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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2023-11-26 06:38:46.
I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Necessary_Light_6626. She posted in r/AITAH
Thanks to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for the recommendation.
Trigger Warning: child neglect
Mood Spoiler: entitled people act entitled
For clarity’s sake- the children in this story:
Luke- legally OOP’s son (biologically OOP’s nephew)
Justin- biologically (and legally lol) OOP’s son
Emily- OOP’s niece (Luke’s biological sister, but legally his cousin)
Original Post: August 31, 2023
When I (43f) was 18 and when my sister (47) was 22f at the time had my nephew (let’s call him Luke) with her then bf (now husband). My sister and her husband didn’t have any interest in Luke when he was born so I took the role of taking care of him. I got my grandmother (she’s an angel) to watch him while I was in my last year of highschool in exchange for me cleaning and cooking for her on the weekends.
My parents weren’t much help either, they would give me about $100 a month for Luke, and if you have a kid then you know it’s not much. Me and my grandmother were the only ones to take care of him. A year after I graduated from highschool I was kicked out with my nephew because my parents, sister, and her husband didn’t want to deal with us anymore. My sister said she wished she never gave birth to him. I immediately went to my grandmother and we went to a family law attorney and I got custody of him and my sister and her husband signed their rights to me.
I lived with my grandmother and when I went to community college and my part-time job she watched my son (Luke). It was a lot of work especially when my grandmother passed away when my son was 6. My grandmother left 90% of her things to me in her will, which caused my parents and sister to reach out to me under false intentions to meet my son and I to reconnect. That didn’t last long and I told them they could either act right or never see us again. My dad decided to actually reconnect with my son and I and now we’re close, while my mom and I don’t really talk much but she treats Luke nice. When Luke was 8 both me and my sister became pregnant and that’s when my sister decided she wanted my son back and started to tell him that me and my husband wouldn’t love him anymore once my “actual” son came along.
My husband met my son when he was 5 and we were already together for a year before he met my son. My husband treats Luke like his and we got married when my son was 7 and adopted him when he was 9, with my son’s permission. We found out that my sister was saying this when one day he broke down crying asking us not to leave him after we told him that would never happen. He explained what my sister and her husband were saying. Luke knows that he’s not my biological son but he is my son.
After that I cut contact with my sister and her husband again and did family therapy and individual therapy for my son. When I had my son (1 pregnancy, 2 children) I made it clear that our love for him (Luke) didn’t change. When my sister reached out about two years later I decided to go low contact with her with the okay with my son and husband.
My husband and I live comfortably while my sister and her husband struggle sometimes financially. My kids did extracurricular activities, got the presents they wanted, and went on one big family trip in the summer. While my sister and her husband couldn’t afford much, so when my niece was around 9 my sister started making comments about how I needed to pay for this or that for my niece but I told her it wasn’t my job. I gave my niece the gifts she wanted, took her out from time to time but nowhere near how I would treat my own kids.
Now my son (2nd) is turning 17 and my husband and I were talking about getting him a cheap starter car. We did the same for Luke when he was 17. My niece is also turning 17 and apparently my sister told her she was going to get a car too. The thing is my sister can’t afford to buy her a car so she asked me to but I told her I wasn’t going to buy her a car. That I didn’t promise her one and that it’s not my job to get her one. My sister then got mad and didn’t talk to me for a while.
When my son’s 17th birthday came around we surprised him with a car. My niece then called me a couple of days later screaming and crying asking me why I hate her and why I can’t treat her the same as her brother. I calmly told her things were different, her brother is my son while she is my niece. I’m her aunt and nothing more, that as an aunt my job was birthday presents, Christmas presents, and showing up when it mattered, that was it. That her brother will always be more to me than she’ll ever be. Then my niece started yelling at me again telling me that I’m being unfair and hung up.
My sister then called me to berate me about how I need to do more, I told her if she wouldn’t have promised a car to her or my money to my niece no of this wouldn’t have happened. It’s been a couple of days and I’m getting calls from some family and some of my sister’s friends calling me a bitch and some other things. I do feel bad because my kids did grow up with more and I guess I could have helped more.
So AITA for what I said to my niece?
Relevant Comments:
Why would courts allow a teenager to have custody?
“I was 19 when i got custody. With them fine with signing over their parental rights and I proving that I can provide for him gave the courts no reason to not give me custody. It was months of proving I could provide for him. I still had people come to my grandmother’s house and see where we lived and to make sure that I could provide a safe and stable environment.”
Why do you maintain a relationship with these people?
“Because she had my niece but mainly talking to my dad about it. It’s why I maintained low contact, we only really talk when big holidays and birthdays come up.”
“I have very low contact with my sister as it is. The only time we’re around each other is certain people’s birthdays and big holidays. I always put my son first, it’s why I never truly let her back into my life especially his. I make sure both my sons are happy and they make it perfectly clear when they don’t want them around. That’s why I didn’t invite them to my son’s birthday party. With the smart comments she makes she stopped until she found out I was going to give my second son a car then it started that’s when I distanced my family from her more. Even back then when she made comments I put a stop to it. So don’t tell me I don’t have a spine because I stepped up at 18 to raise an amazing kid. Do you think I would really let my kid suffer, especially to the hand of someone like her. I don’t care for my sister but I care for my niece. My niece and sister sadly come as a package deal.”
Why do you have a relationship with dad?
