be part of the family again

However your 100% justified in how you feel, also how your father’s words and actions made you feel. That there is no denying how shitty that is. However, his intentions might also include the fact that he could die tomorrow and you’d be left alone. It makes me think that his words and actions wanted to also prepare you to be able to survive on your own since you don’t really have any other close family to rely.

To me, the circumstances have changed a lot and it really sounds like both his soon to be wife and your father want you to be a part of their family unit. At least for now…

If you’re adamant that you never want anything to do with this new part of his family or your father then go along with the ultimatums you’ve set for yourself. Because this is the path you’re setting up for yourself.

OOP: That’s exactly what I am saying. I have no interest in making these people my family. I have no interest in clinging to a man who was ready to discard me and is only changing his plans for new people. Who only tried to include me later on. It’s not like he worked to make up for the things he said and plans he made for all those years.

And he knew I was working to save so I could move out at 18. He knew I was saving to have a life when he wasn’t there. At no point did he say he was sorry. He only ever argued that I saw the worst of what he was saying. But every time he tried to make a new point he made it worse. And I have worked my ass off to be ready for him to leave and it got to a point where I knew that was better because why pretend to see the best in a person who resents me for something I couldn’t control, like being born.

Commenter 3: Can you make a deal like you’ll do it if he’ll pay for college?

OOP: I’m not going to college but no, I wouldn’t do it to get his money or for him to pay for something.

OOP on saving money for when he moves out

OOP: I’ve been saving for years now. I have enough to follow through on the plans I made and then I will work hard when I move to keep my head above water.

OOP’s plans when he is out of the house

OOP: Me and one other friend will be temp renting a place until after graduation and our other friends can settle. Then we’re moving and getting a place together. We’ve talked about it a lot and stuff has started to be set in motion already. Only one needs it like I do but the others are all on board because to them it’s us sticking together and them helping the two of us. But they’re really excited that we’ll all be roommates too.

**Is OOP pla…

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1k2npfe/aita_for_telling_my_dad_he_has_to_decide_between/