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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/fartmitten on 2023-10-03 05:42:08.

This is a positive reflection/update for the most part. Just want to let people know, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I was not healthy prior to the infidelity, mentally or physically. I had a very traumatic childhood, which I never got therapy for. I abused alcohol for many years. I also over ate and cared very little for my physical health. During the pandemic I became work from home and got even more depressed and gained more weight and starting abusing alcohol even more. In the summer of 2022, I discovered that my wife was sexting other men, and at the very least hanging out with them. She maintained that nothing physical happened, but that’s not important at this point.

I freaked out. I was at my lowest point ever. I couldn’t even go 30 seconds without intrusive thoughts. I was on the verge of doing something terrible. I finally sought professional help. I saw a therapist who did talk therapy with me and also referred me to a psychiatrist. I scored as badly as you can possibly score on the depression test. I started taking sertraline for my depression, PTSD and intrusive thoughts. I also started seeing another therapist for EMDR therapy for my PTSD. And my wife and I both started seeing a LMFT for couples therapy.

Now, there were many hiccups on the road to recovery. It’s kind of funny to look back on now, but my wife did literally the opposite of what you’re supposed to do during reconciliation. I read several books about reconciliation and watched hours of videos about affair recovery. There was one video I watched that was like “these are the worst things you can do in recovery”, and she did literally everything on the list. My friends that I reached out to for advice all said to divorce. Even my therapist told me during one of my sessions “I’m not your couple’s therapist, but if you want my opinion, RUN”. But you know what, I didn’t run. I stuck by her side and I feel like we’re both in a better place for it.

Since treating my depression, I’ve started focusing on my health. I went to the doctor for the first time in about 15 years for a physical exam. I started to count my calories, eat healthier, exercise, and quit drinking. I’m currently 8 months sober, 70 pounds down on the scale. I’m in the best shape of my whole life. I ran two 5k’s last month. I go to the gym and lift weights about 5 days a week. I went to the doctor again last week and got my bloodwork done again. My blood pressure went way down, my cholesterol went way down, my blood glucose improved, triglycerides improved, my snoring improved.

In an odd way, my wife cheating on me saved me. It gave me a wakeup call that I didn’t know I needed. If that didn’t happen, I’d probably have kept up all my bad habits. I was on the road to heart disease, diabetes and sleep apnea. And if you’re wondering about her, she’s doing great also. She is also going to the gym for the first time in her life, she’s also lost weight and has been sober with me. She hasn’t drank alcohol or smoked weed in about 8 months either. She really benefited from the therapy too. It took a while, and yes there was a few months at the beginning that she was still denying, deflecting, and projecting, not taking responsibility for her choice. That was the roughest patch. But after about 6 months of couples therapy, her defenses finally came down and she became really open and remorseful.

It was a bad experience for both of us. BUT, we’re both healthier now. Both physically and mentally. And our relationship is stronger now than it was before.

Edit to add a couple things. We have no plans for splitting up now, but even if we did, I could handle it now. If we split up before, I would have probably drank myself to death or done myself in another way. Now I’m happy, more confident than I’ve ever been before in my life. Actually my wife got the worst of it. My suffering is over, but she’s still dealing with ongoing remorse and lost some friends over it. That’s the only negative we’re still facing is judgment from other people.