This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/twoxchromosomes by /u/SatanBakedCookies on 2023-10-05 01:57:20.

I have had a tumultuous last few months. I had a surgery I’m still recovering from, work and school stress, and I have had my period for about a month. I haven’t been eating right and I’ve put on 10 lbs. I feel so gross and unsexy. He compliments me a lot and I appreciate that, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am lethargic and quite frankly overwhelmed.

He’s been so nice. We have known each other for a very long time but only recently started dating, and I was very upfront about the fact that these next few months might be chaotic (and I was right), but he was very much up for the challenge! I’m grateful for him and the support he has offered me. We have lovely talks and I feel our emotional intelligence is quite equal - which has been super refreshing.

But… he’s a very sexual guy. He used to tell me that his ex didn’t have sex with him for a year and he put up with it because he didn’t want to be demanding, but he’s since realized that sex is very important to him in relationships. Cool. Valid. Accepted and understood. Though I’ve come to find out that he is just … very easily turned on? Like I won’t be doing anything enticingly, won’t have said something suggestive, and certainly do not look alluring in the slightest, and he still wants to jump my bones! I’m flattered, truly, but I’m starting to worry about it.

I’ve been sick and achy the past week, and haven’t been feeling great overall for the past two or three. Today he came over for a little bit and we chatted about the therapy session I had this morning. His libido was something that I had mentioned and I wanted to bring it up to him. I told him that I appreciated his patience with me while I’ve been feeling not so “touchy-kissy” lately and I know it’s probably not fun. He smiled and said that he can be good, he can keep his hands to himself, etc. We joked for a little bit and all was well.

Until it wasn’t. He started getting grabby and husky, saying that he’s been so good for so long and a guy can only hold back so much. He’s always a bit playful about it because that’s how we are with things, but I could tell he was serious. I instantly knew where this was headed and my heart sank. We JUST talked about how awful I was feeling! And how sex was just so far from my mind! I try to get up and leave (again, somewhat playfully but also while I told him “no thank you“) to demonstrate that I wasn’t interested, but he forced me back on the bed for gropey cuddles.

I just started taking my clothes off. Give him what he wants and then he’ll be happy and leave me alone, right? Not long into it he sense my heart isn’t really in it and asks if I want to stop. I say no and start pretending to be more into it. He asks if I want my vibrator several times but I say no. He tries to do something he knows I don’t like, and after I told him to stop, he says he’s just “touching it” instead. Eventually he finishes, I get off him, and I start cleaning up while putting my clothes back on. I give him a towel for the shower and sit on the sheet-less bed.

He comes back in and the air feels tense. He makes a joke and I can’t look him in the eyes. He then says that he appreciates that I did that for him, but he’d rather have a heads up next time that this was my intention, as sex should really be for “both of us.” He doesn’t want to feel like he’s forcing me to do something I don’t want to do.

But that still feels like a no-win type scenario. We don’t have sex because I am really in poor shape and don’t need or want it, but then he resents me for the lack of it. Or! I give in to keep him satisfied, but then he’s upset because I’m not enthusiastic. I honestly feel like I could never have sex again and be completely fine with it after today.

I’m tired of the expectations. I realize I’m not the best at communicating (hence the therapy), especially in this kind of situation, but can they not tell? Do they really always need a verbal “no” to know? Even if you do communicate how you are feeling, evidently there’s still room for interpretation or negotiation. Compromise is important, I realize, but what does that even look like?

If you read this, thank you. Let me know if you have any thoughts or if you have felt a similar way.

Edit: he’s a good communicator in instances like this and he likes to prioritize my pleasure, which is why he asked about the vibrator. He wanted me to enjoy it, too, and only engage when I want it, or at least tell him I’m only doing it for him beforehand. I think this is reasonable.