**I am NOT OOP, OOP is** u/ITZEVERLYBEAR **Originally posted to r/raisedbynarcissists** **My "motherly" aunt wants me to give up my unborn baby...
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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-06-28 04:02:05+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ITZEVERLYBEAR

Originally posted to r/raisedbynarcissists

My “motherly” aunt wants me to give up my unborn baby girl to my “godly” infertile cousin

Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Trigger Warnings: fertility issues, death of loved ones, possible religious abuse, depression, emotional abuse and manipulation, harassment

Original Post: June 18, 2024

I (24F) am currently 8 months pregnant with a baby girl and my aunt/cousin have been giving me trouble since I have announced the news. My partner and I already adore our girl and have no plans to give her up, but my aunt wants me to give up my child to my cousin, who has been suffering for infertility for the past 5 years.

For more context, my aunt has raised my sister and I as a motherly figure after our mother passed away when we were very young. We have been quite close with our aunt/cousin throughout our life and have been trying to support my cousin through her struggles with infertility.

My aunt is also very religious being a Mormon who regularly attends church and has a very rigid, close-minded view on morality/values and living a good life. She believes that a child deserves a strong, foundational religious upbringing with a strong, providing father and a loving, attentive mother.

Since my partner is not Christian and because we both have full-time jobs and careers, she believes that my child will grow up “confused” and “misguided” in our household due to our religious differences, lacking a proper sense of identity and adequate care. She says she fears that our child’s well-being will not be put first in such an environment and that our kid could likely go down a “dark, immoral path.” According to her, my cousin, who works part time from home, and her husband are way better able to provide my child with a loving home with good values and religion.

I have both my aunt and cousin blocked on most forms of communication and I have moved to a new home, where they do not know the address. My partner and I also got married in a private ceremony so they won’t have control over my medical decisions.

Out of the two, my aunt has been more aggressively towards me and even showed up to my old apartment one day to scream and argue with me about the situation. She, in a fake nice tone, tried to get me to come with her to a cafe near the church to speak with me about the baby even when I told her there is nothing to be discussed and that I’m keeping the baby. I spoke with the apartment manager and had to hide until she left after half an hour. My aunt also has her church friends after me. They sometimes regularly send me hostile text message and voicemails.

My cousin has been on the quieter side towards me and has been struggling with depression and trauma from her latest pregnancy last year ending in a stillbirth of her baby girl after preterm labor at 30 weeks. She has been regularly posting on social media and has joined motherhood-related groups. I’ve heard through gossip that she is trying to get a baby through those groups and has been banned from a considerable amount of them to her dismay. She had been harassing young moms and widows for their babies. My cousin is desperate for a baby to “fix” her family and is apparently “waiting for [MY NAME] to give birth” for my baby girl, who she apparently sees her own late baby in. My aunt and her are apparently sure that I will be overwhelmed with my decision and the responsibilities with motherhood that I will give up/“give more” to my baby by letting my cousin and her husband adopt her. My aunt says that giving my baby to my cousin shouldn’t be as hard as it could be because we are family and that I could have a baby later on as I am still young and have plans to attend grad school after working for a while.

My cousin also apparently wants to get into contact as we had before my pregnancy. I will not be speaking to her again until after I give birth to see where she is then and to prevent further stress during my pregnancy. I have been very supportive of her through her infertility journey and generally liked her more than my aunt growing up, but her behavior and thinking have shocked me and are making me fear for my safety.

I am planning a big wedding party for next year since my partner and I privately got married this year and I am not sure if my cousin/aunt would be invited and able to come. I have a lot of family support from both sides right now apart from those who are close to them and on their side, but I’m not sure if that support will be as strong in a year and what my relationship with my aunt/cousin will be then.

I have skipped some family events that I know they will be at, but I don’t want to miss out on those family gatherings and fun forever. I’m not sure how the future will look like with my aunt/cousin after my baby and the issues that arise with that. Any support would be appreciated.

Relevant Comments

That’s your baby and your baby alone. Get law enforcement involved if you have to. Get restraining orders if you have to. If you ever do talk to your aunt/cousin again, remind them how there are plenty of other babies in your area that are waiting to be adopted. Best of luck and congratulations ❤️

OOP: Thanks! Regarding adoption, I don’t think my cousin would be a great adoptive mother so I would rather not encourage her on that. Based on what I know, she only wants a baby girl right now and the baby has to be “like her” (aka white and have whiter features) and must not have any issues. She does not want to deal with or involve the birth mother and pretty much wants to act like the adoption never happened. Her mentality tells me she is only adopting for selfish reasons and does not want to make the adoption the beautiful thing it can be for everyone involved. Although I am NOT giving her my baby, I am hypothetically concerned of how she would treat me and try to alienate me from any relationship with the child if I were in that position.

Please, whatever you do do not allow your aunt or your cousin to be anywhere near your child. Don’t allow them to hold your child. Do not ever ever allow them to babysit your child because your child will disappear. If it all possible in the future, maybe consider moving out of that city. Make sure that you have cameras set up around your house even if they don’t know where you live now there’s always a chance that they could follow you home from work. Be hyper vigilant.

Congratulations on the soon to be birth of your little one

OOP: My partner and I have moved out of the city and into a new home recently. My aunt/cousin have become aware of this but don’t know the address. I didn’t think much of being followed home from work, but since they don’t know where I live anymore, they may try something at my workplace. I’ll have to talk about this more with my coworkers/boss and alert them sternly

OOP on the religion and where she stands at with her beliefs

OOP: I was raised Mormon and my aunt has always been pushing the religion and all its components on me and my sister. Now we are both not very religious and do not regularly attend church. I still believe in Jesus, but I am definitely not near what my aunt is and wants me to be in religion. She says she is disappointed with me on that and is using my “lack of devotion” to say that my baby will be even worse off than me and go down the wrong path if I’m like this with a Mormon upbringing.

