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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Stephenallen1977 on 2023-11-27 19:45:50.
I am NOT OP. Original post by u/ThrowRA-leftygreens7 in r/relationship_advice
trigger warnings: verbal argument, shaming, possible insecurities
mood spoilers: overall okish
I (f25) insulted my boyfriend (m25) after I found out his secret - 26th October 2023
My boyfriend Ben(28m) and I(25f) have been dating for almost two years. While our relationship is not perfect it’s pretty damn close, our biggest disagreement was when I switched oat milk brands and he kept forgetting and bringing the other brand. We’re both quite naturally calm people and prefer a constructive discussion to a heated argument. This is why what happened last week caught me off guard.
Towards the beginning of our relationship when we weren’t exclusive, Ben had a fling with a coworker, lets called her Stef. He is the head of IT at a major firm and she works in a different department so they only see eachother occasionally, even more so now that he switched to remote work two days a week. When he told me about their fling and I talked to my friends about it they said I wasn’t allowed to be bothered about it as our relationship wasn’t defined at the time and they only slept together once.
Somedays I will fixate on it and wonder if he talked to Stef at work and if she still fancied him. I know I’m not allowed to monitor his interactions with anyone and would never try to control him but it does make me feel something when I think about him even being near her. I don’t know if it’s jealousy or insecurity or even if it’s rational.
Anyway last week we got invited to a dinner party hosted by his boss. I’d been to a couple of his office parties before but only interacted with a couple people and usually was glued to Ben’s side all night since I am a bit of an introvert. From my immediate impression Ben’s boss is a bit of a rich prick, but he knew how to throw a good enough party that I began to loosen up and interact with more than two people all night.
As a teacher I’ve always felt insecure around people who make so much more money than me and always felt like they looked down on me but that couldn’t have been further from the truth. I was immediately included on the inside jokes, made a couple of my own and even got invited to a double date with one of his coworkers and his wife.
While Ben was grabbing me some food, one his friend’s made a passing comment about Stef, she was at the party but stayed away from the group we were hanging out with. I said “I don’t care about her but I also have nothing to talk to her about” which is true, I wasn’t about to go compare notes with her and the fact that she did stay away from us did put me at ease and made me not as wary of her.
His friend laughed and said ‘well then you’d might feel the same way about Molly’. Molly was another coworker of Ben’s who I had actually gotten on with the whole night. I was confused and didn’t understand what he was trying to stay, when he saw my reaction he completely clammed up but I demanded he explain himself.
Another one of his friend’s from the group said that Molly and Ben slept together- to say I was shocked is an understatement. I then asked how many other girls Ben had slept with from the office and they told me they knew of four different girls.
At that point Ben came back, unaware his friends had spilled his secrets but picked up on the tense atmosphere. Internally I was fuming and hurt but I kept a cool facade and when Ben asked what was wrong I just looked at him and said ‘your friends were just informing me that you’re the office slut’. He looked shocked and I left to go to the bathroom to calm down. I knew if I stayed at this party any longer I would have a breakdown and needed to leave. So I went straight to our car and drove home without telling him.
When I got back home I replied to his numerous texts about where I was and told him I came home and he could find his own way back. He got home around an hour after me and by that time I had already cried my feelings out and was ready to have a conversation. He came into the house absolutely livid which I didn’t understand because he was the one who lied to me.
He’s never even raised his voice at me for anything before but he was shouting about how I embarrassed him and word had gotten around to his other coworkers because I reacted immaturely. I tried to explain my position that how would he feel if he found out I had slept with four of my coworkers and never told him. He just kept reiterating that he never had a relationship with them and it was just sex.
I knew going into our relationship he was way more experienced than me sexually but I refuse to believe he could sleep with these women and not feel anything for them but that is beside the point and he should’ve told me. But all he is hung up on is that I insulted him to his friends. When he was done yelling he said he was going to stay at his brother’s house to calm down and not to contact him until he cooled down, I told him I wouldn’t contact him first because I’m not in the wrong, he is.
