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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2024-04-29 06:00:53.
I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/AITATAsharkymark. He posted in r/AmItheAsshole
Mood Spoiler: tentatively hopeful
Original Post: March 16, 2024
I (27M) have two stepbrothers, Justin (30M) and Evan (27M), our parents have been married for 15 years. I was close to be both throughout my teen years, however Evan and I no longer speak since we were 22. This is entirely my fault as I slept with his recent ex-girlfriend. I fucked up and ruined our relationship, and he will likely never speak to me again. I deserve it, and do not blame Evan at all. Justin and my stepmother also didn’t speak to me for a couple years.
Evan doesn’t want to see me, and so we havent been in the same room since we were 22 either. how this works is basically Evan getting invited first to anything that Justin or our parents are planning, and I am invited if he can’t make it. I know it’s awkward, and that I’ve cause this situation, I am just glad to see them at all, so it isn’t my place to complain.
Justin is getting married on Monday, and Evan is his best man. Justin and I haven’t really talked about the wedding at all, since I’m obviously not invited it would be awkward to do so. I booked a trip overseas during the time of his wedding, to get away instead of being home and sad not to be there. I didn’t tell Justin or our parents, because there was no need to bring it up. we all know I wasn’t going to be there, and why.
on Friday night Justin tried to call me but I was sleep (middle of the night where I am right now). I got his message this morning asking me to call him, and saying Evan has agreed I could come to the wedding and that he really wants me there. if I was home the wedding would be 45mins away and I’d go in a heartbeat, but im in Europe with a friend from college.
I told Justin that unfortunately I can’t make it because I’m away. now he’s mad at me for not telling him I was going away, and for all the effort he spent in convincing Evan to let me come. but I never asked him to do that, and I would have told him not to because I don’t think its fair to Evan who has sat a boundary. I’m not trying to cause him more pain.
Justin is pissed at me, and blocked me. one of cousins said he’s furious, and said like Evan he’s through with me. my dad called me later and told me if it’s about money he’d buy my ticket home, but I explained its not just about money (although a lot of the trip is unrefundable). if it was just me I’d consider going home, but im traveling with a friend who didn’t sign up to be in Europe for 10 days by himself.
My cousins and my dad think I’m being an asshole not coming to the wedding. but I think it’s unfair when the wedding is in two days. I know that the situation exists because of my actions, but AITA for not flying back tomorrow to attend the wedding?
edit: i know the majority said im NTA, but i spoke with my friend and im catching a flight home today (Monday) and coming back on Tuesday. I cant lose another brother or the opportunity to see evan. i dont think it was fair to ask, but i cant risk it.
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: Total NTA and your family are all idiots. You slept with dude’s ex five years ago and they’re still mad? And now they’re mad because you declined a late wedding invitation? That’s just nuts.
OOP: they had dated for 5 years and had been broken up for a month, and he hadn’t wanted the relationship to end. it was absolutely wrong of me, and I completely understand why he wants nothing to do with me. he was still in love with her and I knew that, because he was my brother and my best friend. I fucked up, and so I can’t be defended for what I did 5 years ago. it was bad, it was wrong. if I could take it back I would. I don’t think Evan is overreacting by cutting me out of his life, as much as I miss him and wish I could change it.
Commenter: INFO: Knowing what you did about Evan’s feelings and your relationship with him, how did you wind up sleeping with his ex?
OOP: Evan and I hadn’t really been getting along for a couple months. (I should have realised once they broke up that the reason he was being a difficult during this time was because he was stressed because of his relationship problems, but I didn’t. he just felt like he kept being an ass to me. and then when they broke up and I was trying to be there for him he made comments about how I dont understand because I’ve never had a gf as great as she was. which, I mean, I hadn’t had a longterm gf at that point, and that was a sore spot for me and he knew it. I was trying to be a good brother and support him and he kept being an asshole to me.
I was mad at him and hurt by him. I went out one night, saw her there. we started talking, then we kissed and then went home. what was going through my mind was he said I could never get with a girl like that, so I did it.
Commenter: Your brother doesn’t own her. Your entire family is being absolutely ridiculous and have convinced you that it’s your fault. I recommend therapy, because this doesn’t sound healthy.
OOP: i do have to admit, i am surprised at the number of people that think what i did wasnt that bad. I truly do not hold that position, and its not from my family convincing me. I believe that after they broke up my brother ex could move on and he doesnt have the right to shame her for it or to be mad at her for it (although im not sure what being mad at an ex accomplishes?), but i do truly think that my sleeping with her was wrong. it’s not about what she’s free to do, its about what i as his brother and friend shouldnt have done. i’d be pissed if the same thing was done to me, idk if it would last for 5 years, but id be mad. again, not mad at her, but mad at him.
