This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/truscum by /u/pomkombucha on 2024-04-09 04:08:15.

I had a phase of about 2 years where I tried really hard to fit the bill before I came out and I always wondered/worried that had meant that there wasn’t really a way I could be a guy. I would wear revealing clothes and such because it got me attention and I have a lot of neglect trauma (worked through a lot of it now thank god). I also had a lot of messy trauma with my internal understanding of my identity since I was a kid, because my mom hinged pretty much the entirety of our bonding on “being girls” and actively treated my brother significantly worse. Then when I went into foster care, I was dealing with a lot of feeling fundamentally unwanted and my foster sisters would constantly talk about how much attention they got for their looks, and also bullied me about mine, so I tried to start being like them. tw gendered anatomical terms

Basically the signs I had that I wasn’t even actually a chick when I was little was that every bit of self expression I did without being bullied or having some kind of trauma linked to it, was all male oriented. And then I got bullied by my foster family for that too, so I just gave up and tried to act feminine and it wound up getting me that attention I was so deprived of. Then it was a downward spiral from there. Also got caught enjoying male shows with lots of tiddies when I was really little and learned very quickly how not allowed that was.

But all throughout my childhood I had used roleplay as an escape and would and could only ever play dudes. When I would daydream I would imagine myself as a guy with a deeper voice, being able to freely do male mannerisms. Then when I grew up, I entered a male dominated field and constantly wished I could look like the other guys did in my uniform. Eventually after my hyper feminine phase, I remember taking a picture of myself in a button down and wishing that I just didn’t have tits there because they ruined every shirt I tried to wear. Cut to also having fantasies of being able to be the one fucking a woman, wishing I had a penis and the male body to match, and it finally clicked… after two years.

Anybody else have a similar story? I always felt so invalid and worried I was just faking it when I first came out because I really had been SO feminine, but only because I didn’t have concept that it could be any other way. The idea of dressing male in a female body even just wasn’t comforting because I would become hyper aware of the incongruence of what my body looked like and what I expected it to look like.

Anyway I kinda rambled a lot there lol feels good to get that off my chest. Thanks friends