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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-06-27 04:01:01+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/AbleOne9985
Originally posted to r/AITAH
AITAH because I call my Psycho Ex’s unrelated child my ‘Naughter’?
Thanks to u/soayherder, u/queenlegolas, and u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: possible infidelity, manipulation
Original Post: June 15, 2024
Buckle up. 15 years ago I was 25 and was finishing my contract and my then GF of 3 years Natalie was acting increasingly strange. I came back from a two month assignment and was prepared to break up with Natalie. She came by and gave me the good news she was pregnant. I asked how far along she was, she said five weeks so I broke it off with her and told her she needed to do better at math.
She refused the breakup and insisted the baby was mine, so I told her the following: 1) Paternity test, and 2) if the child was mine we can talk about financial support and custody arrangements with lawyers.
She refused both and told everyone we both knew that I was a deadbeat for knocking her up and leaving her. I told everyone I was on a two month assignment when she conceived, but a few insisted for the sake of ‘decency’ I house her and give her limited support.
I consulted a lawyer about this mess and the lawyer made it very very clear that any overt support I give could be seen as me taking responsibility, so I told these friends that and most dropped it, except one guy, who again insisted that charity couldn’t be used as a legal cudgel like that. I told him if he believes that he can house her. He agreed to drop it after that.
Child was born and not even going to do the whole ‘she didn’t look like me’ because most babies are born with squished faces and all I saw were the pics she sent me with messages like “Emma wants to know where daddy is” and shit. She still refused to take any paternity tests. But her constantly showing up with that baby got to the point where I filed an RO.
Fun fact, in my state, a permanent RO is not, in fact, permanent. It is two fucking years long. The only way to get it longer is if there was a violent crime associated. And apparently bugging someone with a baby that’s not theirs is not a violent crime. So my life for the last 14 years was me renewing the RO every two years because, once it clears, Natalie shows up again with my not-child.
I did eventually find a nice girl, get married, and now I have 9 year old son, Henry. My wife Kim is well aware of Natalie and Emma. When the cycle begins again, I always say the same thing: 1) Paternity Test, 2) once paternity is proven, I will take custody and get financial support set up. Natalie always refuses and says both are ‘insulting’.
Recently the cycle started again, and this time Emma showed up first. She approached my son during a school event (visit to the zoo) and said “Hi, I’m your big sister Emma!” Henry knows about stranger danger and ran away to a teacher. I had to have a very very painful talk to the teachers and parents that were at the event about my relationship with Emma and Natalie, and how Emma was never my daughter. I even called her my ‘Naughter’ once or twice in the conversation.
After the group disbanded, one of the mothers confronted me and said that while Natalie was in the wrong telling this poor child I was her father, calling her my ‘Naughter’ was mocking this situation. I kind of get where she’s coming from, just I can’t help this child, and the honest truth is playing light of the 2 year cycles is the closest I can get to finding peace in the situation.
Additional Information from OOP on his same responses to multiple questions about custody and DNA Tests
EDIT: To answer the repeated question, in my state the mother has to start the petition for the father to be established and the test to start. There is no instance where a father can start the petition. There was a chance to do this when Emma was born, but the window was exactly one month, and I was much too focused on the RO, not thinking the paternity angle would bite me in the butt.
One Last Time: To everyone saying “Just ask for custody! That’ll force DNA test!”
Literally can’t be done. Been through this enough with a lawyer, and have consulted with other lawyers. There are laws protecting children, and a lot of them exist for good reason. I’ll explain it the way my lawyer explained it.
Imagine there’s a woman that ran from an abusive ex. She finds out after she escaped she’s pregnant. She gives birth, never puts the ex on the birth certificate, never tries to file for support because she wants to get as far away from him as possible. He finds out years later, and tries to rope her back in using the child as leverage. She can just say “No” and the state has to let it go. There is however a provision if the father was involved enough to know when the birth was, that he could submit his DNA to the state within 31 days of birth as a ‘potential father’, but that time has long passed.
The law’s designed this way on purpose. In the eyes of the family court, I am a ‘random person’, and I was never claimed to Emma. If you think the state wants all children to be claimed by fathers and will gladly submit any DNA test whenever any potential father shows up, find a random single mom, call the family court and say you want to claim her child. I am tired of everyone acting like all I needed to do was fill out one sheet of paper and this nightmare would end.
Please, just call a lawyer for a free consultation, or post on legal advice and ask them. It doesn’t work that way!
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA
Relevant Comments
Sorry_Mistake5043: Seems like it would be possible to get a soda can or napkin the child used to do a DNA test. I’m sorry for the child though. One crazy manipulative parent.
OOP: This isn’t TV. You can’t DNA test a child without that custodial parent’s consent.
Suspicious_Spite5781: That’s not entirely true. You can, it just won’t be admissible in court. We all know you’re not the dad or she would have done this herself to get your money…if nothing else.
OOP: If it is done, I want to it be admissible in court. I wouldn’t want to give Natalie a chance to weasel out if it by claiming we faked it
dappled_turnoff0a: NTA. I can understand why someone would think that this is callous, but it’s your business and you’ve every right to use humor to try to deal with it.
Don’t say that to Emma, considering that she believes your mom that would be pretty rude.
Now, the burning question: how did she find Henry while he was on a field trip?
OOP: We suspect Natalie befriended a mom at the school and got a class schedule, then dropped Emma off at the zoo to ‘be with her brother’. Since we are unrelated, I have no idea what school Emma goes to, or who Natalie’s friends are.
We are being very ‘reactive’ to the situation, but because there are children involved, my lawyer said that that’s the best we can do, and any type of investigation into Natalie beyond where to send legal paperwork could make it seem like ‘mutual contact’ and hurt any future RO’s.
lovescarats: You could get a court ordered DNA test. Her claims are slanderous, you could take her to court to prove paternity.
OOP: Natalie has long since stopped calling me out for being a ‘deadbeat’ online. She prefers to show up in person asking if I want to meet ‘our daughter’. The last time the cops confronted her about this, she claims that she only wanted me to act as a ‘paternal father figure’ to her child. It really depends on the cops that show up.
MaddnessXD: NTAH at some point it becomes draining and the little girl is going to need some serious therapy after everything is said and done. Why don’t you go to the courthouse and make her do one so it can come to a end ?
OOP: Because Natalie does not consent to it. And she said she’s not seeking any sort of court ordered support, so the court just shrugs and says “Get a protective order”.
OOP was asked if it’s possible that RO can be applied to his son since Emma stalked him at the zoo
OOP: A usual RO applies to immediate family, and can be modified for immediate family for both parties, which is what we are seeking now.
OOP was asked about his state laws on the process of establishing paternity
OOP: In my state the laws are very clear about the process of establishing paternity. A mother can name a father and then petition the father to submit DNA for testing. A father cannot do the same to a mother except in a very very specific situation, which is in a window of one month after the child is born. Any time after that, a mother can simply deny having her child tested. Which Natalie has done, REPEATEDLY.
Update: June 17, 2024
Got off the phone with my attorney. We have a preliminary hearing on the new RO this week. We will most likely be issued a temporary RO, and then after that another hearing for the …
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