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The original was posted on /r/exmormon by /u/Far-Dot25 on 2024-04-10 02:56:56.

I’m not sure if this is the place to be saying this, but I don’t have many options left. I have been a missionary for just 3 days now and I am borderline suicidal. I just feel like I have no way out.I’ve been having doubts about my religion for a couple of years now and I’ve brought it up to my parents, and church leaders, and member friends but they all tell me the same things. Read the Book of Mormon and pray to ask if it’s true.

I have read the Book of Mormon multiple times. I’ve grown up in the church and I’ve just always felt weird about it.

For a while they said to get my patriarchal blessing, that it would give me direction. It didn’t. Then they said the temple would change my life. But it felt silly and culty, and unpolished. It just drove me further away. Then my parents told me that I just had an inquisitive soul and the answer was to turn my faith outward and serve a mission. So I got all the papers in, I held my tongue, and held out hope that when I was set apart and given all of the power granted to me as a missionary, then things would finally make sense. That I’d feel something.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect. But I have tried so hard to find meaning in the church’s teachings. I’ve always done difficult things for the sake of my beliefs. I sat through all of my bishop’s meetings about how I was a sinful child. I went to seminary at 5:30 am every morning. I even baptised my ex girlfriend who, might I add, cheated on me while on molly, because my bishop asked me to do it in order to forgive her.

I have done everything I’ve been told to do and it’s only ever brought me further away from the lord. It seems like every desperate prayer I had about Joseph smith or the Book of Mormon was just met with uncomfortable silence. I told my leaders this and they said that God would qualify me. And I really wanted him to.

But I’m so overwhelmed here. I already said my goodbyes, my parents are proud of me for once, and there are church members who are sending me money to help pay for the mission.

I feel horrible. I’ve gone on the pulpit and expressed the fact that I feel as though I’m drowning. That I’ve been asked to be a lifeguard when I don’t even know how to swim. People said it was inspired and genuine and real. That my uncertainty would make me a good missionary.

I broke up with my girlfriend for this. I dated her for two years. I broke up with her a month ago because I didn’t want to make her wait for me. It didn’t seem fair to her. Not when I don’t even have a good reason to go.

I thought I could just teach love and kindness and talk about Christs teachings on my mission. But I now realize after a couple of mtc classes that there’s not much freedom when teaching. And I don’t feel comfortable telling people that this church will give them answers or meaning, when I haven’t found that either.

I don’t hate my parents, or the church members, or even the church leaders. I don’t want to hurt anyone. But I just don’t believe it anymore. After all of these tests of faith, I would have assumed that I’d receive some kind of answer or validation. But I don’t think God wants me on a mission as much as the church does. At least not teaching these principles. I feel trapped here. I’m not sure what to do. I feel like I’m not in control of my own choices and if I try to leave my family will abandon me or worse, I turn out to be wrong and risk my salvation. I feel so stupid and confused. I’m sorry if I’m not very clear.

I don’t want to do this, I only wanted to do it in order to fulfill an obligation to god and my fellow man. But I’m not convinced that it helps either one. I want to go to college. I want to date while I’m young. I don’t want to start school at 21. Or be weird when I get back after being socially isolated. I feel like the consequences of a two year diversion are very understated. But when I told my parents they said it would get easier and that it was worth it. I’m just really really sad and confused. I feel like I have no agency. I have no money if I don’t go, no family, no options. And they’ve spend all this money on clothes and the mission itself. I’m unraveling here.