This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/Revolutionary_Row313 on 2023-10-04 12:04:01.

Today marks exactly 3 months since the truth about the man I was became exposed. 3 months since I broke the heart of the person I love. 3 months since she drove me to my parents house and made me confess to everything. 3 months of reflecting, of worry for her, of waves of guilt and shame.

I’ve shared my reflections a few times here so I’m going to try to not repeat too much.

We have seen each other 3 times since then, and at this stage are not actively reconciling. She is aware of my strong intentions to reconcile, and I am aware she is leaning towards permanent separation. I have a 10 page letter ready to give or read to her when she is ready, filled with apologies not only for the betrayal, but the other ways I failed her as a husband leading up to it, I share my intention to love her in a truly unselfish way, for the first time ever, and I share that I will respect her decision but always love her from a distance should she choose that.

I love this woman, I always have, but my love of self won out when it truly mattered. In those critical moments I thought of me not we. I know she had people who would’ve died to be in my position, but she knocked them back because she loved me unselfishly. I on the other hand chose the easy , selfish way and went to see sex workers because I felt stressed or sad. How backwards is that. I was so incredibly selfish. I choose to love unselfishly every day moving forward. I choose to be open, vulnerable and forthcoming every day moving forward.

I look back on my deluded paranoia of her leaving me, and can’t believe the state of my mind. I was convinced she was leaving me and hated living with me, when she showed so much commitment to be with me. I convinced myself I had to be perfect around the house, at work, with family and socially, but she never asked for that, she just wanted to be married to me, her best friend, her partner in crime, a guy that she knew wasn’t perfect, she just needed honesty, loyalty and unselfish love. She agrees that my brain was not okay in this period.

Unfortunately my decision making and coping was an absolute disaster and I allowed myself to do horrible things. I was given chances to come clean, and the most horrible thing were the lies, the denials and the half truths.

I am now the risky option. But I also believe I’m the safest option. I understand it takes enormous strength to leave, and to stay. I hope she stays but with the way I acted, I would understand if not.

Even initially post dday I handled things horribly. I love bombed, I begged, I tried to self-justify, I reached out only when I needed comfort. I handled everything poorly.

Becoming vulnerable and developing emotional intimacy with her when seeing each other recently has been so powerful the times, and I regret not being open, forthcoming and vulnerable sooner. It’s rewarding to be so open with someone and I can only imagine that deeper levels of emotional intimacy would make physical intimacy even better moving forward, if we ever got to that stage. I compare the beautiful times we shared and I hope to share once more, to the meaningless, unsatisfying encounters with sex workers and I grow even more disgusted by my actions. It’s been encouraging that she’s told me she can see I’ve changed, but I realise that may not be enough for her to give me a chance at a future together.

I see how strong, kind and beautiful she is. More than ever. She has shown more kindness to me over this period than I ever could deserve. She has got on with life and is doing amazingly well with a new apartment, a new job and she’s looking after herself physically, mentally as well. I will cherish every moment I’m allowed to be in her life and communicating with such a wonderful woman.

Something truly powerful has been the love shown to me. I was so scared of my family discovering my issues with porn for a long time, they ended up discovering even worse. I anticipated shame, anger and hatred. They were initially shocked and angry at me, but they chose to love me. Being loved by someone even after they know the worst thing about you, is so humbling and it might be blasphemous to say, but Christlike. As would my wife giving me another chance.

I am confident that with what we have both worked on, that if we gave R a chance, that we would do well. We would build a healthy, strong relationship on the foundations of emotional intimacy, deep connection and understanding of each other.

I don’t know if she knows my reddit account, or what I’ve been saying. But by miracle if you’re reading this BP, just know that I love you so much. I’m becoming better. I’m proud of you and I want you to be happy, no matter what that means for me.