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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-04-09 06:02:01.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Winter-Shop
Originally posted to r/relationship_advice
My (22f) Husband (29M) keeps telling me to come to Reddit about our arguments. so here I am. Do all men feel how my husband feel?
Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability
Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, misogyny, sexism
Original Post March 25, 2024
I (22f) have been with my partner (29m) for coming up on 3 years, and our daughter is 4 months old. He makes sure to let me know how lazy I am, even though I’m the only one to care for our daughter or clean our house. He works a lot and when he comes home, he spends a couple hours on the game and he might hold our daughter for a couple minutes.
He says that since I’m staying home caring for our infant alone I should have dinner made, the dogs and pig should be fed, watered (obviously), and walked. Trash should be burned. Dishes should be clean. Floor swept and mopped. His other kids rooms clean. Every surface wiped down.
He also says that there ARE gender roles and this is what a woman should do to keep her man happy. According to him I don’t deserve to be loved on until I’ve finished the chores and put the baby to sleep by myself and made sure that he feels loved and cared for.
Our daughter won’t take a bottle and he won’t help me with bottles so I can’t go back to work but I’m also not helping financially. He doesn’t stay up with our daughter. If I don’t initiate sex we don’t have sex. He straight up said he’s won’t touch me in ways that please me
Because he’s “not in high school”. I feel crazy. He’s obsessed with the concept of disrespect. Everything I do is disrespectful- if the dishes aren’t clean, if the floors not mopped, if I leave little trinkets around the house, if I started projects that I didn’t get to finish and forgot about when the baby woke up, or
If the baby has been a little fussy and I’m feeding her when he gets home I’m a fat lazy waste of space and why didn’t I get anything done today. I don’t text him throughout the day telling him sweet little nothings, so I must not love him.
I can’t choose between being a mom and a partner even though sometimes I have to because my daughter ISNT CAPABLE OF CARING FOR HERSELF. it’s like he’s mad that I can’t be his mother for him, right? So Reddit. What do y’all think? Please be honest because he will absolutely be seeing every word.
Additional Information from OOP
OOP: ETA- I kept my daughter because I’m not supposed to be able to have Children.
I was 20 when we got together. It’s ABOUT to be three years- it’s like 2.5 years. I turned 21 shortly after we got together and he had just turned like 27 or 28? I should have been more cost about that. I’m turning 23 soon.
2workigo: He doesn’t consider you a partner, he considers you an indentured servant.
OOP: I say this all the time and he acts like it’s crazy to say.
localdisastergay: When there is one partner staying at home and one partner working, household responsibilities should be split so that you have approximately equal free time. He’s got plenty of time for gaming and sleeping and berating you but I bet you haven’t had even an hour to genuinely relax since the baby was born, if not before.
OOP: I worked through my whole pregnancy. I worked a full eight hour shift three hours before I went into labor— I thought it was Braxton-hicks so I muscled through it and the one time I cried he rolled over and asked me to shut up.
janabanana67: Abstinence is the best form of bc in this situation. Dear heavens, why are you with a man that doesn’t seem to like you, let alone love you. He will raise this daughter to think she deserves to be treated like dirt.
OOP: 1 fear right here and the biggest red flag is that when I express this to him he “doesn’t want his daughter to treat men like I do”
I have an avoidant personality and a lot of childhood trauma, sometimes I don’t communicate well, and I also am suffering in my postpartum. I haven’t seen a doctor yet so I don’t really know what’s going on with me (if anything even is) but I’m taking my psychiatric meds so I really don’t know if I’m the problem or not.
OOP on her Reddit history and why she married her husband
OOP: He is my baby daddy. He is also my husband. I do still want to leave him. I didn’t think I could have kids so I kept my daughter. I used my Reddit mostly for bartending because I happen to like bartending. I didn’t know this was how he was when we first got together.
OOP on her husband’s background
OOP: He was a marine.
Update: Apr 1, 2024
There were some things I didn’t like—like being infantilized but everyone is entitled to an opinion and that’s okay.
I tried to show him the post and he didn’t really want to look at it, and he said my question should have been “should I get mad when he asks me to clean up after myself” and that I just spent the whole post probably victimizing myself and yadda yadda.
The only problem with what he’s saying is that I DO clean up after myself, just not on his time table—like if I make dinner, I’m not cleaning the kitchen till the next morning. And I’m NOT sweeping and mopping more than once in the morning and as needed because the puppy isn’t all the way house trained yet and that’s a PROBLEM for him because of his OCD. I can only be so understanding when his taking a toll on my self esteem and sanity.
I’ve been telling him for the last few days I want to leave him but he just rationalizes and diffuses the situation enough to go right back to wtf he was doing before. He straight up asked me what was wrong when he volunteered me to take two kids an infant, and a puppy to the park AFTER we ate when it was almost dark, and when I told him it’s a lot he just swept it under the rug and basically told me get over it I should be lucky to spend time with his kids. He doesn’t care about how overstimulated I get sometimes.
I spent Easter alone today and all I did really was sleep—AND IT FELT NICE. I’ve been so exhausted with EVERYTHING. But yeah he didn’t wanna read the post.
Top Comments
jasperjonns: He definitely wanted to read the other post…he was the one suggesting you post here! Somehow he changed his mind when he realized that all of the replies were in your favor.
My reply in the other posts was: Your husband is horrible. I stand by that. I feel terribly for you, you’re treated like a slave and he does not care for you at all. Even if he did read every reply in the original post he would just dismiss any that differed from his world view (uh that would be all of them), because he is so convinced of his superiority and self-righteousness.
NedStarkRavingMad: OP
Your update essentially states that your controlling, overbearing dad husband remains controlling and overbearing even after you tried to talk to him again.
I don’t know how he can be any clearer about not caring about you or your feelings, but only caring about what you can do for him.
Please leave for your own good.
Justrennt: He wont take you serious because you need to take actions and not just tell him you want to leave him. But for that you need a lawyer and a plan you can stick with it. You got great answers in your last post, but now you need to make things happen. I dont think, he will change for the better and I think leaving him is the best option for you and your child.