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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2023-11-04 05:00:57.
I am still not the Original Poster. That is That is u/ExIsADipshit and her other account, u/ExIsADipshit2. She posted in r/AITAH.
New Update marked with *****. You can read my previous BORU here.
Trigger Warnings: child abuse/neglect; threatening behavior; infidelity; harassment
Mood Spoiler: Happy ending, mostly
Original Post: September 1, 2023
I (38F) have a 9 year old son Max and 6 year old daughter Olivia with my ex-husband Dan (35M). Max has severe Autism and requires a lot of care.
I remarried 3 years ago and my husband (Luke) is incredible. My ex (Dan, 35M) has them 6 hours every week. This week this was on Tuesday and as I was away for a funeral, Dan took the day off work to be with them in the morning and evening.
Ex and his girlfriend (Sophie) picked them up as planned at 11AM. My husband took this time play a round of golf with my brother. They finished the game at 4pm, and the golf is 30 minutes from our house.
I got a call at 5pm exactly from Sophie SCREAMING at me about me abandoning my kids. I was confused, and eventually realised Luke wasn’t home yet, so I told her where the spare key is so they could wait for Luke to come home inside.
Unfortunately, Luke’s car had gone kaboom on the motorway and he was in a complete coverage dead-zone. He was able to call emergency services, but nothing else would connect. When the Police arrived, the first thing he did was ask if someone could contact Dan to tell him what happened. Sophie was already on the phone to the Police to report me and my husband for “child abandonment”. They said one of us should have been there and my ex doesn’t feel safe inside our home (?), so they’ve left the kids inside our home and that the Police needed to go and “save” our kids and arrest us.
The Police person speaking to them told them multiple times to turn around and that they were the ones who had abandoned them. This whole time I’m getting messages from Dan saying how this was unfair on him and Sophie and that I’m a terrible parent for leaving them with “someone who doesn’t give a shit about our kids”. At this point I didn’t actually know what was going on, all I knew is that Luke wasn’t home but Dan had found the spare key. At no point did he tell me that they’ve left the kids alone.
Luke got hold of me via the Police and I arranged for a friend to go round there as soon as she could, but the Police already had a unit there after the call with Sophie.
After this, I’ve decided to get try and get his 6 hours a week taken away. I’ve given him so much leeway over the years and this was my limit. Our son is dependent on an adult and our daughter is 6, and the only thing he would say to defend himself is “well I kept up my side of the agreement by bringing them back after 6 hours.”
This has caused a whole other shitstorm, to the point where Sophie sent me messages that the Police are now investigating. Dan hinted he is going to try and get the kids taken into care because of my husband “abandoning” then. I had multiple people ask me why I’m staying with someone who abandoned my children. His parents have threatened to try and gain custody of the children, saying the children need a stable family unit, and calling my husband abusive.
I said “fuck this” and put the whole story, with evidence, on my private Facebook page and people quickly understood. But now I’m being branded a drama queen and an asshole for publicly blasting the father of my children, putting my husband above my kids. I don’t understand how, he’s more of a father to them then Dan is!
I feel like I’ve taken crazy pills, AITA?
Relevant Comments:
Did you mean the police investigating you or Sophie?
“I worded it badly in the post, Sophie sent me messages, and the Police are now investigating those messages. Said some horrendous stuff about my kids and even worse stuff about me. Hopefully enough for me to prevent her from ever being near by kids again.”
More info on police involvement:
“I won’t speak too much on the Police involvement, but I will say they won’t be investigating them being left alone. That’s being handled by a more appropriate service. I made the report about the texts she sent and they are treating is as an ongoing pattern of behaviour rather than a one time event? I’m not entirely sure what they meant by that, but I think they’ll consider other stuff that has happened and lump it all together? I am speaking to an Officer on Monday.”
In response to someone saying you shouldn’t eliminate their father from their life:
I don’t think removing your kids from him 100% is good for your kids.
We’re going to have to politely disagree here. He left them alone in a house and refused to go back even after the Police told him he had to because they weren’t his responsibility beyond that time. If that’s not evidence that they’re safer without him, I don’t know what is.
He chose this path, not me.
They don’t get to choose who their father is.
You’re almost correct, they don’t get to choose who their biological father is.
Heavily downvoted comment, but OOP’s response gives more info:
I’d urge you to hold off on your decision until some time has passed. You want your decision to be well-thought and not reactionary, after all.
It’s been 3 days. Assigning my very rightful anger about my severely autistic child and his 6 year old sister being abandoned to being “upset” is demeaning and dismissive.
How many times is an appropriate number of genuine child endangerment before taking action is appropriate in your world? This wasn’t a mistake, this wasn’t something he regrets. He still thinks he did nothing wrong.
Also, the fact you’re just assuming I’m making a “reactionary” decision and “jumping to no contact” on something as serious as the contact my children have with their father? Patronising as fuck.
As for any other behaviour in the past, he has 6 hours a week for a reason. I won’t be going into our history as it’s not required here.
