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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2023-11-26 06:00:08.

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Maiden_of_Tanit

Originally posted to r/actuallesbians

Thank you to u/PitaEnigma for suggesting this to the BoRU

Outed myself because I was being stupid.

Trigger Warnings: Verbal abuse, homophobia, possible religious abuse, bigotry

 

Original Post - Nov 19, 2023

Background: This is quite complex. I come from a very conservative religious background. My parents are from Algeria and I’m a Kabyle, a group of Berbers (we call ourselves the Amazigh or Imazighen), one of the indigenous people of North Africa. About two years ago I asked my father if he is agnostic (he is) even though my mum is a religious conservative and very Arabised (she tolerates his agnosticism as long as he pays lip service). I never believed in their god or faith but hid it. I did not tell my dad I wasn’t a believer in their religion.

Situation: I recently got off a Zoom call with my dad. He started by asking if I was alone, which immediately put me on edge, I said housemates were around but not with me. He said he was alone in the house. Then he said he wanted to ask me something.

I braced myself, I expected the question to be about religion. I pretend not to have a working webcam when they call so I don’t have to hide things in my room. I had started to refuse to speak in Arabic before leaving for university and had mentioned pro-Berber stuff. I expected this question from my dad.

Instead, he asked if I was lesbian. I wasn’t sure how to respond, I froze up and said nothing. He tried to assure me he wasn’t angry. I didn’t confirm it, I was silent. I didn’t even know what to say to change the subject. There were just thoughts racing through my head. I can’t figured out how tf he even worked it out. I was also on Zoom, I was scared he was recording it.

He kept pushing the issue and I snapped. I told him to leave me alone, I wasn’t gentle, and I hung up. I don’t know what to do. He tried calling me and sent me a text apologising but I’ve basically fucking outed myself in the worst way possible. I don’t even know why I reacted the way I did.

My gf is coming here soon. I’m scared because I’m still dependent, I have contingencies in place like I know how to declare estrangement for university purposes and I worked over the summer holidays so I have savings.

I don’t know what to do, call him back or leave it for a while. If my mum finds out, she’ll try to make my life hell, if her family found out. I dread to think what they’d be willing to do. After uni, the plan was to move to an address they don’t know about and come out about everything before going no-contact.

I’m scared.

 

Relevant Comments

RevengeOfSalmacis: Obviously be careful, but it does kind of sound like he might be trying to be discreet here, and may not be looking to betray your sexual orientation to the rest of the family. If so, it’s still possible the rest of them will work it out in time, but is it possible you may have at least a tacit ally in your corner?

OP: Thanks. My better half said the same. She thinks I def need to calm down, but call him back later and test the water. She said he sounds like he was trying to reach out and connect with me, and he’s probably hurting right now if so.

It’s just my mum’s family contain people who happily hurt me physically over this. I think my father knows that though and definitely wouldn’t want that.

I’m going to call him back tonight. I just need to work out how much I’m going to tell him.

 

Update - Nov 19, 2023

Original post:

So, after my better half came round, we spoke, I calmed down and called my dad back. Glad I did, though it wasn’t entirely good news. He thinks he and my mother are heading for a breakdown in their marriage. I feel bad because part of me wanted this, losing my dad was always going to be harder on me.

He said it wasn’t just one thing that made him click, it was lots of little things he noticed over the years. He said if mum noticed and got angry, he wouldn’t have let her do anything if it came to that but he was glad I was discreet. I turned my webcam on so he could see me again, my pride flag and Amazigh flags in the background.

He apologised for not teaching me Kabyle growing up. He understands that I need to be ready first, as will she, but he hopes to meet my girlfriend one day. I told him I’d like that too, as would she. I told him that I wanted him to call me by my new Kabyle name now, not the old Arabic one I was given when it’s just us and he asked for time to get used to that. I agreed.

He finally asked me about religion. I didn’t tell him about my beliefs, my little altar to Tanit wasn’t in view. I did tell him I was planning to get traditional tattoos. His only request was I don’t get facial tattoos (used to be very common among Berber women). I agreed.

I confirmed I didn’t believe in their religion, I wasn’t dressing in a way mum would consider appropriate, I drank occasionally, and I didn’t practice fasting this year. He was fine with that, he breaks fast when not around mum and drinks, which I already knew. The only thing that upset him slightly was that I destroyed the copy of the holy text I was given. He said that would make mum absolutely livid, but understands if that was something I needed to do. He sounded fairly impressed when I told him I never believed.

He promised to talk to me in Kabyle as much as he can and help me with learning the language. He told me that he was proud of me, always had been, and I just started ugly crying. I apologised to him for my earlier behaviour and told him I will be the best daughter I could be.

I’m so happy now. I feel like a weight has been lifted off me. I think, on some level, part of him is relieved that the marriage is breaking down. I hope so. I told him I’ll support him as best I can.

I love him so much.

Thanks for letting me vent my original fears. I know that the religion my parents belong to is pretty obvious, I feel it’s just a little more respectful to any lurking queer members of it to keep its name out of my post.

 

THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.