Commenter: You are definitely NTA. Kudos on the self-awareness and taking responsibility for your actions. Can your dad buy your travel friend a ticket as well? Would your friend be interested in going to Justin’s wedding?
Seems like a golden opportunity to mend relationships BUT also, by Justin’s immature reaction, maybe the relationship is not ready to be mended yet.
OOP: the thing is, I didn’t think Justin and I were in a bad place. he was at my birthday, he invited me to his new year’s eve party. it’s just known that Evan doesn’t want to see me (for I think very justified reasons) and so if he is coming I don’t get invited. yes this sucks for me sometimes, but I am the one that fractured the relationship and so this is a side effect of that.
Commenter: OP, what about your dad? Where has he been in all this because it sounds like your dad keeps choosing his wife and her kids over his own kid. I get maybe a month of “you could have been more tactful, son,” but not 5 YEARS of letting his son be essentially thrown out of the family for one misguided adventure. And now he is chucking a tantrum because “family” so basically your only family when it suits them. Is that really how you want to spend the rest of your life
OOP: I do stuff with my dad all the time. if he’s doing something he always asks me first. but it’s also not like he plans a lot of stuff, usually my stepmom plans holidays and so she sends the invites first, and I get it. but like that first Christmas when Justin also wasn’t speaking to me and obviously I wasnt invited home, he came to spend lunchtime with me. he never abandoned me.
Commenter: So I have a couple questions- how did step mommy treat you vs her kids when you were younger? Was there contention? I’m getting the feeling she’s the one who’s been behind this elongated estrangement. Probably whispering in Evan’s ear to continue it. I honestly don’t know any dudes who would still be this upset, over 5 years later, about an ex - not ex wife or ex fiancé or mother of child - but ex girlfriend. I saw you commented Evan said something along the lines of “you wouldn’t understand because you’d never get a girl like her” and you pulled a hold my beer moment. Did your step brother’s always treat you and talk down to you condescendingly? Seems like there’s way more to the relationships/dynamics than you’ve let on. Were you always the odd man out at your dad’s house?
OOP: my stepmother never treated me badly. I met her when I was like 10 or 11, and her and my dad got married when I was 12 I think. they didn’t move in together until right before the wedding, so she wasn’t really helping to raise me until I was 12, which is a little older. it was fine. yeah she was closer to my Justin and Evan and did more for them, but she and I still had our things. the flip side is my dad was closer to and did more for me probably. also, big difference is Justin and Evan lived there full-time, while I was mostly every other week because I also lived with my bio-mom, while Justin and Evan did not have a relationship with their bio-dad, at all. there wasn’t contention. I seriously doubt she was encouraging Evan to continue it. when I graduated she was the one hounding me for my graduation picture so she could hang it on the wall.
I know some people have said they don’t understand Evan being this mad, for this long, but I think I do. …
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I know some people have said they don’t understand Evan being this mad, for this long, but I think I do. I should start my emphasising since we were 12 we were inseparable, even though I switched houses every other week and we went to different schools. we spent every weekend together. the more that I didn’t explain about Evan’s relationship is just how close we were. we have matching tattoos on our ass (which Justin refused to get) and upper arm (all three of us).
so around the time of the incident Evan became a real asshole to me. he was mean, condescending, always snapping at me. it had never been our relationship. he said stuff, I’d say stuff back, there were arguments. we were not on great terms at all. then he broke up with his gf, and I tried to be there to support him. I thought he was just going to go back to the old-Evan, and he didnt. the dig about me not having a gf was low because I’d talked to him about it before. he said it, I got pissed, and then I went and did what I did a few days later, because I was mad.
so, its not the case that I was odd man out with Evan, just the opposite. it’s why I understand how mad he was. someone sent him a photo of us kissing in the club - idk who but I assume one of the ex’s friends, and he showed up to my apartment in tears. just asking how could i. seriously I do not think my actions 5 years ago can be defended or should be minimised. I fucked up horribly, because I was mad at him.
sorry that that was more than you asked for, but there it is
Commenter: You’re forgetting the other half of the bedroom tango. She slept with her exs brother, too, remember. You didn’t force yourself on her. She was single and consenting. Did you ever consider that she slept with you for her own reason? Maybe she figured it was the only way to get your brother to accept that she wasn’t getting back together with him.
OOP: im sure she had her reasons. but it doesnt change how i view my actions. she wanted to move on and not speak to him again, which was definitely not what i wanted, because i wasnt planning on losing my best friend.
