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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2024-04-10 06:03:05.

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I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Just_cats581. She posted in r/povertyfinance, r/NarcissisticSpouses, r/abusiverelationships, r/AskLawyers, r/AITAH and r/femalelivingspace

I added some paragraph breaks for readability.

Please read trigger warnings.

Trigger Warnings: financial abuse; physical abuse; emotional abuse

Mood Spoiler: hopeful

Original Post: February 13, 2024

I have a good job and make $60k per year. My boyfriend of five years owns his own business, but it isn’t really profitable. We rely heavily on my income to get us by. I pay for 2/3 of the mortgage (he pays the other 1/3 most of the time). I also pay our electric bill, internet, groceries, vet bills, and if we ever go out to eat or do anything it’s expected that I’ll pay. I also have my car payment and other expenses. I’ve talked to him about the burden this puts on me financially and he just gets upset when I bring it up. He also gets upset when I tell him I can’t afford certain things or I’m trying to cut back to save money. I understand he’s struggling, but so am I and I just don’t see any end in sight. It’s been five years and nothing has improved. I love him, but I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I currently have $20 in my bank account and I don’t get paid until Friday. Any advice, recommendations, etc is appreciated.

Relevant Comments:

You’re being taken advantage of and he only complains:

“Very well said. I dropped $200+ on groceries this weekend (as I do most weekends) and when I got home he complained that I didn’t get certain things…I can’t deal with paying AND not getting any appreciation.”

“Yeah these tantrums are pretty common with him.”

“He literally always tells me I’m not supportive! It drives me crazy.”

Does he do ANYTHING?

He does help cook sometimes and he maintains the outside of the house, which I appreciate.

At least you don’t have kids:

“He talks about having kids in the future…not at this rate, sir.”

“He shockingly wants me to stay home with the kids. How would that even be possible?😂”

Do you have any ownership of his business?

I have no ownership of his business. At one point I wanted to marry him, but I no longer do.

Get a separate bank account!

We don’t have a shared bank account, so that’s good.

Is it an actual real business/what kind of business?

“It’s a real business…and a money pit. He’s definitely putting in the hours, but the return doesn’t reflect that. I’m not sure what he’s doing wrong, but I don’t have time to figure it out for him.”

“I don’t want to get too specific because I’m paranoid about people figuring out who I am😅 But it’s related to agriculture/heavy machinery, etc. He works outside everyday and also works alone.”

More clarification:

Commenter: By the mortgage you mean yours right? Please tell me you’re the only person on it… you need to cut him off. Like now. Unless he is disabled he is a grown ass adult and needs to go get a j o b.

Why are you supporting your boyfriend to grown his business that you have no right to? While he is getting his lifestyle subsidized by you he is taking advantage of you. You need to stop allowing this because say if in one year business takes off it becomes worth thousands of dollars you can be left broke with nothing. Is that really worth it? It’s not.

You need to tell him he pays half of everything. 50/50 going forward or he moves out and your rent out the other space in your home. And you won’t be broke all the time. You need to really think of the benefits of your relationship because it seems like you make good money.

OOP: Thank you. He always asks when I’m getting a raise, but my income isn’t the problem. Unfortunately both of our names are on the mortgage. I’m tempted to put it up for sale, but I don’t know how he would feel about moving forward with selling. It’s a tough situation.

Commenter: Why would you support a grown ass adult you aren’t even married to for five years??? It makes no sense.

OOP: Yeah I don’t know either. I made stupid choices in my twenties.

Update Post 1: March 17, 2024 (1 month later)

Title: I tried to break up with him but I couldn’t.

We had a long conversation last night about what’s been bothering me. I can’t deal with the emotional abuse and feeling like I’m not cared about. At first he was angry. He was yelling, calling me ugly, telling me he never loved me, wishing he never met me, “playfully” punching my arms and legs. Then he became incredibly emotional and started crying. He said he was sorry and admitted that something is wrong with him. I don’t know what to do. I feel done with the relationship, but I can’t stand seeing him get like that. I’ve never seen him cry. We’re not married, but we have a house together so it’s complicated. I just don’t know how to end this.

Update Post 2: March 18, 2024 (Next Day)

Title: How do I get out?

I’ve (30F) been with my boyfriend (29M) for five years. Over the past three years the relationship has gotten very ugly, I feel like I don’t even know who he is sometimes. He’s emotionally abusive, financially abusive, manipulative, and he recently started getting more physically abusive. I tried to break up with him over the weekend and he said some horrible things to me and then proceeded to punch me, kick my legs, and put an electrical cord around my neck. He said he was just joking and playing around, but it didn’t seem that way. He said he was just angry and that’s why he did it, but he’s sorry and started crying. I don’t know how to leave him especially since we bought a house together. I feel trapped, scared, and hopeless.

Relevant Comment:

Connecting with a domestic hotline now. Not sure what to expect but hoping to get some guidance. Thank you for your support.

Update Post: March 25, 2024 (1 week later)

Title: Can’t even visit with my mom.

He told me I could visit with my mom and he would go run some errands, but I needed to leave when he was on his way home so we would get back at the same time. It takes me 30 minutes to get to my mom’s house, so that’s an hour of driving time. He finished the errands faster than expected, so I only got to be with my mom for a short time. He was upset that I didn’t leave at the exact time he did…I’m so tired of this.

Texts transcribed: (abuser is labeled POS for piece of shit)

POS: Thought you were leaving when I said I was leaving?

OOP: Leaving now

POS: Figured you’d do this shit again

OOP: ??

POS: Told you I was leaving an hour ago

OOP: I was literally only there for two hours

POS: Yeah remember when I said I was fine with it if you leave when I leave (new text) Must have forgotten?

OOP: I didn’t realize it was going to be such a short amount of time

POS: Yeah remember when I said I wanted to get this shit done with so I don’t have to bake out in the heat (new text) Must have forgotten that too

Update Post 3: March 26, 2024 (Next Day)

I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years and the abuse has gotten progressively worse over the last three years. It started as emotional abuse and now it’s becoming more physical. I just want to leave, but I don’t know how to go about dealing with the house. Any help would be appreciated.

Relevant Comment:

I am on the mortgage and pay the majority of it each month. Would selling the home be an option? I don’t think he could afford it by himself.

Editor’s note: There are lots of helpful comments left by lawyers if you or anyone you know are in a situation where you need info.

Update Post 4: March 27, 2024

Title: I’m leaving him and not saying a word.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years and he’s gotten progressively more abusive during that time (emotionally, physically, financially). I’m at my breaking point and have a plan to leave. My dilemma is he’s been acting overly nice for almost two weeks (since the last abusive episode), so I feel bad about leaving without any notice or explanation. I appreciate his effort to be nicer to me, but it feels very forced. I’m second guessing myself.

Update Post 5: March 29, 2024 (2 days later, 1.5 months from OG post)

Title: I finally left…why do I feel so terrible?

I left my abusive boyfriend today without notice, but I feel awful. I know he’s probably upset and that hurts me. Why do I care so muc…

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