It’s been a week since he’s been at his brother’s house and we still haven’t talked. I have no clue where we go from here. Was I wrong to react the way I did? I didn’t think I was but now I’m second guessing myself. I didn’t think calling him the office slut would elicit this reaction but I don’t think it was a lie either. Should I apologise or wait for him to make the first move? My issue is not so much with him sleeping with the other women but hiding it.
Comments
Mobile_Prune_3207
Where did he lie? Did he tell you that he had only ever slept with Stef? Or did you assume that she was the only one? Either way, I do think it was really unnecessary to make that comment in front of his co-workers. Your reaction was not a cool facade.
OOP: We had a discussion about previous partners and he never mentioned them before, he said he didn’t count them as partners and only told me about actual girlfriends he had.
nsfwacct17
Didn’t you post this on AITA yesterday and then delete your account when you got told you were the asshole lol
OOP: I didn’t delete it, the mods deleted it and so I messaged one of them about where I should post it instead and they said to check other suitable subreddits. I much prefer the response here, there was nothing productive in that sub anyway
OOP: I think having some space from it and seeing so many unbiased perspectives I can understand where I went wrong. Tbh I knew what I said wasn’t right but I was trying to justify my position by saying he was also wrong. But my actions are my actions and I shoulder responded more maturely. I think my comment did come from a vindictive place and for that I will apologise but I think I can only move forward if I get the same thing back.
caballero12840
Few things mean as little as a conditional apology
UPDATE in the same post 1 day later - 27th October 2023
I just want to say thanks for everyone’s response, I can’t reply to them all but I have read what everyone has written and just need to clarify a few things.
- We had discussed previous partners but he omitted ONS as he didn’t consider them partners and only told me about girlfriends he had. Ben is my first boyfriend and I had only ever slept with one guy before but that man wasn’t my boyfriend either but I still disclosed it
- There is some speculation I went through his phone and badger him about Stef, that is not true at all. I knew my issues with Stef were my own and never made him answer for them. Even when he told me I was slightly upset but again it was something we discussed and I got advice from my friends about we moved forward from
- I did not yell out the comment I made, it was only in front of Ben and two of his work friends. I did not ask his friends who the other two girls were as I thought that should come from Ben. I don’t know when the encounters with the other 3 girls happened
- I am aware my comment was wrong and I am fully ready to apologise for that and for leaving his stranded, he had to get a lift from his brother. In my post I wrote our car, that’s not true I just think of it that way because I use it more but its actually his car
- I made a typo in the title, I’m 25 and Ben is 28
Anyway an actual update - I texted him this morning saying ‘Hey, I know you asked me not to contact you first but I’ve given you a week and really feel like we need to have a conversation. I hope you’ve been doing okay.’
I didn’t want to start apologising or questioning him over text.
I did that about 6.30 before I left for work and was teaching all day so I knew I wouldn’t be able to constantly check my phone. It’s lunch time right now and he’s responded saying he’s at work, which is confusing because Friday and Monday are his remote work days so I don’t understand why he’s gone in. I texted back and said ‘we can talk after work if he wanted to come home’ and he agreed. I honestly have no clue how tonight is going to go - I really don’t want to break up.
I know a…
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I know alot of you are gonna say I don’t have a backbone for messaging him first but I haven’t been able to eat or sleep all week and this been so mentally and physically exhausting, my workload this week has been crushing and this added stress has made me reach my limit.
Comments
Negative-Product6301
When I first started dating my husband we were going to new year’s party and I knew someone I had slept with prior to our relationship would be there.
I gave him the heads-up. I didn’t want him blindsided by some ashole trying to provoke him or catch him off guard.
It wasn’t his business (it happened long before him) I didn’t need to disclose, BUT, it was the respectful thing to do.
I hate being blindsided. I also hate being used as a weapon in head games. It was lucky I gave him the heads-up. When someone went up to him and told him, he was already armed with the information and wasn’t the one that ended up looking like the dick.
StandardMiddle6229
I’m still fixated on the oat milk brand switch🤔🤷
avozzella6
Please tell me it’s oatly
memeparmesan
Dude, Oatly fucking stomps.
UPDATE2 in the same post 2 days later - 28th October 2023
UPDATE 2: Hey everyone its Saturday and im still in bed and thought I should give an update. Before I do I just wanted to clarify one thing. I switched from alpro to oatly, and its much better. Also I’m paraphrasing since I can’t remember everything we said.
