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The original was posted on /r/exmormon by /u/Stoketastick on 2024-06-28 15:36:24+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ITZEVERLYBEAR
Originally posted to r/raisedbynarcissists
My “motherly” aunt wants me to give up my unborn baby girl to my “godly” infertile cousin
Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability
Trigger Warnings: fertility issues, death of loved ones, possible religious abuse, depression, emotional abuse and manipulation, harassment
Original Post: June 18, 2024
I (24F) am currently 8 months pregnant with a baby girl and my aunt/cousin have been giving me trouble since I have announced the news. My partner and I already adore our girl and have no plans to give her up, but my aunt wants me to give up my child to my cousin, who has been suffering for infertility for the past 5 years.
For more context, my aunt has raised my sister and I as a motherly figure after our mother passed away when we were very young. We have been quite close with our aunt/cousin throughout our life and have been trying to support my cousin through her struggles with infertility.
My aunt is also very religious being a Mormon who regularly attends church and has a very rigid, close-minded view on morality/values and living a good life. She believes that a child deserves a strong, foundational religious upbringing with a strong, providing father and a loving, attentive mother.
Since my partner is not Christian and because we both have full-time jobs and careers, she believes that my child will grow up “confused” and “misguided” in our household due to our religious differences, lacking a proper sense of identity and adequate care. She says she fears that our child’s well-being will not be put first in such an environment and that our kid could likely go down a “dark, immoral path.” According to her, my cousin, who works part time from home, and her husband are way better able to provide my child with a loving home with good values and religion.
I have both my aunt and cousin blocked on most forms of communication and I have moved to a new home, where they do not know the address. My partner and I also got married in a private ceremony so they won’t have control over my medical decisions.
Out of the two, my aunt has been more aggressively towards me and even showed up to my old apartment one day to scream and argue with me about the situation. She, in a fake nice tone, tried to get me to come with her to a cafe near the church to speak with me about the baby even when I told her there is nothing to be discussed and that I’m keeping the baby. I spoke with the apartment manager and had to hide until she left after half an hour. My aunt also has her church friends after me. They sometimes regularly send me hostile text message and voicemails.
My cousin has been on the quieter side towards me and has been struggling with depression and trauma from her latest pregnancy last year ending in a stillbirth of her baby girl after preterm labor at 30 weeks. She has been regularly posting on social media and has joined motherhood-related groups. I’ve heard through gossip that she is trying to get a baby through those groups and has been banned from a considerable amount of them to her dismay. She had been harassing young moms and widows for their babies. My cousin is desperate for a baby to “fix” her family and is apparently “waiting for [MY NAME] to give birth” for my baby girl, who she apparently sees her own late baby in. My aunt and her are apparently sure that I will be overwhelmed with my decision and the responsibilities with motherhood that I will give up/“give more” to my baby by letting my cousin and her husband adopt her. My aunt says that giving my baby to my cousin shouldn’t be as hard as it could be because we are family and that I could have a baby later on as I am still young and have plans to attend grad school after working for a while.
My cousin also apparently wants to get into contact as we had before my pregnancy. I will not be speaking to her again until after I give birth to see where she is then and to prevent further stress during my pregnancy. I have been very supportive of her through her infertility journey and generally liked her more than my aunt growing up, but her behavior and thinking have shocked me and are making me fear for my safety.
I am planning a big wedding party for next year since my partner and I privately got married this year and I am not sure if my cousin/aunt would be invited and able to come. I have a lot of family support from both sides right now apart from those who are close to them and on their side, but I’m not sure if that support will be as strong in a year and what my relationship with my aunt/cousin will be then.
I have skipped some family events that I know they will be at, but I don’t want to miss out on those family gatherings and fun forever. I’m not sure how the future will look like with my aunt/cousin after my baby and the issues that arise with that. Any support would be appreciated.
Relevant Comments
That’s your baby and your baby alone. Get law enforcement involved if you have to. Get restraining orders if you have to. If you ever do talk to your aunt/cousin again, remind them how there are plenty of other babies in your area that are waiting to be adopted. Best of luck and congratulations ❤️
OOP: Thanks! Regarding adoption, I don’t think my cousin would be a great adoptive mother so I would rather not encourage her on that. Based on what I know, she only wants a baby girl right now and the baby has to be “like her” (aka white and have whiter features) and must not have any issues. She does not want to deal with or involve the birth mother and pretty much wants to act like the adoption never happened. Her mentality tells me she is only adopting for selfish reasons and does not want to make the adoption the beautiful thing it can be for everyone involved. Although I am NOT giving her my baby, I am hypothetically concerned of how she would treat me and try to alienate me from any relationship with the child if I were in that position.
Please, whatever you do do not allow your aunt or your cousin to be anywhere near your child. Don’t allow them to hold your child. Do not ever ever allow them to babysit your child because your child will disappear. If it all possible in the future, maybe consider moving out of that city. Make sure that you have cameras set up around your house even if they don’t know where you live now there’s always a chance that they could follow you home from work. Be hyper vigilant.
Congratulations on the soon to be birth of your little one
OOP: My partner and I have moved out of the city and into a new home recently. My aunt/cousin have become aware of this but don’t know the address. I didn’t think much of being followed home from work, but since they don’t know where I live anymore, they may try something at my workplace. I’ll have to talk about this more with my coworkers/boss and alert them sternly
OOP on the religion and where she stands at with her beliefs
OOP: I was raised Mormon and my aunt has always been pushing the religion and all its components on me and my sister. Now we are both not very religious and do not regularly attend church. I still believe in Jesus, but I am definitely not near what my aunt is and wants me to be in religion. She says she is disappointed with me on that and is using my “lack of devotion” to say that my baby will be even worse off than me and go down the wrong path if I’m like this with a Mormon upbringing.
Update: June 21, 2024
This will be a small update. We got in contact with the local church leader and talked to them about the situation with my aunt and cousin, who are both active members. We talked to him for a while. He initially dismissed my concerns as personal conflict between family and tried to refer us over to counseling services.
We explained to him that my cousin is dealing with trauma from her baby’s death and that she is having false hopes about adopting my baby, which would be raised in a good home. We also told him that my aunt is feeding into those hopes and has been harassing me on her behalf, causing disturbance and a lot of stress. He told me he understood my side and that he knew what my cousin has been going through with her inability to have kids. He said he would contact my aunt and cousin to see what they have to say about the situation.
I talked again with him today. He said that my aunt and cousin would like to speak with me and that they were concerned that I stopped communicating with them, especially since I moved away. I explained to him that their behavior regarding my baby influenced me to do those things and pressed him on what they said. He said that my cousin had talked with a church therapist and was looking into adoption to start a family because her IVF treatments were likely not going to produce a child with her condition. I emphasized to him that I was not giving up my baby and that my cousin had been thinking such. He said that understood that and started asking me for personal details on how I was doing now. He was again trying to set up a meeting between us and my aunt/cousin and referring us t…
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