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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-04-10 06:00:04.
I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/ThrowRA-crazyone
Originally posted to r/relationship_advice
My (F32) husbands (M32) new female friend sent a text that gave me the ick, and I’m questioning her intentions. Am I being silly?
Trigger Warnings: stalking, obsessive behavior
Original Post (rareddit) - April 2, 2024
So, I’ll start by saying Im generally quite a secure person and have never felt like I had any issues around this until I read a message sent to my husband yesterday, and I’m kinda spiraling.
Sorry this may be long.
For some backstory: My husband does downhill biking. Has done since he was very young, knows his stuff, he’s out there every day. Generally rides with the same group of guys but they mostly stick to weekends, my husband goes out everyday of the week luckily because his job allows him to.
If hes out on his own(generally weekdays) and the dogs are free, he’ll take the dogs. They love it.
So around 6 months ago he was out in the morning, with the dogs, and ended up coming home earlier than usual. While he was out he found this girl who fell off and had badly injured her arm/wrist. As you can imagine, hes done the same numerous times, knew exactly what to do and where to go to get seen quicker. He got her to the carpark, packed the dogs and bikes up and took her to the gp who referred her to hospital, and he came home. All good.
Around a week after this one of the guys he rides with sent him a screenshot of a post in a facebook group that was made for people specifically who build and maintain the bike trails. It went something like: Im looking for someone called (insert husbands name here) who helped me last week when I fell and got me to hospital. He drove a (husbands truck) and had 3 dogs (then listed our dogs names).
she had posted in a few groups before being linked to the group for the trail builders, who my husband goes out there with.
My husband isnt on social media so he said he could send her his number. She text him to double check she had the right person. He said it was and that he was glad she was feeling better and he was happy to help. She offered him money or to take him for lunch which he declined and just said again that he was happy to help.
They text back and forth every now and then, her initiating and its mostly hey how are you hope your well etc, until she starts getting better and can ride again, it turns to, hey we should hit the trails sometime.
Now, without tooting his horn for him, he’s very good. Used to ride competitively when he was younger, same with much of the guys he rides with. Most people at the park know who they are and generally if they hear them coming, will just get to the side and watch them pass.
He tries to decline her offer in a way not to offend her, but theres no way she can keep up with them.
Theres a section thats just big jumps to practice on, he says maybe next time hes on those he’ll give her a shout and they can meetup there.
Eventually that happens and he gives her a few tips. Which then turns into her texting him more often about biking, asking for him to “tuitor” her and just general stuff. This goes on for the next couple months, there seems to be a friendship starting. Ive never once had any concerns about this and was quite happy for him to continue, and they do.
So yesterday (Monday) he went out with the dogs, and to bumped into her. Said they spoke for awhile and went a cycle with the dogs to wind down before he came home.
She started texting him when he got home and I can see these messages coming through the ipad as I was using it.
To be clear, hes not hiding the texts, he openly leaves his phone lying around, no passcode. Lets our daughter play on it. Happy for me to use it. Doesnt get weird or secretive about it in the slightest. He knows the ipad and laptop are linked to his phone and it can all be seen by anyone using them. He has never gave me cause for concern.
Its her intentions I’m not too sure on at this point.
So anyway. The dogs. We have 3 working gun dogs used in the fields regularly, and while they can look like they’re running riot down these trails, they are extremely well trained and tuned in to whatever my husband is doing. Which becomes more apparent when hes not on the trails, and theyre following watching his every move.
These texts started on about the dogs for a bit when she sent a text which ended in the following: “Like a slave looking to please their master 😏”
Admittedly, I don’t care for emoji’s and the texting garb people use nowadays. I dont even know what the 😏 face means frankly. But something about this made me feel icky, and I feel like theres an undertone going on here.
He replied, but seemed to ignore that last comment. However this caused me to think/look back on her communication, and feel like Ive noticed a few red flags.
- she ALWAYS initiates.
- If she doesnt get a reply, she seem’s to keep sending messages until he replies.
- Not once has she EVER referenced or acknowledged the fact that hes married or has a family. Even when he mentioned that hes been away for my birthday, or that hes going to our daughters dancing show. She’ll change the subject as if shes pretending we dont exist, or to close down any mention of us.
- She often makes excuses for them to meet up. 1 on 1.
Im sure theres more, but I dont want to scour through every message and feed into this more than I already have incase its nothing, but am I crazy for thinking there may be something going on with her? I dont want to bring it up incase it is nothing and I look like Im being paranoid. It just isnt sitting right.
I’m also pregnant, and the hormones are doing their thing.
Should I say something? Or leave it and monitor this more closely for a bit?
Or is this the effect of a 30-something pregnant mum whose husband seems to be aging like a fine wine, and any female he meets doing what he loves, being in amazing shape due to the hobby?
Relevant Comments
UsuallyWrite2: I am kind of like your husband. I do a lot of helping people—in a different vein though. And there are a lot of rather lonely and awkward people out there who just keep messaging once they have my contact info—men and women.
I think you’ve handled this with grace. But I think it’s totally reasonable for you to have a convo with hubby and just say “dude, she’s pretty pushy and you’re not doing anything wrong but I’d appreciate it if you’d shut her down and just tell her that you’re not in a position to be a coach and your ride time is focused so you can’t help her.”
She sounds a little star struck and needy but he’s not doing anything wrong here so I wouldn’t make it a big hairy deal.
OOP: Thank you, I just dont want to be the pregger wife whose demanding he blocks women because I’m making things up in my head!
lizerpetty: He “ran into her” while he was out walking his dogs? Was that a planned meeting? Does she live near you? Aw hell naw! That’s stalker behavior! He needs to cut her off now!
OOP: No, the bike park. He was up with the dogs when she spotted them and called one over. Honestly I have no idea where she lives. I know very little about her other than shes much younger than me.
Inevitable_Rate9652: Totally not on topic, but what are gun dogs? Sounds like your husband is just being nice, but that chic is being scandalous! Sometimes men don’t pick up on this stuff so I’d bring it to his attention and talk about how you both should handle this psycho disrespectful woman!
OOP: Hunting dogs, ours are used weekly for flushing/retrieving. Thank you. Ive had enough comments to make me feel confident enough that I’m not being dramatic. Will be talking to him about it once our daughters in bed tonight and go from there.
Top Comments
explodingwhale17: It sounds like your husband is uninterested in her and she is pushing boundaries. Tell your husband you feel uncomfortable. He may welcome a chance to strategize how to push her away more clearly.
It would probably help if he told her he was busy with his wife and children and not interested in connecting although he’s sure she’ll find a group to bike with. He could block her if he feels he needs to.
He sounds like a great guy. Congrats on the coming baby!
Update (rareddit) - April 3, 2024
It escalated quickly.
First post:
So, my last post got a lot more responses than I thought it would get. I wasnt going to post an update, but feel like I owe it to all the people telling me to trust my gut.
For those asking why my husband hadnt been more abrupt with her, in a nutshell, he always tries to keep the peace. I downplayed how well known he is in our town. He comes from a well known family in our area, and was a downhill rider in the UCI, and features in various youtube channels. People come here specifically for the bike trails, and typically where ever he goes, theres usually a handful of people who recognise him and want to say hello. Its not a …
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