This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/detrans by /u/ButchOphelia on 2023-10-03 16:32:11.

Hello,

I wanted to share my story in case it helps anyone in any way. Not looking to complain, just to share what I’ve been through (so far) for anyone considering detransition or any professionals who want to understand the medical situation that some of us go through.

I was on T for 3 years and had top surgery before deciding to get a full hysterectomy. At 3 years on T, I had persistent cramping pain from my uterus – This, and the idea that I wanted to have phalloplasty someday, was what pushed me to getting a hysto.

I was unsure about leaving the ovaries in or taking them out, and to be perfectly honest, I was not in a position where I was well-informed enough or emotionally ready to make the decision that I did. I had them removed as well. I was 25 at this point.

After surgery, I woke up not being able to use the bathroom. It was like my bladder muscles had completely seized up. This continued on for the next couple of months, while the surgeon put me on multiple rounds of antibiotics, assuming that I had a UTI. I didn’t. Eventually I stopped taking them, and just hoped it would get better on its own. About a year later, when it had improved some but not a lot, I got put on Vagifem. This seemed to help some. Eventually I decided to lower my testosterone dosage to see if that helped, and it seemed to be good for relaxing those muscles a bit.

At the same time, something went weird with my eyesight. I don’t know if this was due to antibiotics or hormone changes. I developed trouble with focusing my eyes properly, dry eye, and inflammation in my eyes. 6 years later now, I have glasses that help some with the focusing, but I imagine my eyes will never be the same again. I just don’t see how I used to, is the only way I can explain it.

6 months after surgery, I had a flare-up of Crohn’s Disease. I had been diagnosed with a lesser form of it before starting transition, but it had never been as bad as it got after surgery. Thankfully, with diet and lifestyle changes I was able to get better over the course of a couple years.

Shortly after that flared up, I started having chest pains, which I went to multiple hospitals and cardiologists for, and which they couldn’t help me with. Everyone chalked it up to anxiety, didn’t see anything wrong with my heart. I do have anxiety, but only since all this started happening.

Along with the chest pains, I also started to develop over time a consistently fast heart rate, on and off high blood pressure, and shortness of breath. All attributed to anxiety. I still don’t know if this is true or not, or if it’s actually just the testosterone.

At this point, I fully believe that transition was a mistake. I was too young and uninformed to be able to make the decisions I made in my early 20s. I realized pretty quickly after surgery that I would rather be a healthy woman than an unhealthy man.

I don’t know if it’s even possible for me to get on estrogen at this point, or if I should just continue on as I am. I don’t know how to find a doctor that can help me. And I worry that I’ll die young from cardiac problems.

I have insomnia and wake up with my heart racing from the anxiety after only a few hours. I get depression, lose my appetite, and have lost a ton of weight. Panic attacks galore.

Despite all this, I’m still alive, and I’m working on having compassion for myself. The decisions I made were what I believed to be the right ones at the time, given my mental state and the information that I had available. I shouldn’t have been able to make those decisions, but I was, and so it’s not entirely my fault. Regardless of my medical future and what gender people perceive me as, I’m hoping I can someday find a new normal, where I feel more stable and can get some semblance of my old life back.

To anyone considering suicide, as I have been, please just give yourself more time. The world is bigger than the problems you’re dealing with right now. The world is still beautiful. It’s full of music, and art, and people, and animals, and nature, that can help you heal. The problems with your body may never be able to be reversed, and I deeply understand the pain of that. But keep going. Make your own path. Find joy in the simple things. Live however you need to live right now, and later on down the line I believe new opportunities will become available for you to get back to who you want to be in the world.

My mantra now is to do no more harm. Which includes psychological harm. I no longer want to beat myself up for things that I can’t go back and change. I want to fully accept myself as I am, imperfect as I am, and become whoever I’m still meant to be in the future. I believe there’s still a purpose for being here, if only to share my story, to bring happiness to the people in my life, and to see as much of the world as I can.