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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2024-04-10 06:01:14.
Original Title: My (39F) Ex husband (37M) is insisting I change my last name back to my maiden name because his new fiancé (24F) feels it will be awkward for her and I to have the same last name. AITAH for refusing to change it?
I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/ThrowRAHappyLiving. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole
Mood Spoiler: Happy Ending so far
I added paragraph breaks for readability.
Original Post: March 31, 2024
My (39F) ex-husband (38M) has been dating this women for 3 years. For context, she is 24 years old. My ex and I were married for 12 years, and have been divorced for 5 years, we have three kids together who are now teenagers. My ex and I got divorced because we were young when we met and got married and we grew apart as people. It was a mutual decision, and we agreed our kids came first and have always coparented very well. This has been the case up until the last year when his girlfriend moved in with him.
Previously we would do holidays and kids birthdays together, now when she is present they won’t even sit near me at our kids sporting events. I have always been nice to this women, despite my kids expressing they do not like her and they feel their dad acts differently when she is around.
My ex told me early on she wasn’t a fan of me and felt I intimidated her. When I asked him for examples of how intimidated her, he said it’s my fave, that I have resting bitch face and it makes her uncomfortable. My ex and her got engaged over Christmas and my kids were less than thrilled, my daughter especially. She feels her dad made a major life decision without even talking to them about it first.
My ex called me yesterday saying he is giving me a heads up that I have a year to change my last name back to my maiden name as his finance is expressing her distaste and concern for her and I to have the same last name when they get married. I told him we agreed in our divorce that I could keep his last name until I felt the need to change it, and that is what is listed in our paperwork. I also told him I don’t want to have a different last name than our kids.
He said I’m being unreasonable and refusing to see how this would make his finance uncomfortable. I told him I can’t see it from her side because I am a grown up, and not an immature child like she is. He told me I could ask anyone about this situation, and everyone would agree with her. So, AITAH for refusing to change my last name to make her happy?
Relevant Comments:
Tell him you’ll change it if you can change the kids’ last names too:
I did offer that as a solution and he completely lost it saying he is their dad and they deserve to have his last name. Yet when I said I wanted the same last name as our kids, he told me that wasn’t a legitimate reason to not change it.
Does your ex know how the kids feel about his fiancée?
Yes, I told him how my daughter felt after they got engaged and his response was “their opinion doesn’t matter, they will be grown and out of the house in a few years so I’m not going to put my life on hold for their opinion.
Is it a unique last name?
It’s very unique. There are only 5 of us in our town with the last name. Me, him, and our 3 kids.
What do your kids want? Have you asked?
I have, they all said they didn’t want me to have a different last name than they do.
More on why fiancée might not like her:
All he has said is that I intimidate her, and she has had issues with how often we talk. Mind you, our conversations are about the kids, what they have going on that week for sporting events and practices. I can tell him on Monday what is going that week, and I still have to remind him the day of. She has asked that I communicate with her what the kids have going on, so I send the info in a group text to them both, however it still require a phone call the day of to remind him.
Why do you remind him?
Because if I don’t call to remind him, he forgets which leaves our kids without their dad at their events, or being left at school waiting for a ride from practice. Yes, I go to everyone single event the kids have, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want their dad there also.
You didn’t write this in good faith and want us all to hate her:
I was by no means trying to make anyone hate her, I was trying to put the full context of where things are currently at. I also don’t hate her, my ex sees to be happy with her, and that’s what matters. My issue is her now trying to interfere with my personal life and dictate what I do. I also don’t intend to share this post with him, it is simply me trying to figure if I am being unreasonable.
Clarification:
Commenter: Fuck him and don’t be intimidated by him or his (too young) fiancee. Out of interest, the use or non use of the married name in divorce proceedings- is that common? Divorced once myself and it never even got mentioned!
OOP: Not sure if this is new or not. We agreed on everything in our divorce, and we filled out the paperwork together. We hired an attorney just to make sure everything was filed correctly and the attorney had asked about my intentions for changing my name as he wanted to make sure it was documented correctly.
OOP is voted NTA
Update Post: April 3, 2024 (3 days later)
Several of you have asked for an update on my ex husband giving me a year to change my last name back to my maiden name because his fiancee was uncomfortable with her and I having the same last name.
I tried to link the original post, but it is not allowing me to do so, and I’m not sure the best way to give an update, so I will try this.
To clarify the reason he gave me a year is because they are getting married some time next year and wanted my name changed prior to their wedding.
Anyway, my ex called me yesterday and said he had done a lot of research on ex wives keeping the ex husbands last name after a divorce. He stated he didn’t realize how common this is, especially when there are children from the marriage.
He also said this had been my last name for 17 years, my entire adult life has been with this last name, and I have built a career with it. He basically acknowledged that every reason I had to keep it was legitimate.
He apologized for the way he initially approached me about changing my last name, and explained he is in a bad spot trying to make his fiancée happy. He also explained she feels that by me keeping his last name must mean I’m still in love with him and this is my secret way of assuring we end up together again some day.
I informed this was not, nor will it ever be the case. Yes, I care deeply about him because I was married to him for 12 years and he is the father of my children, and I want him to be happy in life. However, I fell out of love with him many years ago and that will not change.
He said he informed his fiancée that he will not bring this up to me again, and if she didnt like it, the ball was in her court to decide if she wanted to continue their relationship.
Thank you all for the feedback on my original post. I never expected this kind of response, and an overwhelming amount of comments and advice!
Relevant Comments:
Clarification on timeline:
“Married for 12, divorced now for 5”
“My ex and I didn’t end on bad terms. We both realized we had grown apart as people and no similar interests aside from having kids together. We needed our marriage very peacefully and on very good terms. I never hated him, we just both realized we were better off as coparents than spouses.”
Editor’s note: There is a link to the Today Show sharing this post. You can find a tiktok clip of it here
Thanks to u/trvllvr for finding that!