This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2023-11-26 06:35:03.
I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Wifestolethemoney. He posted in r/TrueOffMyChest.
The first parts of this post were made into a BORU by u/prettiergenghis. You can find that here.
I changed a few formatting things and added relevant comments to the original posts. The new update is marked with *******.
Mood Spoiler: happy ending
Original Post: December 13, 2022
Title: My wife stole our daughter’s college money to fund her shopping addiction and wants me to take the blame
I’m stuck in between a rock and a hard place and I don’t know what to do. And the problem is, I can’t discuss this with anyone I’m close with for privacy reasons.
I’ve been with my wife Andrea[48f] and my stepdaughter Cassie[17f] for 8 years now. I love them both to death, but Cassie is a very brilliant young woman. Recognizing her potential, me and Andrea decided to put together a college fund for Cassie so she wouldn’t be crushed by debt. Over the years, it has amounted to over $200,000. Cassie is aware of this and is banking on it since she’s trying to get into the Ivy League.
To make a long story short, last week, I found out that almost $170,000 dollars of the money was missing from the account. I freaked the fuck out and asked Andrea if she knew anything about it. She teared up and said that she had been spending the money over the years to fund her spending habit.
I was furious, but I had a moment of clarity. I’ve browsed these subs enough to know that an affair was possible so I asked her if she was having one. She adamantly denied it and offered any proof I needed. Social media accounts, emails, her work phone, everything. She offered to show me the receipts as well. There was nothing that popped out as suspicious, and the math from the receipts added up as well so I let it go. But we still had the major problem of the money being gone.
She described herself as a shopping addict, and the money from Cassie’s account was just too tempting not to use. She didn’t make excuses, but offered no solutions.
As stated before, I was beyond furious. She ruined Cassie’s chances at going to college debt free and has changed the trajectory of her whole life. I had asked her to stay with her sister while I tried to figure this out. Cassie was concerned about why she was leaving, but we just said we needed a little bit of space.
I asked Andrea to come back home yesterday and we had an extremely long discussion about how to handle this. She stopped me from talking and asked a favor of me. She asked if I could take a the fall for her. For context her and Cassie don’t get along for a variety of reasons, and knowing how independent Cassie is, she will probably leave right after college if not during. In fact, me and Cassie get along very well and she comes to me for a lot of her issues. Andrea fears this will permanently drive Cassie away and she doesn’t want to lose her.
I told her that before we even talk about that, she needed to acknowledge her mistake and own it. She needed to go to individual therapy, we needed couples counseling, she needed to find a shopaholic support group and that I would be controlling the finances from now on. She said those terms were steep but fair. I said she needed to tell Cassie what she did, apologize and hope for the best. She refused and said she could never lose Cassie. She said I could survive the mistake, but she couldn’t. I told her that in order to even consider me taking the fall, she needs to agree to my terms.
I don’t know what the hell to do. The last thing I want to do is lie to Cassie, but I don’t want Andrea and Cassie to split up forever. And the worst part about this whole thing is that Cassie’s life is ruined either way. And I don’t know how to replenish the money other than maybe borrowing from my 401k. Reddit do you have any suggestions?
Divorce is always an option, but I love Andrea despite her mistakes, and me dating at age 52 is next to impossible.
Edit:
After everyone in here knocked some sense into me, I realized I can’t lie to Cassie, I love her too much and she deserves the absolute truth, no matter how ugly and hard it is.
I will be talking to Andrea and telling her that we need to tell her the truth together as a condition of us staying together, or else I will initiate divorce proceedings and tell Cassie anyway. Also, as someone suggested, I don’t need her trying to flip the script on me so I’ll record our interactions going forward.
Thanks.
Edit 2 (Same Post): December 14, 2022 (Next Day)
I want to thank everyone here for really opening my eyes yesterday. You’re all right, I need to put Cassie first and like I said, I’ll be telling the absolute truth, even if she gets mad at me and disowns me at least I’ll know I did the right thing. In addition, I’m going to pay for her college myself. I can pull money from a couple of places such as my retirement and inheritance so it’ll be okay. If I have to live a little frugally during retirement and work a few extra years then so be it, Cassie is worth it. I honestly doubt her mother is going to sell her stuff so that’s why I’m taking this route.
As for Andrea, I’ve been criticized for wanting to let Andrea off the hook so to speak, but it’s easy to say when really deep feelings aren’t involved. That being said, I don’t think I can stay with her, what she did is horrendous and she ruined our daughter’s future for her addiction. We had a long discussion late last night and I threatened divorce unless she told Cassie the truth. She begged me not to do this, but I put my foot down, and eventually, she agreed, but only if I agreed not to divorce and I helped to repair their relationship. I likely won’t be doing either, she made her bed so she can sleep in it.
So if I have to update, I’ll probably just make a whole new post, thanks a lot guys.
Relevant Comments:
How could you not have noticed? Weren’t you getting a 1099 and noticing less interest?
"To answer your question, I had really nothing to do with the account other than contributing money. I just took her word for it. She showed me statements from time to time so I had no reason to suspect anything. Plus we have separate finances, except for a joint account for household expenditures and bills.
Although Cassie is my daughter, officially I’m only stepdad, so Andrea handles all matters related to her finances unless Cassie asks me for something directly. Also I wasn’t the lone contributor, her grandparents on both sides contributed, as well as my own parents.
I only discovered what was going on when my wife left a statement out in the open. I’m now believing she simply pocketed whatever money she got and doctored the statements. I knew the amount that was supposed to be there because a lot of the money came in the beginning. Her grandparents initially contributed $75,000, mine contributed another $30,000 and the amount that I added over the years."
Don’t take from your savings to pay Cassie back- take from your wife’s:
"I asked her to take money from her account to pay her back, she said protecting her retirement is important to her and that she could take out a loan since her credit is excellent. Surprisingly enough, she doesn’t run up her credit cards, now I know how.
Also I’m hesitant to do this, I understand everyone wants her to fry for this, and I do too. However, if I’m to stay with Andrea, I don’t want her to have to continue working until she’s dead, I would like to enjoy our retirement together. My retirement is very healthy, plus I have a few investments and an inheritance, I could survive the hit.
The most important thing is Cassie gets to go to whatever school it is she wants and not have to worry about it.
The comments are right, I’m not letting Andrea off the hook, she’s going to pay for this and she will be telling Cassie."
Why Andrea and Cassie don’t get along:
"Andrea is a widow, and Cassie took the death of her father very hard since she was so young. According to Andrea a lot of their problems started there out of grief and anger.
Then Cassie grew up and she’s developed into a bit of tomboy, Andrea is a kind of a “girly girl” and doesn’t relate to Cassie dressing up tomboyish. They don’t agree on much, Cassie wants to be an physicist, Andrea wants her to do something that has more money making potential. Plus there’s usual teenage daughter and mother strife. They have screaming matches that I have to intervene in."
Update (17 Dec 22)
Update: My wife stole our daughter’s college money to fund her shopping addiction and wants me to take the blame
I want to start this by thanking everyone who replied to me in the original post. You all showed me tough love and I appreciate that. I even appreciate those who were calling me a doormat, because like I said in the previous post, it woke me up.
I won’t be staying with Andrea.
She’s lied and manipulated me and Cassie for far too long for me…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1843mz3/new_update_9_months_later_my_wife_stole_our/