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The original was posted on /r/truscum by /u/TwinktheGreat on 2023-11-04 23:37:09.

Disclaimer: I already posted this in transmedical but I’m aware that sub has alot of radmeds so.i wanted to see if I get different opinions here for a more rounded perspective.

I’m a stealth trans man. I don’t pass very well but when I went to college I decided to go stealth because I wanted normal friendships. The college I go to is an art and music college and therefore has a large population of non dysphoric non transioners. I use the excuse of hypogonadism, I thoroughly reserached the condition, and everyone bought it because i dress masculine, have already legally changed my name and my voice and manerisms pass. Only a few of my tutors and a couple people (ill get to this in a minute) at my college know. The admin team and my course leader are aware because my legal sex is registered as female on the system. I wanted to put it as male but decided against it because if there was a medical emergency I wouldn’t want someone to assume I’m male and try and remove clothing to do chest compressions or something. I’d rather be outed than dead. Me and my course leader have spoken about this and we have put things in place for such a situation and they make sure other students won’t be able to find out to maintain my stealth status.

I have a friend there who knows I’m trans because they knew me in the before times. This person is an amab nonbinary person who makes no effort to present androgynously and has no dysphoria or transition plans.

While I’m not sure about where I stand on nonbinary issues I don’t belive this person is nonbinary. I respect thier pronouns cause aside from the tucute shit they are a genuinely good person who I mostly enjoy being around, because they are mature enough to have healthy discussions about transmedicalism and they respect me as a binary man.

Before I started at this college (they’re doing thier second year there) I specifically sat them down and had a conversation that I am planning to be stealth. They agreed to not tell anybody and promised to watch thier language.

One day, I was standing with group of friends laughing and chatting and I bumped into this person who I will call L. L comes up and joins the convo and we talk about college things. I ended up making a joke about me getting bitches cause of my massive knockers, while jesturing wildly like I was holding up massive boobs, typical dude humour. My chest passes and I’m stealth so it was obviously a joke, everyone just saw it as “haha man joking about having boobs”. As if one cue, L then pipes in with “no you don’t, cause you’re wearing a binder”.

Luckily Ls comment got lost in the noise of the conversation but I was super fucking pissed off. I just wanted to talk about this experience cause I knew expressing my anger to L would only end up with them telling me how stealthing is bad and unnecessary again.

About a week ago, my mate (cis het guy, ignorant to trans things) noticed that I had a strap of my binder poking out from my shirt collar and I explained it away as an undershirt cause I get cold easily, cause its full length I pulled my shirt up slightly to demonstrate its just a tank top, so they have ocassionally joked about it being a bra, but theyre tottaly oblivious. They make similar jokes about me secretly being a girl which while incredibly dysphoria inducing I just play along cause getting offended too easily will make them actually suspicious. They just think I have a weird medical condition and as teenage boys do, it’s just banter between mates.

It’s is so fucking wrong for me to want to have a normal relationship with some dude friends? I have never had a friend group who treats me like any other normal guy. And Ls ignorance very nearly ruined that for me. These friends are already a little bit more cautious around me cause they have met my partner and are aware I like men. But if they found out I would lose them, cause they would know I’ve done nothing but lie to them about my life, and even if they didn’t they would 100% stop seeing me as man, cause even though they aren’t actively transphobic, they definitely don’t understand. I am still mad at L even though it’s been a bit. I always feel cautious around them and I barely trust them anymore. Thier comment was completely unnecessary even if I wasn’t stealth.

Edit: so I sent L a pretty long few paragraphs but I went over a few main points 1: a binder is underwear and a medical device, it’s inappropriate and rude to point out 2: pointing our my binder is essentially the same as pointing out my breasts 3: the comment was downright unnecessary 4: they risked my stealth status for litterally no reason