I can’t believe they called the police to tattle on themselves:
"I don’t believe this part of the story, it’s why it’s not in the post, but Luke swears it’s true. I think he’s exaggerating it slightly.
After he asked the Police officer to get someone to contact Dan, they came back and told him about the call from Sophie (based on the address given) and how someone at HQ was trying to tell them to go back to the kids, and said “I’ve dealt with some real bright sparks in my time, but that’s a unique kind of dumb.”"
Did your ex mean he was going to try to take the kids, or that they’d go to foster care?
“He recently moved into Sophie’s place and I remember hearing something about a cold day in hell before she let’s them sleep there overnight. For all his (many) faults, he’s self aware enough to know he can’t look after them. He meant taken into foster care, his parents meant into their care.”
Block Sophie:
“She’s muted. Police said I could block her but they’re looking into her actions being harrasment, so ongoing messages is very helpful to that.”
What did Sophie say in the messages?
“About me, she said I was a shit parent, accused me of neglect, said my car might have an accident, threatened to fight me, accused me of cheating on my ex with Luke, despite him living on a different continent at the time… Just unhinged shit. I’ve had stuff from her in the past but never to this level. I won’t go into what she said about my kids.”
There is no judgement bot, but most of the comments say NTA
Update Post: September 5, 2023 (4 days later)
I immediately forgot the password to the account I posted this on, but I am the OP. I hope that’s ok Mods.
That happened a week ago, post was made a few days after it happened. The post I made on social media had kicked up quite the fuss, but most things have been sorted. For now. And my post is still up telling people what happened.
My brother (Pete) was friends with my ex-husband before we ever got together. He also never really got involved in our relationship, or separation. He’s never really been involved in my life beyond being a good uncle. He’s a nice guy, but we have never been that close, he’s always been closer to my ex, and now with my husband.
When he found out what happened, that completely changed and he put himself right in the middle of it all. My brother was always the “beta” in his friendship with Dan, I always suspected he was scared of him. Well not anymore. He called Dan and ordered him to meet him at Dan’s parents (who he knows quite well). Dan was “advised” that bringing Sophie to this meeting wouldn’t end well for him.
I don’t know exactly what was said, but the result of their conversation is that Dan’s parents are going no contact with him. I don’t like them, they’ve never liked me, but I’ve never doubted…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17ndfxh/new_update_aita_for_defending_my_husband_after_my/
I don’t know exactly what was said, but the result of their conversation is that Dan’s parents are going no contact with him. I don’t like them, they’ve never liked me, but I’ve never doubted they loved my kids and would protect them with their lives. Pete did tell me that Dan made it clear he wouldn’t break up with Sophie under any circumstances, even if it meant he wouldn’t be able to see his kids. Pete explained what happened to my ex-in-laws, that the version of events I posted was true, and went through the timeline/proof. Dan argued and bitched and moaned until his Dad told him to leave.
I think the fact that my brother, who is known for caring about beer, women and sports and nothing else, took this so seriously got the grandparents to wake up.
I spoke to them and although their apology was barely worth hearing, we came to an understanding. I’m not going to allow any visits/contact between Dan/Sophie and my children going forward. Our agreement was informal, no courts orders or anything. If he wants to see them, he will have to fight for it, which I know he wont. Those 6 hours a week are now going to be with his parents, on the condition that if they allow Dan to be around the kids, even once, they will be cut off from our lives. They were fine with this.
Today came and they picked the kids up and spent the day with them. They called me after 5 hours and asked if they could bring them back an hour later than planned. They were having a lot of fun painting and the kids wanted to finish what they were doing. No problem, thanks for checking. I cannot stress enough how much I dislike them, but knowing my kids are with people who want to be with them is such a good feeling.
Dan didn’t even text me asking if he was going to have his scheduled time today.
I spoke to a Police Officer yesterday about the messages sent to me by Sophie. I’m going to gloss over some details, for reasons, but they are moving forward with an investigation. There’s a continued pattern of behaviour, and it has been escalating. She’s made some very specific threats and over the weekend sent me a message that contained information she would only know if she had followed me to where I was at the time. Luke has set up external cameras on our house, including making sure our cars are covered by cameras at all times. Our neighbours know what happened last week, so they’re going to keep a lookout for her as well.
I feel awful that I let this person be around my kids for almost a year, I let her be around them but didn’t know her well enough to spot she was capable of behaviour like this. I spoke to Olivia to ask what she thought of Sophie and she said she was grumpy and not fun, but nothing to indicate she hurt them or anything. This reaction to the whole situation is just unhinged.
Luke has been a star through this. He’s resisted the very strong urge to find Dan and beat him with a Golf club (“He’s not worth replacing a driver”) and made sure the kids know he loves spending time with them. Olivia calls him Daddy anyway, but she knew she was abandoned last week and he’s shown her that he’s here for her. He’s always loved Max and been amazing with him, but I know he’s found it difficult to connect. He asked for advice and I told him just to try things he enjoys and see if Max engages. Well… Max spent 5 hours on Sunday with a golf putter in his hand hitting a ball to the putting machine thing Luke has in the garage, and apparantly he’s a natural. Luke now has it outside as Max became “automatic” in the garage and needed a “bigger green”.
