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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/generationalguilt on 2023-06-25 20:59:28+00:00.

My (26F) father grew up in poverty. His father skipped out and his mother worked a lot to provide, but with 5 kids, things were tight. I have a lot of empathy for his family and always admired my grandmother for all she did, along with my great-grandmother who provided free childcare and would clean the house for her. I know they did not have it easy.

My dad along with his siblings managed to pull themselves out of poverty. Two of my uncles became well off, while the rest of the family are comfortable, middle class. I have always been grateful for the sacrifices this family has made and have told my dad more than once how proud I am for all he’s overcome.

My father always had to make the point of how lucky me and my sisters were to have what we did. He doesn’t say these things in a nostalgic, sad way…it’s in a nasty, “you’re lucky you get this because I don’t have to give it to you” kind of way. Even though we always showed gratitude. If we were ever having a bad day or disagreed with our parents over something, my dad would tell us how good we have it and he could “make things worse for us” and make us live how he did growing up. My mom and us have tried to make that up to him, giving him birthday parties, things he wanted as a kid, etc. Still, every holiday and birthday, he made us feel like shit for having parties and gifts because he never did until he married my mom.

It always left us feeling like we didn’t deserve any of it and that we couldn’t ever have a rough time or be upset with him, because he was giving us what he didn’t.

I have struggled with depression and anxiety since my teens, something I hid from my parents for a very long time, because of how my dad is. I’m in therapy. I am still learning how to feel I actually deserve good things in my life and it’s okay to feel things other than happiness. It’s not my job to make my father feel better about his childhood.

Recently, my youngest sister and some of our cousins graduated, either from high school or college. My mom and aunts were planning a big family party to celebrate. My dad was on his kick over how “spoiled” my sister is, he never got a party for graduating. It got to the point where my sister was feeling really bad and said she didn’t need a party. My dad said no, it was fine, she just better remember how lucky she is. I told my dad none of this was necessary, just let her enjoy something for once in her life. He started on how he never had it and I said “Your crap childhood is not our problem. Get some therapy or stop taking it out on the rest of us.” He started on me about being disrespectful and I just went back to my place.

My mom says I wasn’t wrong but I should’ve stayed out of it and not said it to him, because he’s not going to listen anyway. I then pissed her off by saying she’s right, she should’ve stood up for her own kid and called her a coward. Now, both of them are pissed at me and my sisters worry I’ve only made things worse. (Though they’re grateful I said it) AITA?