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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2023-11-27 06:00:41.
I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Sea-Mycologist-9715
Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole
AITA for my wedding date?
Trigger Warnings: verbal abuse, manipulation, possible emotional neglect, parental favoritism
Original Post - Oct 30, 2023
I (33F) am getting married soon.On January 1 of this year, I announced to my mother and sister (37F) the date of my wedding- 11/11. I wanted a fall wedding-the leaves to be changing andto be cool outside. We chose Nov. With the holidays and whatnot, there were only 2 Saturdays in November that made sense.Fiancé chose the 11th, because it’s indicative of our dating anniversary. So it was decided, 11/11.I announce the date to my family. My sis became upset.
- Her favorite band sings a song that’s called 11:11, so she has it tattooed on her.
- She was engaged to some guy like 15 years ago. They didn’t get married, but they were supposed to get married on 11/11 (I had completely forgotten).
- It’s a week before her wedding anniversaryShe was upset because 11/11 is “her thing”, and it felt like a slap in the face that I would get married a week before she did, years ago.My sis and I have a tumultuous relationship. The last fight we got into was at my birthday 2 years ago. We had discussed having a family dinner I ended up inviting some friends. Fiancé wanted it to be special and about 10-12 people ended up being there. Sister was pissed because, if she had known there were going to be other people there, she wouldn’t have come because she didn’t feel well. I told her she was never obligated to come and I didn’t think I needed to make her aware of the guest list. Anyway, we ended up not talking for a while but because my sister is stubborn (she has never apologized, doesn’t take blame) I eventually just let it go, to appease my mother.So, when I found out she was pissed about the date i chose for my wedding, I wasn’t having it. I worked really hard the last several years to establish boundaries eith family and friends, and to not be steamrolled. I was hurt my sister made my wedding about her.She told me that I took “her thing” and as a result she wasn’t going to be in the country for my wedding (she booked a trip). It’s now been 10 months. Her and I have had limited interaction. My mom says to start the conversation with my sister and to let things go because “we all know how your sister can be”. Mom said I should have ASKED my sis first if it was ok to choose that day, and I could have approached the subject delicately. This was mind-blowing to me, because my mother and I have to walk on eggshells with my sister. Over the year they’ve discussed how I could have done things differently, or why it couldn’t have been this day or that day.My wedding is 2 weeks away and my sis and I haven’t talked. I didn’t send her an invite bc she has not apologized and already said she wouldn’t be going. I see no reason to have to initiate the convo like always,strengthening the pattern of letting her get her way. It has been heartbreaking to not have my sis there for my activities, and it hurts to know that her pride got in the way of spending time with me. But for once in my life I want to stand strong and say I deserve better.
Edit- told Mom about this post and responses She’s unphased
VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE
Relevant Comments
CarefulNow-: NTA. But what is your mum going to do? She clearly favours stompy sister. Is she going to ruin your wedding too? She’s already doing a good job in the run up to it.
Who are all the people giving you shit? I would be having thoughts about how involved I would want them in my life going forward.
Sorry your wedding is being marred like this.
OP: My mother and I have a sordid relationship. She’s not great about respecting my boundaries, but when I spoke to her last week she did the, “I’m sorry I’m a terrible mother” bit
Update - Nov 20, 2023
Update: The day before my wedding, Friday the 10th, my mother came over to my house to help me put some last minute things together. She texted my sister when she arrived saying “just got your sister’s, ttyl.” My sister responded with “have fun lolol” and followed it up with another text saying “dumb wedding”. Coincidentally, my mother was showing me something on her phone when my sister texted that. Sister tried to immediately delete, which is something I guess iPhones can do to each other? I give my mom back her phone and at this point I’m so angry I can’t sit. I’m pacing around the house. Since the ‘dumb wedding’ message had disappeared, my mother almost didn’t believe it happened. She texted my sister and asked if she said that. Sister admitted it. Mother asked why she would say something like that, and that I saw it. My sister’s response was “whelp.” Then wanted to know HOW I saw it. My anger has turned into sadness and I started crying. I told my mother that it was bullshit to be treated this way by my sister who is close to 40. My mother told my sister I was very upset, and said to stop acting ‘silly’.
The entire day I spent in a funk. Years of trauma and abuse make me susceptible to other people’s emotions and thoughts and I have a hard time snapping out of it (not just family but a horribly fucked up first marriage). I’m also trying to rack my brain and figure out genuinely why I deserve this. At one point, we were at the venue with my mother-in-law who asked me what was wrong. My mother interrupted and said I was tired and winked at me. Later I told my MIL the truth. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed, and I’m not going to lie to protect my sister. When my mother and sister spoke later that night, my sister tried to change her story. She said that I took it wrong and she meant expensive weddings are dumb. But she has no idea how much money I’ve spent on the wedding or any of the details. And come on, if that’s what she meant she would have clarified immediately. My mother seemed to sort of believe her bullshit excuse. Wedding day came, never heard from my sister. The wedding was gorgeous and I’m honestly relieved she wasn’t there. Extended family came into town and my sister scheduled dinner with them the day before the wedding to make sure she could see them, which annoyed me.
It’s been over a week and I still haven’t heard from her. It further cements my decision to cut things off and not relent, because she knew I was upset and crying about what she said, and she still couldn’t reach out to me to set things straight. Sadly, my mother DID tell her about some of the details of the wedding. She claims she didn’t send any pictures. I was upset because I clearly told mom not to give any info about it. But it is what it is.
Relevant Comments
Commentator asks if OOP has been in therapy to deal with the trauma and abuse she experienced
OP: I am in therapy, yes. I’ve been in CBT on and off for almost a decade but half of that I was with my abuser.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.