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The original was posted on /r/outside by /u/OxygenInvestor on 2023-07-29 23:31:07.

The pizza summoning magic box.

I may be from an ancient era of magick and splendor, but I have yet to understand the riddle of the magic box.

You make certain specific gestures to pass different sealed spirit gates, to authorize a sacrifice, to make the the magic box of the pizza-man know you want a pizza, and he sends out a bunch of orders to get it done

But! the sacrifice can’t be small, for the right price of $9.95 you can have a deluxe supreme! The sacrifice must equal the expected amount, otherwise the pizza box man will scoff, and send you away.

To earn what is considered a valid sacrifice you must OBEY the magic box and the other people who worship the magic box, and force yourself to do random tasks for them, by contract. So you serve your slave contract to the patron deity, say to “Star BUCKS”, and the “Star Buck” will give you authority to make sacrifices to the magic box for pizza or coffee.

Some temples allow you to make smaller sacrifice, if you pilgrimage to them. The magnificent WALL-Mar’ is famous for this. You make your pilgrimage after sacrificing the oil of our ancestors on divine sleds. After sacrificing these ancestral ointments, called Ga’soul’ine, you must be careful to observe the ritual objects correctly or else your mortal body will be in great peril!

You must OBEY all laws related to the divine sled to arrive safely on your pilgrimage.

Then at the divine WALL-Mar’, you may then see the glory of Babylon, the riches therein of the mutual sacrifices to the divine magic box. But! You must obey the ritual to plunder the great temple of WALL’Mar! You must provide the appropriate enchanted objects, specifically forged in fire and secret, called coins, or provide the mystical paper of the ancient way, called dollars.

However, the magic box is king. If you obey the magic box… The magic box offers you anything your heart desires! But ONLY if you OBEY the magic box.

No questions. Some questions. But soon! No questions!

I… Do not trust the magic box.