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The original was posted on /r/detrans by /u/ButchOphelia on 2023-10-05 21:32:44.

One of the most difficult aspects of transition for me has been the constant anxiety about whether or not I’m passing.

The constant fear of other people perceiving me as trans. Every day, checking my outfit to make sure none of my feminine qualities are too noticeable. Being so careful with clothing and the way it fit. I didn’t want to stand out. Didn’t want anyone to even think about me. I couldn’t even wear graphic t-shirts because I was so paranoid about what other people might think about them, or that they would say something about it.

The dislike of my body wasn’t made better by transitioning, it was intensified by trying to pass, because I kept finding new things that didn’t “fit” with being a man. Men’s clothes were not made for my body. Even many years into transition, I had to find clothes that created the right illusion of having been born male.

The other anxiety is about fitting into the illusion of a male identity. I was not born male. I’ve had many interests and qualities and relationships with people over the years that are typically “female”. My experiences were “female” experiences. I’ve felt since transitioning that I wasn’t able to be fully myself with most people, not able to fully express who I am, who I was, and have them see all of me.

I became slowly more and more uncomfortable with this fact. Feeling like I was living behind a mask, never really letting my full self out. Maybe it’s not something people can understand until they go through it.

What I long for is the days when my body and my brain and my past matched. It feels like they no longer do, which is the opposite of what I expected. I never felt like my life was easy back then, but I realize now how easy and simple it truly was. I just didn’t understand. I was young.

People talk as if transitioning is a process of making your “body match your brain”, but in reality, it’s the opposite. You become less and less connected to your past, less and less connected to your body itself, less connected to the things that make you you.

And the longer you spend doing it, the farther down the road you go, the more disconnected you feel from the person you used to be. And then what?

Now, I’m looking for a way to move on. In this body, in this identity, as it currently is. I know it will be possible somehow. Life is still a great gift, and there’s so much beauty in it and in the world.

For anyone going through similar things, don’t give up on yourself. Don’t give up on life. Don’t give up on finding a way forward. It will be there if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other.