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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/TacoGuyDave on 2023-11-06 09:18:35.

My family was out of town for a week so I made a large crockpot of beans with ham chunks, something my mom cooked when I was a child. I kept them simmering for 3 days and ate nothing else. I played video games and ate beans, for 72 hours. Life was great. Those beans tasted fucking amazing.

The night of day 3, my body felt like it was being taken over by the anti-Christ himself. I got the sweats. I spent so much time on the toilet I felt like I owed it rent. My ass hurt and swelled up so bad I was sitting on ice cubes trying to find relief. Things and smells were exuding from my backside I didn’t know existed nor would I wish on my worst enemy. After trying every medication I could find and experimenting with every homeopathic solution google suggested, I finally went to the emergency room. The doctor in the ER that night looked to be about 28 and was model attractive. After explaining my predicament, I was soon ass up, face down on an exam table so she and the nurse could get a look. As she’s poking the swollen mass that had grown out my asshole and commenting how she had never seen anything like it, I felt a rumble I had experienced many times those past 24 hours and before I could react, I projectile vomited liquid shit from my butthole that splattered all over the table and the doctor, twice. I was mortified.

After getting cleaned up by a male orderly, I was admitted and given meds, which helped tremendously with the physical pain, but the emotional damage was already done. I had another half dozen or so doctors and nurses look at my naked backside for the next 36 hours before I was released. My out of pocket expense for that visit was over $3k, making that the most expensive crockpot of beans to ever exist. I’ll be paying emotionally for the rest of my life.

TL;DR: I ate beans for 3 days straight and ruined my stomach and butthole for week and a doctor and my self-esteem for life.