 

Update: June 21, 2024

This will be a small update. We got in contact with the local church leader and talked to them about the situation with my aunt and cousin, who are both active members. We talked to him for a while. He initially dismissed my concerns as personal conflict between family and tried to refer us over to counseling services.

We explained to him that my cousin is dealing with trauma from her baby’s death and that she is having false hopes about adopting my baby, which would be raised in a good home. We also told him that my aunt is feeding into those hopes and has been harassing me on her behalf, causing disturbance and a lot of stress. He told me he understood my side and that he knew what my cousin has been going through with her inability to have kids. He said he would contact my aunt and cousin to see what they have to say about the situation.

I talked again with him today. He said that my aunt and cousin would like to speak with me and that they were concerned that I stopped communicating with them, especially since I moved away. I explained to him that their behavior regarding my baby influenced me to do those things and pressed him on what they said. He said that my cousin had talked with a church therapist and was looking into adoption to start a family because her IVF treatments were likely not going to produce a child with her condition. I emphasized to him that I was not giving up my baby and that my cousin had been thinking such. He said that understood that and started asking me for personal details on how I was doing now. He was again trying to set up a meeting between …

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  • @[email protected]English
    2•3 days ago

    I talked again with him today. He said that my aunt and cousin would like to speak with me and that they were concerned that I stopped communicating with them, especially since I moved away. I explained to him that their behavior regarding my baby influenced me to do those things and pressed him on what they said. He said that my cousin had talked with a church therapist and was looking into adoption to start a family because her IVF treatments were likely not going to produce a child with her condition. I emphasized to him that I was not giving up my baby and that my cousin had been thinking such. He said that understood that and started asking me for personal details on how I was doing now. He was again trying to set up a meeting between us and my aunt/cousin and referring us to services. I told him I was not comfortable with that at the moment and he told me to at least call my cousin once. He said he will meet with my aunt on Sunday since I was “too scared” to do on my own. Our call ended after that.

    I’ll comment any update on what he says in the coming days under this post.

    EDIT: I am not satisfied with his response and do not like that he is putting pressure on me with reconnect with my aunt and cousin. He says he understands my concerns, but I think he is being rather dismissive of them and trying to force us to “resolve” our issues. My partner and I thought it was worth a shot reaching out to him to because he has influence and religious authority over my aunt/cousin. I’ll see what he says on the next phone call and see what I can do to make him care more.

    EDIT: To make clear, I didn’t give him any personal information and have no plans for any in-person meeting with my aunt and cousin. We are in contact with legal help. We do not live in Utah.

    Relevant Comments

    OOP on the church leader not believing her and how he is “helping” her and her husband

    OOP: That may be why he is trying to refer us over to church counseling. He says he will talk to my aunt and I will just play along and see what he/they say after that. After this, I am not sure how helpful involving the stake president will be and if I want to pursue that. ~ Our church leadership has a reputation on focusing on what benefits them and often pivot to that even if they initially side with you and try to help. My aunt/cousin are rather wealthy so their tithe is probably worth enough for him to firmly favor them.

    100% a trap. Yikes

    Plus, the way the church leader dismissed OP as being, “too scared,” was extremely condescending and manipulative. What a scummy way for him to behave. Fuck that guy.

    OOP: That comment really upset me after I told him everything that was going on and my fears. I’m not just “too scared,” I fear for the safety and well-being of my family. I fear for the possible escalations, my cousin’s/aunt’s expectations and actions, and more. These fears are real and are very valid given the circumstances. That really bothered me.

    Why are you even risking it? He will get your address and then pass it on to your aunt. They may try to follow you back home after that meeting to know where you live. Possibly find out other details too like your hospital address from the church leader and they can get there with the excuse of checking on you and get your baby. I’ve heard of real cases where they took the newborn baby to another state from the hospital itself so it will be harder for the police to track them down. Please don’t associate with them any longer, not the church and not your aunty and cousin either. Don’t risk your baby being kidnapped. You’re the one who will suffer at the end trust me the church won’t be able to help you if things go wrong. If it’s possible, move somewhere as far as you can for the sake of your baby’s safety.

    OOP: We talked with him over the phone and have no plans right now for any in-person meetings.

    ----NEW UPDATE---- DISCLAIMER: OOP HAS UPDATED AFTER THE BoRU WAS POSTED

    SO PER RULES UPDATE IS INCLUDED

    Update 6/28 (in comments): June 28, 2024

    UPDATE 6/28: We spoke again with the bishop. He said that there isn’t much he can personally do to “resolve” the situation “within his capacity” between me and my aunt/cousin other than refer to counseling services. I asked him if he did meet with my aunt and he said he did. Their conversation was apparently focused on my cousin and helping her heal. He told me my cousin was also grieving the loss of communication with me and my sister who hasn’t been talking much to her anymore. I told him that my cousin was trying to take my baby to replace hers and that her and my aunt’s behavior was threatening the safety and well-being of me and my family. I think he was losing interest in the conversation so he just told me to do whatever I feel is best for my family, but to consider the grief my cousin has been through and contact family counseling services for further help on this matter. Me and my partner sent him an email afterwards with a copy to our lawyer to close off communication.

    I decided to unblocked my cousin and send her a message. I told her that my partner and I are keeping our baby and that is not up for discussion. I encouraged her to seek proper therapy if she hasn’t already done so and told her that I am not comfortable with her, her husband, or my aunt being involved in my child’s life. She hasn’t responded yet. Regardless of what she says, our relationship will not return to as it was before and she will not be a part of my child’s life.

    DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP