This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/tipsana on 2023-11-03 22:22:05.

---

I am not the OOP. Originally posted by u/Throwwaaway22 (who has since deleted their account) to AITA a year ago. Update was added to OOP’s original post. Also, a summary of this was posted last year to r/weddingdrama by u/BJintheRV, and that poster included a final comment by OOP’s BF that I will append to this post.

TRIGGER WARNING: RACISM

ORIGINAL Originally posted in 2022

Throw away account although my sister in law will probably recognize the story anyway so I don’t know why I even bother. I don’t think what I did was an AH move at all but maybe the timing was a bit off but No, I don’t think I’m an AH full stop

My (f27) sister in law (f30) got married last weekend. She’s my long term boyfriend’s (m32) sister. They’re white and I’m Middle Eastern. And a dark one with raven black hair. She was looking for a photographer that didn’t bankrupt her so I suggested a friend of mine who’s new in business and charged less than half because these things cost over € 5k these days. She was excited and I set a group chat with her and my photographer friend. We talked a little and later they met and they started messaging directly to each other.

The wedding was amazing and everything went smoothly. I was one of the guests and she seemed happy. The next day they went off to their honeymoon. I don’t know if it was by mistake but instead of texting the photographer directly like she’s done for the past few months she texted him to our old iMessage chat. She thanked him but had a favor to ask him and wondered wether he could retouch some asymmetry in the (flowers archway? I’m sorry I don’t know the right terms in English) but also if he could take me off some photos because I’m too dark and ruined the color palette. Not all pictures. Just the ones she’s in.

I texted back are you kidding me?

She didn’t answer. I took a screenshot and posted it on my insta story tagging her in it. She called my bf crying her eyes out calling me an ah for embarrassing her and ruining her honeymoon. Bf thought it was a low blow. I was blinded with rage when I did it but even now I’m calm I still don’t feel that I was an AH. But people have been contacting her apparently asking if she really wrote this. She’s so beautiful and successful so please don’t blame it on jealousy or scare of being outshined.

UPDATE (posted shortly after original post)

1. Sister in law is still on her honeymoon so I haven’t talked to her yet but she’s bombarding my bf demanding that I apologize and make a new insta story with my apology. More people got involved including my Bf’s mother that thought I was way out of line ruining her daughters wedding. I have also got contacted by my sister in law’s friends, some of them told me stories about what she’s been talking about me behind my back. Yeah she got what she deserved. The amount of her friends that weren’t surprised at all with her text made it clear for me that I wasn’t wrong.

My sister in law is self employed with some foreign customers thats why she’s taking it so hard because she’s scared that would affect her career. I don’t feel like I need to save her career should something bad happen to it.

2. My photographer friend did what he was told. Thats the only right way imo. Being professional and not confuse work with his own values. He asked me if I wanted him to say something and I said no. I also asked him not to tell me what they’re texting since she’s his client so he shouldn’t break confidentiality. He’s just starting his career and he will meet worse brides. She was at least nice to him throughout their interaction.

3. now to my bf. As I said he thought this whole thing was uncomfortable. I told him if he wanted to be with me he needed to discuss uncomfortable topics. He opened up and it was actually deeper than this. This has happened before. His uncle is very rich and for his 60th birthday he had a very big party. As a thank you we received thank you cards with our pictures on it professionally taken. I remember this picture because his uncle had a “red carpet” moment when guests were photographed upon their arrival. Later we went to my bf’s mother to see the rest of the photos and I wasn’t in any of them. I thought it was funny how I literally evaded being caught on camera. I never mentioned this or even reflected on it and while my bf and his family were looking at the pictures and discussing the evening it was just so normal and no one mentioned something out of the ordinary. Today he told me that I was photoshopped off the pictures. Everyone in his family knew it but me. At the time they just thought the uncle could choose whoever he wanted to have in his pictures and they moved on

-but you all kept it from me

-yes

-so you must’ve thought it was hurtful

-i did, I asked my family not to tell you

-and we continued going to that uncle. Celebrated some Christmases, Easters and vacations with him?

Silence

-you didn’t feel offended on my behalf?

Silence

-and now you think it’s okay that your sister is doing the same?

-I didn’t think of it that way I know my sister. She nit a racist.

-if it wasn’t racist why is she feeling “embarrassed” now?

Silence

-you think what she did was alright?

-of course not!

-will you just stand and watch when this happens to our children

-OF COURSE NOT.

I know my bf very well. He’s very kind and I never felt he was racist in anyway. I know he’s not stupid and is aware of these things which makes it worse because it just means he doesn’t care enough. I asked him why he didn’t care enough and he said he was so sorry but he knows me to be a strong girl that never let these petty things affect her. He’s right, I normally ignore 99% of the racism and micro aggressions I face in life and even laugh at the ignorance. We even discussed this before. But does being strong mean that people are entitled to try to hurt me? Because I usually don’t let them? Does it mean I wouldn’t appreciate to feel the support of my bf having my back? Don’t strong women deserve being supported by their loved ones and feeling safe and loved? He couldn’t answer this.

I told him that I never want his sister in my life again or his uncle and probably not his mother either if she still wants me to apologize. I don’t want to surround myself with people like them and especially when I have children and I asked him if he’s willing to live like that. I asked him not to answer me now and think about it. It kinda felt like an ultimatum and thats bad but I didn’t know how to handle the situation better.

I never thought of myself as someone who’s petty or that makes ultimatums. This experience taught me that I’m both🤷🏽‍♀️

And thank you for the NTA judgment <3

BF’S FINAL COMMENT

This is the rightfully very much hated boyfriend speaking……

I have read both posts and all your comments on the update. I’m overwhelmed with the amount of support my girlfriend has received. Overwhelmed and ashamed that total strangers on the internet, have shown my girlfriend more support and love than I ever have. The person who’s supposed to be the closest to her. I have failed to support my girlfriend and be her rock but my only excuse is that I never done it out of malice. I thought I was protecting her from being hurt. I was wrong and I’m so sorry about that, but if there’s any consolation, I did it out of love for her.

There’s no excuse for my passivity, there’s only an explanation and it’s thus: because of my privilege I made the wrong assessment of the incidents and deemed them albeit hurtful, not really serious or harmful. I deemed them to be pathetic, ridiculous and petty. I was wrong and I will not pretend that I need to be “educated” on racial inequality because I should have known all of these things already. I can only promise that I will have her back and be more active and alert moving forward. I choose her any day of the week and I will have a talk with my family and make them apologize to her. And it’s her decision to forgive them or not but I choose her. It was never really a choice to begin with. She’s my future wife and the mother of my future children. I have known this for years.

I’m so sorry.

EDIT: I forgot to add this awesome comment from the OOP regarding her BF:

He says he knows his sister and she isn’t racist because she dated an adoptive kid from Bangladesh when she was 16. I asked him if he thinks thats like a vaccine. She has antibodies in her blood now recognizing brown because… Bangladesh

REMINDER I am not the OOP. I’m marking this as concluded as the associated accounts have been deleted.