So I was quite nervous about Ben coming over after work, I was meant to do some work but was too distracted to even attempt it. I did however as a gesture of good faith decide to cook his favourite meal for him and maybe use it as an icebreaker. I did take someone’s advice of writing everything down just so I could keep my thoughts clear.
After work I texted asking him what time he would be over and he said he’d text me when he left work and takes him about a 30 minutes on the tube to reach home. He got here about 6ish and rang the doorbell (which was so weird, he still had his keys), I opened the door and we kinda awkwardly greeted each other. Immediate impression was that he didn’t look angry or upset, just cold.
I sat down on the sofa and expected him to join me but he just stood in the middle of the room with his hands in his trousers. I said I was glad he came over and he just nodded, then I said it was weird being in his house by myself all week and all he said was ‘I’m sure it was’. He asked me why I texted him now and not sooner and I said it was because he told me not to contact him.
I told him I’d been miserable and that I was sorry for the comment I made and leaving and especially for taking his car. He said he didn’t give a shit about the car just that I had left without telling him. I got a chance to finally explain myself to him, I never cared how many women he slept with before. (I’d known he was a bit of a ‘fuckboy’ before we got together, and never held it against him)
I just hated being blindsided and feeling like I knew less about my boyfriend than some random coworkers. I asked why he didn’t just tell me since he knew I’d be around them and he said he said honestly didn’t think it was important and matter to me. I called bullshit because he knows how I am and he knew it would matter.
He admitted he did regret sleeping with those women as he never thought about having to bring his future girlfriend around them and tell her about it. Two of them happened when he first joined the company straight of uni, one of those girls has left already and the other is actually dating Ben’s friend who told me about Molly. He said at that point of his life he was fine sleeping around and never really thought of the consequences.
I asked why his friend decided to even say anything to me about it and he said they always try to ‘piss each other off’ and one thing that gets Ben annoyed is when someone brings up his fuckboy ways. He said after I left his friends felt bad for what they said but I told him I never would’ve reacted that way if I had known and he should’ve told me. He said I was trying to justify my response after apologising.
I told him I didn’t want to do that, I do genuinely think what I said and did was wrong but he can’t put all the blame on me. He said the only thing he could apologise for is sleeping with a bunch of women and since that was before me it didn’t make any sense. I kept saying it was the hiding bit that upset me and he asked what difference would it had made if I had known?
I did think about that for a moment, I still would’ve gone but I think I would’ve been a bit more hyperaware of the Molly and the other girl. He said he wanted me to be there and have a good time and didn’t want ruin it by telling me about irrelevant shit in his past and I guess I understood that sentiment because I decided to let it go.
We both were quiet there for a moment and he asked if ‘I was done?’ And if I was going to end it then I needed to pick another reason since ‘this would be the stupidest fucking reason’. I told him I didn’t want to break up and that we needed to talk about everything but I wanted him to come sit next to me and he did.
So I asked if there were any others and he said no, I asked him who knew in the office and he said only his friend group and they keep their mouth shut to everyone because all of them we’re doing the same shit. He told me he slept with Molly right before we met.
I was curious about why he went into work today when it was his remote work day and he said that his nieces wouldn’t let him concentrate at home so he just decided to go in. He did say he was furious last week and didn’t know if he could move forward but talking to his brother helped and he calmed him down, he said if I didn’t text him he was planning on contacting me first today anyway so we could talk.
So we didn’t break up, I apologised and while he didn’t so the same I have decided to let it go and move on. I told him I made his favourite meal and he finally kissed me and told me he missed me.
Anyway I know someone of you are gonna say he should’ve dumped me straight away or I should’ve demanded an apology but I’m happy with the outcome. I finally had a meal and good night’s sleep, even Ben said I looked like I had lost weight. Thank for the people who have messaged me offering me advice and I really hope I never have to give another update.
Comments
Both-Suspect
What a rollercoaster this has been. Also, his work friends are dicks. Hope the rest of his friends aren’t like that. 🚩
Abstractteapot
The oat milk was a sign.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
