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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2023-11-26 06:00:37.
I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Mountain_Impress8795
Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole and r/AITAH
AITA for refusing to accept my husband’s gift because he thinks I’m vain and materialistic?
Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse, verbal abuse, gaslighting, controlling behavior
Original Post - Recovered with rareddit - Nov 19, 2023
I’m (30F) very interested in skincare, fashion, makeup, and other feminine things. I work hard to afford the things that I want. I’m not very pretty but I am well put together and many of my friends compliment me on my outfit or other things I’m proud of. It’s a hobby I enjoy.
My husband S (27M) has always been my biggest supporter. He would listen to me and he’s always surprising me with gifts of things that I’ve been talking about or what I’ve expressed interest in. I’m always appreciative of his incredibly thoughtful gifts and I love them.
A friend of S contacted me and told me that I should stop being materialistic and making my husband buy things for me. She said he complained about it a lot. I didn’t want to accuse S without proof and I looked through his phone. We have open phones but I’ve never wanted to look thru his before. I found countless messages of him calling me vain, materialistic, obsessed with my looks, picky. He also commented that I’m not even pretty enough to be that obsessed with myself Debra times. He was complaining to friends, acquaintances, and people who barely know me. It was so hurtful that I cried for hours.
But I love my husband and I don’t want him to think I’m vain or materialistic. I gave away what I could and resolved to stop purchasing things and stop talking to him about them.
S gave me a perfume discovery set because I had recently gained an interest in perfume. I thanked him but said I didn’t need it.
He was confused and asked what was wrong with it. I told him that it was a lovely gift but I didn’t need more perfume. I said I didn’t want to be materialistic or vain. S said that he had seen my textbook on perfume and that I had bookmarked things and he knew that I was interested in it. He was teary eyed and kept asking what was wrong with his gift and why I didn’t like it. He has been very distressed since. AITA?
VERDICT REMOVED BEFORE VERDICT RENDERED
Update - Nov 19, 2023
I tried to post on the other sub but there was an error. My husband S kept asking me what exactly I didn’t like about his gift and tried to narrow why I didn’t accept it. I told him that his friend messaged me about how I was materialistic and forced S to buy me things. He looked furious. I said that I had looked at his phone and saw that he thought I was vain and materialistic and that I was trying to change that. He looked even more mad and I was tearing up at that point. Then he hugged me and apologized.
He said he didn’t think I was materialistic or vain. He thought my love for my hobbies was cute and inspiring. He loved getting me gifts because I was appreciative and he likes seeing me in things he got me.
I asked why he would say those things if he actually didn’t think I was materialistic or vain or self obsessed. He hugged me tighter and made me promise to still love and stay with him. Then he said that he was already fighting for my attention and affection with my friends, family, and my job, he wasn’t going to compete with others too.
He pulled out his phone and we read his messages together. When I had first read them, I could barely read them because I was so heartbroken but as we read them together, I realized that he started the complaining and the other person would start calling me things and they would walk away with a terrible opinion of me. I started crying again and he apologized and said he never meant it and the other people would already thought people like me were vain and shallow.
In the texts, S also insinuated that only he could get me proper gifts. It’s true that he’s the one person whose gifts were always incredible but that’s because he was very in tune with what I would want, even more than me. I still appreciate other things. I keep every card I’ve ever gotten and I still have the wrapper of a candy my childhood friend gave me. In the texts, it seems like I’m a shallow, picky person that has high standards only he can reach.
I asked him not to talk about me like that anymore. He immediately said yes. He said that he would replenish what I had given away and if I tried to reject it he would see it as spurning his affection. He apologized again and said he never wanted to hurt me.
Relevant Comments
fish0814: Damn, he really doesn’t have much respect for you. If you reject his gifts because of what HE said, then you don’t love him. He is pathetic.
More power to you for staying with that AH. I would never ever talk about my wife like that. No man that actually loved his wife would. Jesus. Then guilt trip you.
If you accept his gifts you are a gold digger and if you don’t then you don’t love him. He has a lot of nerve. You cannot win. Of course you know that already. No matter what, his friends and family will always see you as a gold digger, thanks to that AH.
OP: I can’t win. If I don’t accept his gifts, then I am rejecting him and saying I don’t love him. If I do, then I feel shallow and materialistic. I didn’t feel like this before. S is the only one who gives me gifts regularly so I don’t expect them from others. A few years ago, my friends got me gifts for my birthday and he criticized each one.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.