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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/WinterL22 on 2023-10-05 21:44:53.

As the title suggests, my husband (31) is leaving me (30) and my 18 month toddler to go on a trip with his mother while our house is being renovated.

Background: We were waiting for our home renovation permits for 2 years (delayed via pandemic) and we finally started to work on the place this year. I got pregnant during that time and gave birth to my son a year a half ago. I was going to return to work, and have my parents look after him. However, my parents are overwhelmed and elderly to take on a toddler full time, so I decided not to work and take care of our son.

This November our home will be completed (there were delays) and we can finally move in. However, my MIL wanted to go back home (China) to see her grandparents and take a vacation with them to Hawaii in November. Since my MIL is recovering from a minor surgery, my husband wanted to accompany her.

I told him ‘no’ because we’re going to move in during that vacation time and we can’t pay for two homes (We borrowed a mortgage for renovation and are leasing a place now). He insisted that he needs to go help his mom and this is the last vacation he can travel with his grandparents.

I would be a bit more lenient if that was the reason, however his extended family is going on the trip too (+ 5 people) so there would be plenty of help. I told him that he shouldn’t go and that I needed him here. He brushed off my concerns saying that my parents can help with toddler while he is gone and I can manage the renos and moving on my own.

That turned into a heated argument and he ended the conversion with ‘You can’t stop me’. Since then he has been stonewalling and not helping me take care of the toddler.

I just don’t know what to do now.

Info: My husband is the type not to speak up about any ‘weakness’ or ‘needs’ that he has. I do admit that these last two years, it has been the toddler’s needs over his. I myself haven’t had much time ‘self’ time, while he had time for recreation and video games since I take on a majority of the mental load. I don’t think it is out of jealously and I know why he wants to see his grandparents since he adores them. It is more along the lines (to my belief) that as a father, his wife and son should be priority. I do understand that he wants to see his grandparents, and if it was any other time, I would have said ‘go on a head’, but I need him here. It is just bad timing for the vacation and he just wanted to go.

Info: Yes, we are paying for two homes but we cannot afford it since our mortgage rates have increased and we need to delegate the funds to the new home.

Info: Initially my parents were going to take care of our toddler until he turns 3. But after taking care of him for a few days straight, they realized it was taking a toll on them, so I took over. However, I really need to work to support the mortgage, but my husband doesn’t want to pay for childcare since my parents are retired and can do it for free. I asked him multiple times if his family can help and each time he says no and our conversation ends there.

Info: Just for clarification I did not outright say ‘no’. I informed him that the vacation period was during the move in/home completion time and that he should prioritize that first. He stayed silent, which meant he understood. However, it was not until that his family finalized the dates that he bought tickets for the trip. He knows how important having our own home with our son is, but as many responses say, I am not that high on his hierchy.