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The original was posted on /r/detrans by /u/ChildofObama on 2023-10-05 01:41:58.

It’s been three years since I realized I wasn’t trans, but now, I look back on that ‘journey’ and I realize the only reason it happened in the first place was me being exposed to porn.

I first discovered porn halfway through high school. I was already terminally online, and I got hooked. Both gay male porn, and MTF gender bender porn. That, combined with insecurity about my body (i.e I’m overweight, have scoliosis, chronic acne, and a hydrocele), and identity politics exploding in popularity, got me thinking I might be trans.

My porn addiction continued into college and got worse, to the point where I blurted out something I saw in porn during one of my classes (that was the worst day ever).

Also, at the time, I started attending LGBTQ support groups/events on campus. Since the reasons I was questioning was the ones I listed above, and I had other bad habits that were putting a damper on my health at the time too (i.e bad sleep schedule, procrastination), I felt disconnected from the other people there and wasn’t making any friends within the community. I think they all saw me for what I really was and got the ick, while I thought by surrounding myself with other queer people, I’d have similar experiences to what I saw online.

The one person in that circle I eventually did become friends with was cuz we bonded over a tv show we both watched, not over LGBTQ related stuff.

Then in 2020, when things shut down during my last semester due to Covid, and I was pulled out of that environment abruptly, I realized what I was previously doing was all BS:

I was never trans.

I became an active part of the community for the wrong reasons, and I was being a generally toxic person during those years in general.

I also realized I only attended support groups cuz sitting around and complaining was easy, focusing on schoolwork or being an after school activity where I’d actually learn something requires effort.

I used those support groups as a venting board where I could say whatever I wanted, and that’s likely why I gave the other members the ick.

Porn is the worst thing you could possibly look at.

I have had many days over the past several years where I told myself I’d never look at porn again, but I always go back. I don’t use it to guide my life choices anymore, I at least learned a lesson in that, but I still look at it a lot. I know I need to stop, I just don’t know how.

Thoughts? Any advice would be appreciated.