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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2023-11-06 06:00:33.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Practical-Target6936
I found out my fiancé cheated, two weeks before our wedding. I learned this while at our friends’ destination wedding where I can’t leave and have to play it cool.
Originally posted to r/Marriage
TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity, emotional abuse, threats of self harm
Original Post - October 28, 2023 (Recovered with Wayback Machine)
Throwaway because this is insane. This post is not a creative writing exercise. I wish it was.
I am mostly writing to try and get some relief, since I have no one to tell and I feel like my body is turning inside out. After months of browsing this sub, reading the horror stories and thinking that could never happen to me, I have some content to contribute. Boy do I.
My (25f) fiancé (28f) and I are (were) getting married in two weeks. We’ve been together over 6 years and lived together most of that time. Known each other for 8 years. Relevant, I am a lesbian and she is bisexual. We’ve built a wonderful life together and I was excited to take the next step. I truly thought I knew this person.
I am typing this from the hotel of our good friends’ destination wedding. They got married yesterday, today and tomorrow were supposed to be for fun and celebration in the local area. They have not been so for me.
After the ceremony yesterday my fiancé got rather intoxicated. She fell asleep like a rock after I helped her wash up and get dressed. She was OUT. So I took the opportunity to do something I now regret, but at the same time was probably the best decision I ever made. I snooped through her phone.
I wish I had a better reason for why I did it, some big Sherlock level hunch, but I don’t. I did it because we’re getting married soon and I wanted to see what she was saying to her friends about me and the wedding. She was being a bit more secretive with her phone which made me curious. I did it for the same reason people wish they had mind reading powers.
I searched her texts for my name. Nothing mind blowing and it was actually very positive. I was feeling a little warm and fuzzy. That’s when I got the bright idea to search for the word “sex.” I wanted to see if she talked about our sex life with her friends. Maybe about what she liked the most or didn’t like.
Instead I pulled up texts with a man, a friend of a friend who lives several states away. They sent each other photos and sexted. I kept scrolling up and up until I came across the nail in the coffin: he had traveled to our city so they could meet up for coffee and sex. The evidence was complete as could be, sealed with a selfie of them together that he sent her. She couldn’t even be bothered to delete them.
I hid in the bathroom and shook like I was possessed. It felt like a nightmare and part of me still hasn’t accepted it. So began the worst 36 hours of my life so far.
I couldn’t confront her without causing a scene at my dear friends’ wedding. So I’ve pretended that everything is normal. Not very well, I did have a couple nausea spells I had to explain away. But I’ve been doing the hugging, kissing, laughing, and I love yous all day while we’ve all been trying to have fun at this wedding celebration. I feel like I’m dying. I keep playing the texts over in my head and running through what I’m going to say to her the second we get home.
I thought about staying in the relationship, partially to avoid the total embarrassment of being THAT PERSON who canceled a wedding last minute. But I realized I would be setting up my life for failure if I did. There are several things looking back that are red flags, namely the timeline of when she ended her last relationship before starting ours. She swears she broke it off with her old girlfriend before we started dating. Old girlfriend had a different story that I brushed off when my fiancé insisted that she was insane. The old girlfriend does have issues, but I think she may have been telling the truth about this one. I think my fiancé is a serial cheater.
I hope I have the strength to make it through tomorrow and the 10 hour trip home, as well as to do what needs to be done. Best part is we also work together at the same small company and just bought a house together. Unraveling this will be difficult.
Relevant Comments
MuntjackDrowning: I seriously hope you screenshoted all this and sent it to yourself. I would have the hotel print it all and I would tape them all over the room and surprise her. But…I’m a b!tc#. But I honestly hope you sent yourself copies of the texts so you can legally recoup any financial losses from your wedding. I’m so sorry you are going through this, you don’t deserve it, and you are an exceptional friend to the couple getting married. Hugs my darling 🖤
OP: Thank you kind stranger. The kicker is the 10 hour trip is in the car WITH THE NEWLY MARRIED COUPLE. We traveled with them to help and of course give moral support. They will be singing and celebrating. I’ll probably be in the back with a sick bag.
senioroldguy: How long ago did she cheat? Did you sence a change in your relationship around the time she cheated?
OP: Not at all. That is the scary part. I always thought she was such a sincere person, but she was able to pull off a pretty elaborate scheme to meet up with this guy, and I didn’t suspect a thing. Lied to my face and I couldn’t even tell. Maybe that says more about me than her.
MuntjackDrowning What will make you feel better? Option A-You take the high road, eat s#!t and allow her to spin the narrative. Option B-Oppenheimer nuclear earth, you made your bed now everyone knows its radioactive. You are clearly the more emotionally mature in your relationship, here’s where I’m not a bad person…I want you to take care of you. I don’t want you to lose anything, because of her not being able to keep it in her pants. You are putting aside your suffering for your friends, that tells me all i need to know about you, and I want you to not lose anything. Not your friends, not your money, not your integrity. You deserve better.
OP: You know what, I was debating about contacting our friends directly about the cheating and why the wedding is being canceled, as opposed to sending out a joint “wedding is canceled due to unforeseen circumstances” message, so she could save her reputation. But your comment helped me decide that I need to get ahead of whatever narrative she may spin. This is uncharted waters with her, I didn’t think she was manipulative. I deserve to keep my reputation. Thank you.
Update - October 30, 2023 (Recovered with Wayback Machine)
Please see my profile and the original post for context.
Firstly, thank you all for your supportive comments. I read them over and over during our trip. They really did give me the strength and clarity of mind to do what was right for me in this heartbreaking situation.
The saga continues with my life looking like a shitty movie, with nothing going as I thought it would. We started the drive home Sunday morning with the newlyweds, stopping part way for brunch with the bride’s family. At this point my fiancé had sensed that something was wrong and is getting anxious about why I was being distant.
It all blew up when I (stupidly) left my phone on the table and walked away for a moment while we were waiting for food. She tried to access my phone for some reason (I don’t think it was nefarious, she was right in front of the groom and may have wanted to take silly photos on my phone). In a previous comment I mentioned that I had changed my password to protect the evidence I had. Well she did not appreciate that, not at all.
She immediately spiraled into a panic attack when I wouldn’t tell her why I changed the password. She said “you’ve been acting weird” and “you never change your password.” Without a hint of irony, “are you talking to someone?” was also asked. This was all in front of the groom.
I desperately tried to play it off as I was protecting my Christmas present ideas (normally we allow each other to be secretive with our phones around Christmas). She didn’t buy it. I tried to play it cool for the couple and family, but she began texting me, begging me to talk to her right that moment. Then she began crying. I figured this couldn’t get any more awkward, so I beckoned her outside.
She tearfully asked “did I do something wrong?!” Dear Reddit, the amount of relief I felt when I said “I know what you did. I know about [his name]” is indescribable. Part of me was happy despite the situation, just from the relief of not hiding this knowledge any longer. Like taking out a festering splinter.
She at first acted clueless. That quickly became “he’s just a friend” then “we didn’t do anything” to “we only kissed and texted,” and “it wasn’t cheating.” She denies even now any sexual contact other than kissing. All excuses devolved into repeated begging for me to stay and get married to her. She didn’t even say “I’m sorry” until…
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