This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2024-04-09 06:07:47.
I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/bridesmaidultimatum. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole
Mood Spoiler: tentative happy ending
Original Post: March 28, 2024
The people in this story are my best friend “Jane”, her brother “Elliot”, and his girlfriend of two years, “Kathy”.
Jane is marrying her fiancé Tom in July and she asked me to be her maid of honour. This was sort of expected as Jane is essentially a sister to me. I was surprised, however, that she asked her brother’s girlfriend, Kathy, to be a bridesmaid. Jane later confided that Kathy had kind of pressured her into it and she had done it to make Elliot happy.
The issue is, Kathy hates me. Like seriously hates me. She blames me for all the issues she has with Elliot and Jane’s parents, and for her not having a better friendship with Jane. She also thinks I am trying to steal Elliot from her (I’m not) but also cannot handle whenever he and I disagree on anything and will go way overboard defending him and arguing with me. I was determined to put this all aside for Jane, though.
This was actually not going too badly, but last weekend we went to a bridal shop to choose bridesmaid dresses. Jane mentioned that she wanted me and Elliot to walk down the aisle together, and Kathy lost it. She called me desperate, crazy, a pick me, a fake, fat, and a bunch of other things. Looking back, I probably should have said more than I did, but at that moment I could see how everyone was looking at her, and I didn’t want them looking at me the same way, so I literally just said “yeah I’m not dealing with this. Either she’s out, or I am” and picked my stuff up and left.
(I apologised to Jane for the drama and offered her a long weekend of babysitting and some flowers to make up for it and she accepted so we’re ok now)
Because of this, Jane has said that Kathy can’t be a bridesmaid anymore because she wants me as maid of honour. This has caused issues with Kathy, and Elliot by extension. Both Elliot and Kathy have apologised and said Kathy will behave better for all the wedding events, but I’m not willing to budge. Jane’s mother and my mother both think I should drop the ultimatum, and I don’t want to make things hard on Jane, so I’m rethinking.
But I know there’s other things she will try to cause issues with me over and I just don’t know how long I can keep being the bigger person with her.
So AITA for causing this drama?
Relevant Comments:
Why does she blame you and hate you so much?
She feels like Elliot’s dad hates her because he wanted Elliot to date me (this is not true. Idk why he doesn’t like her). She apparently thinks there’s no room for her and Jane to be close because Jane “already has a sister”.
Genuinely don’t know why she thinks I’m trying to steal Elliot, we have never been close/friends. I have never given any indication that I want her bf, we annoy the ever loving crap out of each other 🤷♀️
Define “annoying each other”:
“We can have a conversation…just short ones 😂 after about 5 minutes one of us will say or do something that will set the other off and we’ll be bickering. I wouldn’t call it friendly”
“It’s not rivalry. We just…irk each other. It’s visceral. My mum thinks that we were cellmates in a prison in a past life lol because every time we’re near each other it’s like we’re sick of each other even though we’ve only been in the same room five minutes 😂”
Why does Jane want you to walk down the aisle with her brother?
"Optics. It’s a height thing.
I’m too short for one of the groomsmen apparently"
“Yeah, the best man is WAY too tall for me. I’m meant to be going first with Elliot and the best man behind with another bridesmaid, since Elliot is standing second it’s not a big deal for him to just leave a space”
“It’s the reason she gave me. And tbh from a photography angle I can see why for photographs that wouldn’t be conducive to the best angles. But again, I’m not the bride. I’ll walk where she tells me”
People setting boundaries and not allowing Kathy to come to events:
He and the whole family say things to her when it gets out of hand but it’s his family events, he’s not going to not bring her. She’s semi-banned from his dad’s house because he’s rude af to her now but again, those are Elliot’s parents not mine.
He doesn’t bring her to anything my mum hosts thank god.
Do you think Jane’s parents DID hope you’d end up with Elliot?
I mean, their parents have done a lot for me. Their dad has been effectively my dad since mine passed away. So, maybe at some point they may have thought it would be nice if I was “officially” in the family. But there was more chance of me ending up with Jane lol.
Elliot and I have been at each other’s throats since age 4 idk how they’d conceivably think we’d end up together.
I know that she feels like there’s no space for her and Jane to be close because I’m already like a sister to Jane. And she feels like their dad hates her because he wishes Elliot would date me but I don’t think that’s true. He just doesn’t like her. I don’t think it has to do with me.
OOP is voted NTA
Update Post: April 2, 2024 (5 days later)
So, I saw a lot of people saying they wanted an update and people were really kind offering advice so thought I would provide some closure on this saga.
I decided that it would be best to speak to Jane and confirm how she wanted to play it. I told her as much as I don’t want to deal with Kathy I’m not seriously going to stick to the ultimatum. Jane said she is definitely not having Kathy as a bridesmaid, and that she’s sorry it even came to me having to say that. We agreed that Jane would handle any questions about Kathy and say that it wasn’t about my ultimatum.