“Because my dad truly tried and did change, he was actually there for my sons and me. After my dad was around for a while my mom wanted to get to know her my kids too and she made some changes too not as much as my dad but enough to were my husband and I felt comfortable. Just because they changed doesn’t excuse the past, they still aren’t trusted enough to where I ever let my kids alone with them. For my sister a year or two after my niece was born she became a little better but we still didn’t really have a relationship and when we did have one it was only to talk about birthdays and big holidays. When she would make smart comments she would stop after my husband, dad, and I said something but she did it more after she found out I was getting my son a car.”
Does niece know everything?
“My niece knows Luke is legally my son, I just don’t think she knows how he legally became my son.”
How tf are other family members calling you out?
“I think the extended family got told a different story. For the friends, my sister probably rallied them together. I think it’s completely ridiculous especially when we can be civil about it instead of bringing everyone in.”
More on sis:
"I don’t know why she rejected him, her husband and her always chose to party and go out over him. They were never home and when they were they were asleep or ignoring him.
I don’t know what my niece’s home life was like except they had financial problems off and on."
More on how Luke was treated:
“When I would come home from school he would be crying and covered in pee and poop, everyone would just ignore him. About a month of that is when I went to my grandmother and she brought him diapers and formula. This is also when my grandmother and I came up with the deal of her watching him while I’m in school and my part-time job and when I’m out of school or off he’ll be with me.”
“My parents worked a lot so when they came home they didn’t want to deal with a baby. They kicked us out because they were tired of Luke crying all the time and me asking for help to buy him diapers, formula, etc. They said that they were tired of giving me money for him ($100) a month.”
How is Luke now?
"Luke is doing well, he graduated from college a little while ago and has am…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1843p7t/aita_for_telling_my_niece_that_her_brother_will/
Sad case. Shame the niece is also having emotional issues. Just goes to show how humans do this to thier children. Poor girl never stood a chance.
(Luke only sees her as a cousins also, to Luke only has one sibling and that’s Justin)
I then spoke to her about seeing a therapist that we would pay for (my husband agreed). She said she would think about it. I then asked her if she would like to do a fun day out with me on Saturdays. She got excited and said she would really like that. So that weekend we went on our first day out. We went to this restaurant that she’s been wanting to try. We had a good time, I then took her to a bookstore because she loves to read and I bought her a couple of books that she’s been wanting.
When Emily and I were supposed to have our second weekend out I had to cancel because Justin ended up in the hospital. While at football practice he started wheezing a little bit and he took his inhaler but didn’t wait the appropriate time. He then got tackled which knocked the wind out of him and caused him to have a bad asthma attack. This happened on a Friday and Justin stayed at the hospital till Sunday.
Emily and I were supposed to go out Saturday and that morning I called her and told I had to cancel before I could tell her why she started yelling at me saying I never cared about her and hung up the phone. I tried calling her back but it went straight to voicemail. Then I sent her a text saying that I didn’t mean to hurt her but Justin was in the hospital and that we can have our day next weekend. I never heard back from her. I gave up on reaching out to her after a couple of days.
Two days ago, my family and I were out for a family night when my neighbors called saying that they called the cops because someone was vandalizing one of our cars. When we got home the cops were there and it was Justin’s car. The car had scratches, little dents, and paint. There are two broken windows. My husband and I checked our security footage you could clearly see Emily and someone else vandalizing the car.
My husband gave the video copy to the police and Emily and her friend got arrested next morning. My sister and mom came to my house screaming that I was ruining my nieces life and if I loved her I would drop the charges. My husband is admitted that we don’t drop the charges and Justin and Luke agree with my husband.
A lot of people have asked Luke’s view on everything so I decided to talk to him. He said he’s over everything and it’s best to cut contact with everyone, even Emily, because she’s just like her mom. So we are cutting contact with everyone except for my dad.
Relevant Comments:
Someone follows up on the first post asking how OOP’s family could be mad that she didn’t get Emily a car:
“My husband and I make a good amount of money, were not rich but we live comfortably. When I first started having a relationship with Emily my sister would try to demand things from me especially when it came to money. When I wouldn’t give in she’ll try to get my mom to make me give into her, of course that would never work. Most of the time mom would stop when dad got involved. I’m sure my sister told a false narrative of me to her friends and some family members that I really don’t talk to. My sister promised Emily a car, she’s been wanting a car for awhile. When she didn’t get one everything went into chaos. My sister decided to save herself by trying to blame me for Emily being upset.”
What does your dad think of all of this?
“He’s upset with Emily but not surprised by her. He agrees to press charges also and says not to back out of pressing charges. I think he’s just tired and wants everything to calm down.”
One more explanation for why OOP didn’t cut contact before this:
"The reason for me having contact with my sister and niece is Justin and Emily went to the same school and had the same classes. Anytime I went to a school event my sister was there. I didn’t want Justin to be in a hostile environment at school so I thought having a semi civil relationship would be best especially when Emily and Justin were making friends with the same people. I didn’t want to move Justin out of the school because it’s a very good school and he already loved it there.
With my parents, we came in contact after my grandmother died and the will was read. That was when Luke was 6, my mom tried to be nice because I was left with 90% of my grandmother’s things. My dad actually tried to have a relationship with everyone and he admitted his wrong doings. This took years to build up not just a simple “I’m sorry” and we were good."