Commenter: At this point it’s best to stay on your trip. Obviously you didn’t know the change in heart would happen so you couldn’t plan for it. Just know that this is going to affect your relationship with both of them negatively, and maybe forever. NAH because I think being mad about it is somewhat justified (so long as it doesn’t escalate further than it has)
OOP: it’s certainly isn’t my intention to harm my relationship with Justin. the thought of losing another brother is scary. I just honestly had no idea he was working on this and was trying to have me there. if there was even the slimmest chance I wouldn’t have booked the trip. but the situation has been what it is for four years now, there never been a hint or suggesting that it would change
OOP is voted NTA
Update Post: April 22, 2024 (1 month later)
Original Post where I asked if I would be TA for not going to my brother justin’s wedding after a late invite. the late invite came because my other brother, Evan, who was not speaking to me and refused to be the same space with me after I slept with his ex, was invited and not me.
firstly, I would say that I really did take into consideration a lot of the comments that said I’ve been punished by the family enough. Evan has the right to still be mad but after this length of time I think it’s time the rest of my family start treating me as an equal member again.
I did fly home for the wedding. the friend who I was on vacation with was very agreeable to me going. I know the judgement was that I would not be TA for skipping, but I was just too scared to lose Justin too. Yes, I wanted to have the conversation about him treating me equally now, but to do that I first needed him to be speaking with me.
Unexpectedly, Justin actually picked me up from the airport. he was immediately apologetic for how he talked to me and the position he put me in in forcing me to fly home, and recognized it wasn’t right or fair. he even offered to pay the cost of my tickets. I accepted his apology, but told him we could talk about it more later, it was his wedding day and the focus should be on him and that.
we drove to the hotel where he and my parents and the other groomsmen, including Evan where you staying. Evan came to my room shortly after I checked in. It wasn’t a happy movie scene where we hugged and all was forgiven, it was really awkward, two people on eggshells. we just sorta agreed to have a good day for Justin, and talk at some later point. in the end I am glad I went to the wedding, as unfair as Justin asking was, it was pretty clear that having both me and Evan there that day meant a lot to him. I flew back out the next day to meet my friend.
since I’ve been back Evan and I have been talking and have met up. I’ve apologized again, but also he has forcing me out. he was (understandably) mad at me, and said he just could never seem to move past being mad, and it became easier to stay mad. but he missed me, he’s wanted to call and then backed off doing so. we are slowly working on things. it’s awkward, but getting better. I’ve met his gf and been to his apartment.
I did talk to Justin more about how unfair it was, and he agreed. as Evan is no longer demanding it be a ‘him-or-i’ choice, the conversation with Justin was easier. I would say that I was planning to man up and tell him I would no longer agree to that situation, and I hope I would have actually done so. but the situation no longer exists. he also did try to pay for my ticket again when I came back, but I didn’t accept his offer.
hopefully the year continues on this positive direction.
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: that’s just beyond sad. you don’t have ownership over your ex. getting mad that they slept with someone after you broke up is beyond ridiculous.
OOP: honestly did not expect this many people to think what I originally did wasn’t that bad. I very seriously disagree with them. the ex-gf was free to do whatever she wanted, they are correct about that, but I was suppose to be a brother and a friend, and I did not do that.
Commenter: I really don’t understand how Justin can be mad at you for leaving when it was pretty obvious you were not going to attend due to no invite. Why should you tell them you were going out of town?
OOP: I agree and Justin also agrees with that now. I think it had a lot to do with him having wedding stress and then also trying to bring me and Evan together at the same time. I think he felt like it was one chance and he didn’t want us to miss it.
He realized he had been unfair before I even spoke to him, which was why he came to pick me up from airport and apologize. That said, in the end I am glad I went
Commenter: I’m so glad you updated. This was the rare post where I read every single comment. I’m really happy to hear Justin pulled his head outta his ass. How have things been with your dad since you’ve been back? I remember one poignant comment that pointed out that your dad “saw you all the time” but also never noticed you prepping for a big trip.
OOP: things with my dad have been ok since I’ve been back. he was upset to learn that I wasn’t in the country and hadn’t mentioned to him that I was going away, which is fair. the reason he didn’t know about me going away was because I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want him to know. even though I felt like I understood Justin’s decision, it was still embarrassing and I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone, including my dad, so I went away.
One more thought from OOP:
Right now I also consider myself extremely fortunate that Evan seems open to building a relationship. A couple people have suggested what i did wasn’t that bad, but I don’t agree. I understand why he was hurt and why we will probably never get back to where we were.
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Naaa sleeping with brother ex is bad. What’s also bad is complaing dude not coming 2 days before the wedding when he didn’t get invited. Wtf. What if he didn’t have an outfit? Can’t hold him against that.
Definitely asshole move to sleep with Evan’s ex, especially since he seemed to do it out of spite. 5 years is more than long enough to get over it though since he seems remorseful. Glad Justin came around at the end too, weddings do be stressful and he wasn’t thinking right about this