So… I’m now reevaluating my life. Living with one Golf obsessive was barely managable, two may be more than I can endure.
I’m currently typing this looking at Olivia’s painting of a birthday cake. Deranged threats aside, I’m happy with how things are right now.
Relevant Comments:
More on investigation:
"The Police are actively investigating and taking steps regarding Sophie. They have more than enough information to move forward, just a matter of going through the processes now. I don’t know how the system works but I believe there will be an arrest soon.
And no, they aren’t charging with child abandonment, but that issue is being looked at along with the bullshit with Sophie. I don’t know what the plan is from the Police beyond they have all the information. They’re just focusing on the immediacy of her threats rather than what happened last week."
OOP commented on the original BORU post about the police efficiency (September 12, 2023- 7 days later)
“All they’d done when I posted the update was come and see me to take full statement and copy of everything that was sent. Not quite sure where the unbelievable efficiency is in my posts?”
*****Update Post 2: October 28, 2023 (1.5 months later)*****
BORU which includes the first post, which was on an account I lost the password for, and the previous update - https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/16gh2wi/aita_for_defending_my_husband_after_my_exhusband/
Since my previous posts, everything has (mostly) been resolved. I didn’t go into detail at the time, but a lot of what Sophie was sending me was accusing me of sexual infidelity, and had told a LOT of people that I was someone who “fucked other women’s men”. I thought she was accusing me of cheating on my ex with my now husband, but we will come back to this in a bit. She directed people to message me from public posts on her Facebook, one person turned up at my door to shout abuse at me. Between this and other stuff she did, I reported her to the Police and they opened a case of harrasment. I spoke to a lovely Officer who took all the evidence I had and a week later she was arrested and interviewed. Her phone/computer were siezed and she was released with bail conditions to not contact me directly or indirectly.
I was told there was enough evidence to support a prosecution, but at that stage I just wanted to move on and be done with it. Dragging it through court for god knows how long seemed such a daunting and horrible future, so the Police didn’t move forward with prosecution and filed it with no further action, meaning the bail conditions would no longer apply the moment it was filed. I was told this would happen after a review from somebody that wasn’t the Officer dealing with it, which would be between 1-7 days and I would be told when that was completed.
(I’m not 100% sure on the specifics/legalities of this paragraph, it’s just how it was explained to me, I wasn’t involved in any of it directly.)
This was communicated to her, and being the bright spark she is, she immediately messaged my brother something along the lines of his sister being a whore and a waste of Police time. The bail conditions were still in place. He reported this to the Police, not knowing I wasn’t going forward with the whole case. Turns out that where I live, breach of bail conditions is a crime against the government, not the person they were in place to protect. I have no knowledge of what’s going on with that, but I am lead to believe she is in a bit of legal trouble.
After she was interviewed I was informed of what was said about all of this to the Police, bringing everything full circle to the original incident that lead to all this.
Turns out Sophie and my ex were in a “relationship” for almost 2 years while we were still married, with it ending around the time my 6 year old daughter was born, and then reconnected in the last year or so. I had no clue this happened, I’m actually weirdly impressed he hid it so well. Sophie was under the impression we split up a year into their “relationship”, and didn’t know we had a son while they were together. When they reconnected, he told her we had 2 kids, which she wasn’t happy about but “forgave him”. Thing is, my ex told her that my daughter is 8… She is 6. He was covering up lying to her all those years ago about separating from me. I guess this was easier than telling her that not only were we together for the second year of their relationship, but we had a child in that time… I don’t know what his long term plan for this lie was.
The day it all exploded, Olivia had corrected her about her age, and she realised that I had been having sex with “her man” while they were together all those years ago. My then husband… She thinks the moment he told her we had split up, she went from being the “other woman” to the legitimate partner. I’ll go to my grave not understanding that logic. Anyway, she hit the roof and refused to be around his “love child” any more, which lead to the whole issue at my house in the first post. Luckily she didn’t say any of this in front of Olivia.
Dan is still with her. They can have eachother. He’s made it clear he has no interest in seeing either his legitimate child or his “love child”, which is fine. His parents have been incredible this entire time, helping with childcare to the point I have been able to pick up more hours at work. We’ve gotten along much better since they’ve accepted that MAYBE all the bad things they heard about me weren’t true. Still some bad blood there but it’s a much improved relationship, which is great for the kids because they love spending time with them both.
The absolute worst part of all of this is that Max, Luke, my brother Pete, my ex-FIL and Pete’s BIL are now in a weird golfing crew. Max still only putts when they reach the hole, but he enjoys watching the others play the full game. Golf isn’t played in the winter, is it? This ends soon, right? I’m going to hear conversations about ANYTHING else by the end of November, surely?
