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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/New-Bird9112 on 2023-07-27 03:45:59.
Some context: my sister has found her identity later in life (40s) and as of 6 months ago, came out as queer. She’s in a very serious relationship (moved herself and her two children in with new partner after a couple of months, and they are now engaged) with the first person she dated when she came out and joined the queer apps.
Historically, my sister has a tendency to move into relationships at this speed, sometimes quicker. They usually end when she realizes she didn’t know the person well enough before marrying/moving in with them and makes vows to not move so quickly the next time. So, the gender is different this time around but the timeline is about the same.
She is out to our immediate family, including aunts and uncles. We come from a SCARY conservative Christian fundamentalist family, and they have reacted…. Exactly as expected. It’s heart breaking but not surprising. The only members of the family who don’t know are my elderly grandparents who are also incredibly conservative and homophobic. My feelings about them are complicated because of their views, but I still give a fk about them. My sister let me know tonight that she will not lie to anyone at my wedding weekend, and my grandparents are bound to find out. My mother’s one request when my sister came out to them was that she not share this part of herself with my grandparents (who my sister sees maybe once every other year.)
When my sister told me she’s planning on coming out to my grandparents at my wedding, I point blank asked her not to. I am the only member of our family who celebrated her coming out and have maintained a regular relationship with her. I just want this one weekend to not be centered around her identity as a queer person, and instead to just be as peaceful and fun as it possibly can be. Almost every convo I have with family ends up with me defending and affirming her identity. I don’t say this to say she owes me, but to communicate that most of mine/my fiancé’s engagement period has been centered around the conflict between them.
When I asked her to just chill for the wedding and that she lie/omit to my grandparents for the weekend (her fiancé is working that weekend and won’t be attending) she cried and said that she’s done bearing the burden of hiding who she is and if she comes out she comes out. She said that my grandparents were part of the people that forced her to hide who she is so she doesn’t give AF if they are upset about it.
I just want this one weekend to not be centered on her. I feel like asking this automatically marks me as a bigot, and yet I stand by this one request. One weekend in my life that is about celebrating me/my fiancé. Am I the asshole?