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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-06-29 04:00:02+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Joanna_Queen_772
AITA forcing my husband to choose between divorce and being a househusband while I work full-time to support the family
Originally posted to r/AITAH
Thanks to u/soayherder u/queenlegolas & u/Lynavi for suggesting this BoRU
TRIGGER WARNING: manipulation, emotional abuse
Original Post June 18, 2024
Long story short, my husband (37M) used to work to support the family while I (36F) stayed home taking care of our 2 y o daughter. Last month, he lost his job and told me he felt exhausted and wasn’t eager to do anything. I said okay and offered to work so he could look after our daughter at home and get some rest until he feels better. By the way, our daughter goes to daycare, so it’s mainly some housework and picking her up. But he said no, he needs his time to be completely free. I got furious because this means either I work while also taking care of our daughter, or our family will face significant financial pressure.
But I stepped back anyway and had a hell of a month doing everything while he hung out with his friends and played PS5. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and told him he had to choose between being a househusband or divorce. He chose the first, but it felt forced.
I keep questioning myself: was I too harsh? Any good advice would be appreciated.
Update: I never thought this would draw so much attention. I’m trying to read as many comments as I can and I really appreciate your opinions, especially those pointing out things I should have told him and I didn’t. I’ve decided to show him the post after work and see if we can have a real talk based on that. Again, thank you all.
TL;TR: I told my husband to choose between divorce and being a househusband, AITA?
RELEVANT COMMENTS
ahkian
NTA giving him the month was super generous
OOP
He was the one who supported the family before, I thought I’d give him time to recover. I was wrong.
~
FairlyFartDaydreams
NTA but once you have a job and health insurance insist he get therapy. It might be burnout or depression but he needs to seek help you can’t enable him to sink into it
OOP
Thank you, I didn’t think of that, but he seemed really happy playing with his friend. Is it normal?
FairlyFartDaydreams
Yes when I get depressed I can still read but I don’t really want to do anything else. Video games, binge watching shows, reading, food can all give us a dopamine hit that may make us feel “normal”. It is important to call out the behavior and make sure he is attempting to get better. PArt of it might be the ego hit from getting let go from his job. The important thing is to not let it go untreated/unremarked too long. Tell him adulting sucks but we all have to do it
I decided to make a new post so it won’t be too long to read. The previous post link is here below:
So, I got off work, picked up my daughter, and showed my husband the post after she fell asleep. I told him that millions had seen it and made various points. I admitted that my ultimatum was an impulsive reaction and that I preferred having a calm discussion to work through this. He said he was surprised I shared family matters on Reddit and that he wouldn’t have done it. He said he wasn’t feeling depressed, just tired and exhausted after years of working, and he just wanted to be childish for a bit and really enjoyed the month off. I kind of understood because we used to travel a lot before our daughter was born, and life has been harder since then. I told him I wouldn’t force him to work and that he could take his time as long as he could pick up our daughter and do the housework. He hesitated but told me not to worry.
I thought this was the end of it. Then, the next day, I came home from work to find his mother there. I was shocked because he hadn’t told me anything. She started picking up our daughter and doing the housework. This is driving me crazy because I have never gotten along with her well, and my husband knows this. I feel like he asked her to come so he could continue being childish, disregarding how I feel.
His mother raised him as a single mom, and according to my husband, she was very protective and planned to live with him for his whole life. He felt suffocated, so he went to a university far from home and reduced contact with her. I remember one time she came and got sick, vomited, and I cleaned up her mess. Suddenly, she asked her son to come and told him that her underwear was dirty and needed to be washed by hand that very night, even though we had a washing machine.
My husband and I had agreed that our marriage was ours and that she wouldn’t come and live with us. He broke his promise.
I’m considering divorce, but I’m worried our daughter is too young to understand it. I’ve thought about holding on for a while, but these days of living with her are already driving me crazy, and I don’t see a quick end. I’ve thought about being an AH and forcing her to leave, but that might lead to divorce.
I really need some advice. Thank you all.
TL;DR:I (36F) showed my husband (37M) the last post, and we had a talk. Then, without asking me, he invited my mother-in-law to come, even though he knows I’ve never gotten along well with her.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
Glittering-Bat353
So… you tell him he needs to pull his weight as an adult, and his answer is to literally call his mommy to do the work for him?! If he wants to be a child so badly, you really need to pack him up and send him back home with his mommy so she can baby him the way you will (and should) not.
Not to mention that you’re the breadwinner and can’t stand this woman. Put your foot down and get both out of the house.
You gave him an ultimatum. He woefully failed it. Now, you need to follow through with the other half of it and bring out the consequences.
OOP
I know this could be the final solution. Thank you.
~
Open-Incident-3601
And if you stay, you will teach your daughter to also choose a man who mistreats her. Imagine your daughter married to a man just like her Dad with a MIL just like yours and then make your decision.
OOP
I would hate myself if this scenario really happens , you have a point. Thank you.
~
HappyPayment1
What can you tell us about his mom? Doesn’t she understand what your going through given that she’s a single mother, and why don’t you get along with ? Any personal reason?
OOP
He and I have knew her mother would do anything to be with him, and he have chosen to go for it. This sucks. I don’t want to fight with my MIL constantly for having my husband.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP’s OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7
Dude became a man baby so sad. Should have hit the gym at least.