On Jane and the bridesmaid thing, a lot of people were saying her aesthetic choice didn’t make sense, and you were partially correct. She admitted she mostly just didn’t want Elliot and Kathy to be photographed together. i told her she’s a complete moron (affectionately) for not telling me because we could have prepared this better.
Elliot and I also met up to talk.
He explained that Kathy has a bad relationship with her family, that’s why she was really hoping to bond with his. He also said she has a lot of insecurities and that she projected a lot of these issues onto me. As for why, he shed some light on this, too. Elliot’s best friend (my family by marriage) shared some things with her and kind of over-egged some stories and it set Kathy on this path of thinking I was Regina George, basically. Elliot has tried to correct her but she won’t hear it.
As for her thinking I’m trying to “steal” him, some of you were right. She does think that my hanging out with his family means I must not dislike him as much as I say. She thinks because I have a history of dating people close to him (two people years apart) that I must secretly like him. Elliot agrees this is crazy but Kathy just won’t let go of this idea.
As for us walking together, I said I would support him asking Jane if he could walk with another bridesmaid but that if she insists, I’m going to be on her side and Elliot agreed that was fair.
He said he’s been trying to be understanding of her issues but he sees now it was wrong to force the bridesmaid issue and he’s going to focus on helping Kathy in a way that doesn’t involve everyone else from now on. I left it there in regards to Kathy because it’s not my place to comment.
Our conversation actually turned out to be pretty productive, elliot and I aired out a lot of things from when we were kids that I guess were overdue a conversation. We’ll never be best friends but we are getting a joint Father’s Day gift for his dad so that’s something.
I’m still going to be as civil to Kathy because honestly she clearly has a lot bigger issues than whatever issues she has with me and adding to it just seems pointless.
That’s that. All’s well that ends…decently, all things considered. We will definitely be watching her for any drama at the wedding but for now that’s it.
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: What I don’t understand is that she’s shocked that his family isn’t her biggest fan… so logically it must be because of you…absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she has the emotional regulation of a 6 year old 🫠
OOP: There’s so much more to all that than I could include in the post. I swear this woman thinks I am every bad dream she ever had come to life…even though I’ve said like 39 words to her.
Commenter: You’ll do as you please, but think about the possibility that he is putting you in the position of taking the fallout when she finally loses it. Why not add Jane and her spouse as well?
OOP: Jane has already bought her dad a gift. Someone suggested I mention the gift to Elliot’s stepmother and mention it was his suggestion, to get ahead of the story, and I will probably do that.
I don’t think Elliot is that kind of idiot but can’t hurt to cover bases
Commenter: So this unstable woman envies your life (or at least parts of it) and blames you being in the picture for not having…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1bziyni/aita_for_refusing_to_be_maid_of_honour_over_a/
Commenter: So this unstable woman envies your life (or at least parts of it) and blames you being in the picture for not having those things? And you wanna egg her on by going halfsies on a Father’s Day gift with her boyfriend?
If Kathy ever asks to meet up with you so she can bury the hatchet, don’t go. Seriously, with this level of derangement, that woman is gonna end up as the subject of some true-crime podcast.
OOP: I don’t want to egg her on. But I’m also not going to be part of placating her. That is Elliot’s job for as long as he wants it.
Also, I’ve been at odds with the guy for two decades, we’ve finally met up and had a conversation that doesn’t end in an argument, I do want to take the olive branch. That’s more important to me than Kathy potentially having a meltdown.
But yeah I absolutely won’t be meeting up with her ever
Why does she think you’re Regina George?
Haha I explained it another comment. But basically he mentioned how I dated one of Elliot’s friends when we were kids and they stopped being friends over it. And how I got some kids to tease Elliot when we were like 8 in school. Also that I dated another of his friends a few years back and freaked him out when he showed up to a dinner party and I was there. Also that I crashed Elliot’s car.
All of that is technically true and it sounds like I’m a whole lunatic without context but there is context.
Dated his friend and they stopped being friends - true but they were already on the verge of falling out. And I didn’t do that with the intention of fucking up their friendship.
Got kids to tease him - true but it wasn’t the whole class it was just my friends, and we teased him for being bad at football after he kicked a football into my face. He also told all his friends I’d had plastic surgery when I broke my nose that same year…even though he was there when I broke it so knew it wasn’t true. We were just being shithead kids.
Dated another friend of his and never said anything - true but they aren’t close, it’s mostly a work friendship, and I didn’t know he was coming to that dinner party.
Crashed his car - true but his dad was using it to teach me to drive. It was a small accident and my mother paid for the damage.
So if you just say all that without context, I look like I’ve just been trying to ruin his life for years. But that’s not the case. You grow up with someone, you impact their life in small ways, that’s unavoidable. I have just as many stories that could make him look unhinged with no context, like the time he convinced me I was dying (told me the trace amounts of arsenic in grape seeds would kill me so I spent a three hour car journey thinking I was slipping into a coma when I was just tired).
One more on the Father’s Day gift:
Elliot’s dad has basically been a dad to me since my dad passed away when I was young. I get both him and my stepdad something for Father’s Day every year.
Why Elliot is still with Kathy…I really have no idea
