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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/Morethanabitlost on 2023-07-08 06:50:16+00:00.

Let me confirm something straight up I was the asshole here and I don’t know how to fix it or if I’m being selfish to even try.

So a few months ago I (33m) met this girl (25f) on tinder through chance even though she lives on the other side of the country. We clicked anyway so had a phone call that lasted 9 hours and during that call we had her plane ticket booked for just a couple of days later. She got here we fell madly in love immediately and were planning a life together. I know people will be thinking yeah just a crush but we have both been around and this was something different for the both of us.

Now to where I fucked up. I was still messaging a girl I had sort of somewhat been seeing and while there was nothing physical since I met this new girl I definitely kept them both hidden from each other even though I had no emotional feeling to the last girl and was legitimately crazy for the new one. The only reason I kept in touch with the old girl was simple… I’m a fucking asshole I needed money (or at least I convinced myself if I didn’t get more the new girl would leave anyway) and I thought I would be able to get some out of her. I know I know how low can you get when I say it out loud I can’t fucking believe I did that.

Anyway of course the new girl found out and after a rough couple of weeks it was clear the trust was destroyed and she flew home and I’m sitting here with no fucking idea why I did what I did. I do know I need to make a lot of changes within myself. I have seen a doctor to get a referral to a psychologist signed up for a online class about cheating in relationships and watched countless videos about narcissists, manipulation, betrayal, why we lie in relationships etc. I am 100% commited to changing these things about myself I hate what I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the girl I fell in love with. She is very stoic and made it very clear that she will never let me see how this has or hasn’t affected her emotionally so I have no idea at all if she misses me or had any desire to ever try and fix things in the future. On the one hand she is very distant and won’t give me so much as a goodnight when I message her at the end of the day. But on the other hand she has said a couple of things that make me think maybe she does want to see if I’m willing to put in the work and make a real change. She sent me videos she thought I should watch, she is supportive of me seeking mental health treatment and the one that got me the other day when I said I understand she must be distant and she responded “and it will stay that way because I have to make you stay motivated”

Now I will do anything I can to have another chance even if it is a long way down the track because I know I have a long way to go before I’m sufficiently changed. But am I wrong to keep fighting for her? Am I being selfish? Does she even really want me to fight for her or is she just being supportive of me changing for my own sake? I wish I knew because if she really doesn’t want me to then I won’t even though it will hurt like hell to give up.

Any and all opinions and advice is appreciated and don’t sugarcoat it I can take the harsh words